Carnival Splendor: Cruise director goes overboard in detailing ship’s crisis

TMI red alert! After the nearly 4,500 passengers and crew aboard the crippled cruise ship Carnival Splendor safely made it back to San Diego on Thursday, the Twitterati turned to chatter about Carnival cruise director John Heald’s lurid personal account of being stranded at sea.

Very personal.

The British-born Heald, 45, on his blog quickly penned a lengthy three-part (and counting) tome titled “Smoke on the Water.” Here’s his moment of realization that the thick smoke from the engine fire constituted a serious emergency:

“I looked at Captain Cupisti ... he looked back at me and shook his head slightly ... and that’s when I ruined a really good pair of underpants.”

Gee, John, thanks for sharing.

But let’s start at the very beginning, with Part 1’s arresting first paragraph:

“Megan walked towards me, the soft glow of moonlight radiating off her naked bottom. Her eyes met mine and I knew that it wasn’t Brad or George or Johnny that she wanted ... oh no ... I knew that it was me that her heart was beating for. I motioned her to come to me and she walked seductively towards me and soon her naked body was lying next to mine...”

No, this wasn’t a close encounter with a fellow strandee but the big dream sequence, just like a bad Hollywood movie.

While the posts appear on Heald’s personal blog, employer Carnival pointed to the raunchy ramblings on its Twitter feeds and Facebook page. (We wonder: Did anyone read them?)

But we’re setting aside this tell-all-run-amok for one salient reason: Heald received high praise from passengers for having saved the day on what was nothing less than a grueling affair.

Retired Chicago police officer Bob Flynn told Cruise Critic that Heald “did an excellent job of keeping the passengers and crew informed and calm.”

And that’s what good cruise directors do. Nice work, John, on the cruise — not the memoir.

(Click here to read an interview with Heald by CruiseMates before the Splendor’s mishap.)