Ugly and amazing
After a week of reality shock and awe, our columnist wonders what happened to family hour.
Hi, my name is Shayna, and I'm the bedraggled reality TV junkie.
After watching Colin, the demon man of "The Amazing Race," torture an ox in the Philippines, and witnessing a tribe in the South Pacific butcher a pig on "Survivor: Vanuatu" I needed therapy, or at the very least a long, hot shower. Yeah, thanks for the nightmares, err, memories, CBS!
Reality roundup
"The Amazing Race"
Finale, Tue., 9 p.m., CBS
The adventure isn't even over yet and already I'm sad. Truth is, I love this show! It's unpredictable; the action is nonstop; the backdrop is ever-changing; and the million-dollar prize, no matter which team it goes to at this point, will have been well-earned.
The four remaining teams will embark on the last leg of their 'round-the-world race from Manila. Where they will head next is still a mystery, but one thing is for certain: Win or lose, Colin and Christie will go down as two of the most vile competitors of all time. The Texas twosome never fails to entertain, though, particularly when classless Colin gets pissed off, which is about every 10 seconds. His latest tirade in knee-high mud behind a hapless ox was both frightening and hilarious, topping his previous low: mugging for the camera flashing death-metal signs after zorb-rolling in New Zealand (guess you had to be there).
Of the remaining racers, Chip and Kim are the most likable, although Chip should get a bonus prize if he manages to win with his useless wife/teammate by his side. Seriously, Kimmy, there's no "i" in "team!" Lately, dimwitted dating models Brandon and Nicole have been more amusing than annoying, thank goodness, but the sermon we'll have to endure if they win is reason enough to root against them.
And those bowling moms from Palmdale? They deserve props for making it this far through some tough challenges, but what a couple of battle-axes, man. Especially that Linda holy housewife from hell! I hope Karen drop-kicks her at the finish line just for giggles. Well, I'd think it was funny.
"Big Brother"
Finale, Tue., 8 p.m., CBS
As I write this, the final three houseguests are competing for Head of Household the ultimate power position leading into Tuesday's finale. My money's on Diane to make it to the final two, but whether her former competitors will reward her or punish her for playing a tough, albeit conniving, game is anybody's guess. And will she be sitting next to her "Big Brother" beau, Drew? Or will it be that sentimental sod, Michael the cowboy?
Honestly, I don't much care who wins the $500,000 prize, but I'll admit that I will miss hanging with my "Big Brother" pals. No more Nakomis. No more Karen. No more Julie Chen (OK, so Julie Chen I can live without). But what about Drew and Diane? Like most reality romances, theirs will probably fizzle once the cameras stop rolling, but hey, it was fun while it lasted.
"Survivor: Vanuatu"
Thu., 8 p.m., CBS
Last I checked 8 p.m. was still family hour. So why the hell was I subjected to a brutal tribal ceremony in which a pig was hatcheted to death while Jeff Probst and company looked on? For someone who's more Animal Planet than Discovery Channel, it was a disturbing sight, indeed. And I am still talking about the pig, not the god-awful moment when Scout's top came down during the first immunity challenge.
Who's Scout? One of the 18 members of the motley crew assembled by Mark Burnett for this latest edition of the "Survivor" franchise. Oh, we've got it all this time, folks: five dumb clucks, four hot babes, three whiny witches, two old farts, and a peg leg in a pear tree. Well, you get the picture.
Postscript
"The Player"
Finale, UPN
Yo, ma, game over. You heard me: Don't hate the player, hate the network. Who else should I blame for reeling me into this inane trip into Playerville? I think UPN should have to pay for my speech therapy sessions the ones I need now that I'm using terms like "clucker" with the ease of a Miami skeezer. But hey, it's all good, right? Dawn broke JJ's heart (though I suspect he's headed for a major breakdown as soon as he realizes that he's white); Acie was crowned the "Ultimate Player"; and the mysterious "Playa Operata" was revealed to be none other than Rob Mariano from "Survivor." So it wasn't a total loss. Word.
Write to the Reality TV Junkie at tvjunkie@latimes.com.
After watching Colin, the demon man of "The Amazing Race," torture an ox in the Philippines, and witnessing a tribe in the South Pacific butcher a pig on "Survivor: Vanuatu" I needed therapy, or at the very least a long, hot shower. Yeah, thanks for the nightmares, err, memories, CBS!
Reality roundup
"The Amazing Race"
Finale, Tue., 9 p.m., CBS
The adventure isn't even over yet and already I'm sad. Truth is, I love this show! It's unpredictable; the action is nonstop; the backdrop is ever-changing; and the million-dollar prize, no matter which team it goes to at this point, will have been well-earned.
The four remaining teams will embark on the last leg of their 'round-the-world race from Manila. Where they will head next is still a mystery, but one thing is for certain: Win or lose, Colin and Christie will go down as two of the most vile competitors of all time. The Texas twosome never fails to entertain, though, particularly when classless Colin gets pissed off, which is about every 10 seconds. His latest tirade in knee-high mud behind a hapless ox was both frightening and hilarious, topping his previous low: mugging for the camera flashing death-metal signs after zorb-rolling in New Zealand (guess you had to be there).
Of the remaining racers, Chip and Kim are the most likable, although Chip should get a bonus prize if he manages to win with his useless wife/teammate by his side. Seriously, Kimmy, there's no "i" in "team!" Lately, dimwitted dating models Brandon and Nicole have been more amusing than annoying, thank goodness, but the sermon we'll have to endure if they win is reason enough to root against them.
And those bowling moms from Palmdale? They deserve props for making it this far through some tough challenges, but what a couple of battle-axes, man. Especially that Linda holy housewife from hell! I hope Karen drop-kicks her at the finish line just for giggles. Well, I'd think it was funny.
"Big Brother"
Finale, Tue., 8 p.m., CBS
As I write this, the final three houseguests are competing for Head of Household the ultimate power position leading into Tuesday's finale. My money's on Diane to make it to the final two, but whether her former competitors will reward her or punish her for playing a tough, albeit conniving, game is anybody's guess. And will she be sitting next to her "Big Brother" beau, Drew? Or will it be that sentimental sod, Michael the cowboy?
Honestly, I don't much care who wins the $500,000 prize, but I'll admit that I will miss hanging with my "Big Brother" pals. No more Nakomis. No more Karen. No more Julie Chen (OK, so Julie Chen I can live without). But what about Drew and Diane? Like most reality romances, theirs will probably fizzle once the cameras stop rolling, but hey, it was fun while it lasted.
"Survivor: Vanuatu"
Thu., 8 p.m., CBS
Last I checked 8 p.m. was still family hour. So why the hell was I subjected to a brutal tribal ceremony in which a pig was hatcheted to death while Jeff Probst and company looked on? For someone who's more Animal Planet than Discovery Channel, it was a disturbing sight, indeed. And I am still talking about the pig, not the god-awful moment when Scout's top came down during the first immunity challenge.
Who's Scout? One of the 18 members of the motley crew assembled by Mark Burnett for this latest edition of the "Survivor" franchise. Oh, we've got it all this time, folks: five dumb clucks, four hot babes, three whiny witches, two old farts, and a peg leg in a pear tree. Well, you get the picture.
Postscript
"The Player"
Finale, UPN
Yo, ma, game over. You heard me: Don't hate the player, hate the network. Who else should I blame for reeling me into this inane trip into Playerville? I think UPN should have to pay for my speech therapy sessions the ones I need now that I'm using terms like "clucker" with the ease of a Miami skeezer. But hey, it's all good, right? Dawn broke JJ's heart (though I suspect he's headed for a major breakdown as soon as he realizes that he's white); Acie was crowned the "Ultimate Player"; and the mysterious "Playa Operata" was revealed to be none other than Rob Mariano from "Survivor." So it wasn't a total loss. Word.
Write to the Reality TV Junkie at tvjunkie@latimes.com.
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