Ohio State is not even much of a sideshow

NEW ORLEANS -- It wasn’t a national championship football game, it was a Bourbon Street karaoke bar.

It wasn’t prime-time Monday, it was 3 a.m. on a Thursday.

It wasn’t a football team, it was wobbly warblers decked in flowery shirts, tight shorts and bad manners.

And, once again, in the painful light of this morning, the college football world stands amid the sour and stained remains of its annual party while asking itself the annual question.

Who let Ohio State in?

“This hurts tremendously,” running back Chris Wells said, staring blankly.

Why couldn’t we keep them out?

“LSU did a good job of messing us up,” receiver Brian Hartline said softly.

What can we do to stop them from coming back?

“We’re going to have to spend the next year hearing all the same negative stuff, only it’s going to be twice as much, and that’s going to really hurt,” cornerback Malcolm Jenkins said with a glare.

It is unknown whether Louisiana State, a 38-24 winner over the Buckeyes in the Bowl Championship Series title game, is the best team in the country.

But it has been proved beyond all reasonable doubt that Ohio State is not even in the top 10.

Again.

Two years, two visits to a place it didn’t belong, two losses by a combined score of 79-38, both losses to a conference whose name filled the Superdome in the loudest chant of the night.

“S-E-C, S-E-C, S-E-C.”

As opposed to the Buckeyes’ Big Ten, which, when it comes to the postseason, should be the Bag 10.

Put a sack over your head and maybe you won’t see all those big, slow guys often being steam-rolled by the rest of the country.

“Yeah, I heard the chant,” linebacker James Laurinaitis said. “And I know everybody is going to keep talking all that stuff about how our conference is full of slower guys, but we weren’t that much slower tonight.”

Then what happened?

“We were out-physicaled,” he said.

Slower, softer, whatever, this was awful, the Buckeyes taking a 10-0 lead in the game’s first six minutes, then collapsing into a puddle that the Tigers splashed around in for 31 consecutive points.

“We feel like they gave it up,” Tigers cornerback Jonathon Zenon said.

Gave it up by allowing three third-down conversions on the Tigers’ first scoring drive, including one where a bowling ball of a running back named Jacob Hester somehow rolled for 20 yards.

Gave it up with two dumb personal-foul penalties that kept alive Louisiana State’s second scoring drive.

Gave it up by allowing a blocked field-goal try that led to the Tigers’ third scoring drive.

Gave it up on a horrible jump-ball pass by quarterback Todd Boeckman as he was being hammered, leading to an interception that led to Louisiana State’s fourth scoring drive.

By halftime, it was 24-10, and it was over.

“They had the momentum for a bit, but once we got it back, they couldn’t keep up,” tight end Richard Dickson said.

The final score of LSU’s run was the most embarrassing score against the Buckeyes, average-sized receiver Early Doucet making a catch and breaking three tackles in the last three yards before walking into the end zone.

Early in the third quarter, it was 31-10, and it was really over.

“You put up that many straight points on anybody, it’s going to take out their fire,” Dickson said.

And to think, this is a fire that was stoked this week when Buckeyes coaches passed out a DVD featuring criticism from commentators around the country.

That DVD should now become part of Ohio history books.

The Buckeyes had twice as many penalty yards, twice as many lost fumbles, twice as many interceptions.

Running around on the sideline in high-tops and an attitude, their Brutus Buckeye mascot seemed quicker than some of their receivers.

Grabbing one of the Buckeyes on the field and physically pulling him away from postgame interviews, a female team official showed more strength than some of their linemen.

When the Buckeyes scored a final touchdown with 1:13 to play to close the gap, most of the team didn’t bother to cheer. One player, a tight end named Brandon Smith, didn’t even move from his spot atop one of the benches.

“This was incredible,” said Wells, whose NFL-style rushing was wasted.

What would be truly incredible is if voters and computers finally realize that the Big Ten, whose teams have won two national titles in 38 years, is no longer a football conference.

What would be absolutely fair is voters and computers treating the Big Ten the way they treat the Western Athletic Conference of Boise State and Hawaii.

One loss, and they’re done. One loss, and they have no shot of reaching the national championship game.

A team from the SEC or Pacific 10 or Big 12 can have two losses and be here, because their competition is so much better.

The minute Ohio State lost to Illinois, it should have dropped into irrelevancy.

After the Buckeyes skulked off as just another annoying Bourbon Street memory, defensive end Vernon Gholston was asked what happened.

He truly didn’t seem to know.

“There was nothing they did that we didn’t prepare for, that we didn’t see,” he said.

Now that’s really scary.

“O-H!” chanted Buckeyes fans throughout the long night.

“I-O” is the customary response.

“N-O” is the correct one.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Plaschke, go to latimes.com/plaschke.

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Big Ten meltdown

The Big Ten Conference is 0-4 in Bowl Championship Series bowl games the last two seasons and none of the games have been close:

*--* 2007 ROSE BOWL *--*

* USC 32, Michigan 18

*--* 2007 BCS TITLE GAME *--*

* Florida 41, Ohio State 14

*--* 2008 ROSE BOWL *--*

* USC 49, Illinois 17

*--* 2008 BCS TITLE GAME *--*

* Louisiana State 38, Ohio State 24