THE TIMES’ RANKINGS

Don’t get attached to these standings because they’re going to be different next week after Notre Dame beats Oklahoma, Georgia upsets Florida, Texas Tech shocks Kansas State, USC loses at Arizona, Oregon State stumbles at Utah and Mississippi State stuns Alabama in Tuscaloosa. Wait, no, actually, reverse all those outcomes. Still, you can expect next week’s standings to “shake, prattle and stroll,” to borrow from that 1950s song by “Bill Snyder and the Wildcats.” This week’s only significant move was No. 9 South Carolina dropping five spots to No. 14. We settled that by promoting each of the next five teams one spot (Zzzzz). That allowed Rankman time to play his favorite new battleship board game, Horses and Bayonets.

Dropped out: Cincinnati (23), Arizona State (24).

Moved in: Louisiana Tech, Michigan.

*--* Rk. School (W-L) Comment (last week’s ranking) 1 ALABAMA7-0 Roll Tide Club of Paris thinks this team is the most complete package since Brigitte Bardot. (1) 2 OREGON7-0 Yogi Duck thinks BCS standings could be deja vu 2001 all over again. (2) 3 KANSAS STATE7-0 Canceled the Oregon game before 6 p.m. to avoid first-night room charge. (3) 4 FLORIDA 7-0 Gators’ 183 total yards last week averages out to 3.05 chomps per minute. (4) 5 NOTRE DAME 7-0 Little-known tidbit: Also broke Oklahoma’s 47-game winning streak in ping-pong. (5) 6 LOUISIANA STATE7-1 Waterboy’s mama says team’s No. 76-ranked offense better start playing some “Fooze-ball.” (6) 7 OREGON STATE 6-0 Team in 1907 went 6-0 and then predicted 1908 would be Chicago Cubs’ year. (7) 8 OKLAHOMA 5-1 Last (and only) time Sooners beat Irish, President Ike called to congratulate Coach Bud. (8) 9 USC 6-1 Barkley named Pac-12 player of the century against Hawaii, Syracuse and Colorado. (10) 10 OHIO STATE 8-0 Representatives from defunct Bluebonnet Bowl plan to attend Penn State game. (11) 11 FLORIDA STATE 7-1 Duke, bowl-eligible for the first time since 1994 -- also eligible to get beat by 50. (12) 12 GEORGIA 6-1 Five-point win over Kentucky only impressive if it came against Calipari’s basketball team. (13) 13 CLEMSON 6-1 Thursday night game at Wake Forest provides Tigers great opportunity to “pull a Clemson.” (14) 14 SOUTH CAROLINA 6-2 Spurrier wakes up from bad dream saying he was in a Swamp wearing alligator shoes. (9) 15 TEXAS TECH 6-1 Quarterback whose name escapes Rankman at moment doesn’t get enough publicity. (15) 16 RUTGERS 7-0 Trailed at the half in Philadelphia before ultimately ringing Temple’s Liberty Bell. (17) 17 LOUISVILLE 7-0 Hoping to win out and finish as nation’s fourth- or fifth-best undefeated team. (18) 18 MISSISSIPPI STATE 7-0 Alabama showing up on schedule now is like the cops breaking up a frat party. (19) 19 TEXAS A&M 5-2 Team wants back the three “Johnny Footballs” LSU intercepted from quarterback. (20) 20 BOISE STATE 6-1 Offense ranked No. 85 in the nation would be unacceptable in a Rankman administration. (21) 21 STANFORD 5-2 Gave Cal “the axe, the axe.” Where? “Right in the neck, the neck.” (22) 22 OHIO 7-0 Obama and Romney debate over which swing- state candidate loves the Bobcats more. (25) 23 LOUISIANA TECH 6-1 Offensive coordinator still baffled how team scored only 44 points against Virginia. (NR) 24 MICHIGAN 5-2 First college team to win 900 games with only half-share of national title since 1948. (NR) 25 WEST VIRGINIA 5-2 Defense is on pace to spontaneously combust and burst into a giant fireball. (16) *--*