Sometimes, it all boils down to just kid stuff
Kids are beautiful.
OK, so a few are ugly -- like the two dogs next door. They’re really ugly mutts, real dogs -- although the woman next door treats them like they are her kids, which probably explains why she doesn’t see just how ugly they are.
Our granddaughter, of course, is the most beautiful child in the world, and Friday night the 7-Eleven Kid and G.P. spent time together comparing boo-boos.
She’s got a skinned knee because she’s a kid with the coordination of her father, and I just had my forehead sewn back together by a doctor, who, it turns out, is a real cutup.
Dr. Teresa Soriano removed part of my head because of a little skin cancer, and during the procedure I learned her husband’s last name is Ryan. When I said I was going to refer to her in the paper as “Dr. Teresa Ryan,” she stuck me in the head with a knife. More on the butcher in a moment.
KIDS CAN even be gorgeous. You should see 2-year-old Kiddy Up.
Kiddy Up made his racing debut Friday night at Los Alamitos Race Course.
I’m the owner of Kiddy Up. I also have a partner in Ed Allred. We have clearly defined roles. Allred’s job is to say nothing, pay all expenses along with 99% of the horse’s $160,000 purchase price and then donate the first $50,000 the horse wins to Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA. Obviously, he’s a tough negotiator.
My job was to buy 1% of the horse -- the nose, the only part that matters when hitting the finish line -- and find an up-and-coming trainer. I settled on John Bassett, although it’s only a matter of time before he’s fired and replaced by his son, Joe.
For Friday’s race, the horse, jockey and Bassett were dressed in USC colors. I had no idea I had hired Traveler’s trainer.
Bassett called on Saul Ramirez Jr. to ride the horse, and the grandkid stuck a finger in the jockey’s face and yelled, “Go.” It’s too bad she didn’t hear me telling Ramirez “it’s your butt,” because she would’ve repeated it later to granny, and who do you think taught me the expression?
The public made the No. 3 the favorite. Bassett said he liked the No. 6. Our horse was No. 8. I think he knew that, but I can’t say for sure.
Bassett said our horse would veer out when the gates opened. When they opened, he veered in. It’s a good thing we’ve got Joe to fall back on.
No. 8 went “go, go, go.” And won. Kiddy Up paid $9.40 for a $2 bet and won just under $4,000 for Mattel. The family went crazy, and even allowed Allred to join us for a photo in the winner’s circle. I have no idea how Bassett ended up in the picture.
Kiddy Up runs next on June 9, needing one of the top 10 times that night to qualify for the $1-million Ed Burke on June 23.
Invites to Phil & Jeanie Jackson, Frank & His Old Lady, Arte Moreno & Gary Matthews, Mike Dunleavy & a single son, Pete Carroll & Karl Dorrell and Chris Pronger, who will be on vacation soon, will go out in the mail. Can’t wait for the RSVPs, and will let you know who’ll be joining us.
DR. TERESA RYAN will also receive an invite. Known by some, in fact by more than 50 patients who e-mailed to say they never had it so good while being treated by Dr. Teresa Soriano, she performed MOHS surgery on my head. Had I not mentioned her husband’s name, I would’ve escaped the procedure pain-free.
A number of folks also e-mailed to wish me well, including Joseph Reiber.
“Hope your surgery & recovery go as well as Barbaro’s did, you piece of garbage.” Imagine how relieved I was when Soriano told me her husband’s last name was Ryan and not Reiber.
When she was done carving, though, she told me the top of my skull was going to be numb. The wife found it hilarious that I now have something in common with Smush Parker.
Instead of an “L,” the doctor decided to pinch my forehead together, and leave behind a scar looking like an “I.” The folks in the office, who say I couldn’t write again if they removed the “I” from my computer, will love this.
Whatever they are paying Soriano-Ryan, it’s just not enough, but then you’d promise to write the same thing in the paper too if she were standing over you with a knife in hand.
KIDS ARE beautiful, all right, especially when they have no hair and are all smiles. Stopped by the pediatric cancer ward at Mattel along with trainer Doug O’Neill and his enthusiastic pal, Mark Verge.
O’Neill has had 17 horses finish third recently at Hollywood Park, and he brought along a bag of horseshoes. Nothing luckier than horseshoes from horses finishing third. We raise enough money to hire a nurse to wash and sanitize the horseshoes, and the kids will really enjoy them.
O’Neill, who turned down money to wear advertising on his cap so he could wear a Mattel hat instead, told the kids about the value of teamwork. His two horses finished 13th and 14th in the Derby -- working as a team rather than one going on to win and leaving the other behind. I don’t think the kids bought it either.
The kids autographed Mattel hats for everyone. One youngster, just beginning what will be a yearlong test for him and his family, made O’Neill’s day when he seemed interested in what O’Neill had to say. I don’t imagine that happens to O’Neill very often.
Brandon, meanwhile, gave me his autograph, complete with the number of the football jersey he intends on wearing again -- once he finishes his stay here. USC or UCLA could use another good player.
I thought about taking my hat off and comparing boo-boos with some of the kids, but what do you take me for -- some kind of numb skull?
I see no reason today to give anyone the last word.
*
T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.
