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With Trump out, late-night TV rejoices in Biden, our ‘brand-new, very old president’

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Late-night TV hosts had a good morning on Wednesday as President Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris were officially sworn into office in Washington.

Comedians Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Trevor Noah, James Corden, Samantha Bee, Seth Meyers and Stephen Colbert all celebrated the historic day on their respective programs, ringing in a new leader while gladly trashing the old one once and for all.

“Joe Biden, our nation turns its bleary eyes to you,” Fallon said on “The Tonight Show.” “Somehow, we made it to the inauguration. Today, Canada wrapped us in a foil blanket while Mexico offered us soup. It feels like the country is back.”

“Joseph Rapunzel Biden is our 46th president,” Kimmel joked on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” “I have to imagine this is what it feels like when the oncologist calls and tells you the tumor is benign. I remember going back to the day Trump was inaugurated — such a terrible day — and wondering, ‘Can our country even survive four years of this?’ And now we know the answer: Not really. Just barely, but we made it.”

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Actually, the “R” in Joseph R. Biden stands for, not Rapunzel, but Robinette — as many, including Noah, learned for the first time yesterday when the president recited the oath of office on the steps of the Capitol Building.

“Today, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and McDonald’s share price in Florida just went way up, because America just got a brand-new dad,” Noah said on “The Daily Show.” “I don’t know about you, but this moment will stay in my memory forever. Joe Biden’s middle name is Robinette? What?”

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Other hosts, including Corden, made light of the swearing-in ceremony — particularly the fact that Biden took the oath over a thick, decaying Bible, roughly the size of a kitchen toaster, that has been in his family for more than a century.

“Joe Biden was sworn in as president on a very old, a very large Bible. Or, as Joe Biden called it, ‘A really heavy Bible, so let’s move this along, shall we?’” Corden quipped on “The Late Late Show. “It’s not often you get to see a president of the United States take his oath of office on a prop from one of the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movies.”

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On “Full Frontal,” Bee was abuzz at the prospect of Democrats — who are now in control of the House, the Senate and the Oval Office — successfully passing progressive legislation as Biden’s first term commences.

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“The Trump administration is over, and we finally have a brand-new, very old president,” Bee said. “Unsurprisingly, Republicans are furious that Joe Biden chose to divide America by becoming president. And if that weren’t divisive enough, he’s openly plotting to do stuff. ... After four years of struggling just to slow down Trump’s malicious agenda, Democrats are in an unimaginable position: We can finally do things that help people.”

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All over the late-night circuit, the beleaguered emcees — who have been performing scathing material on “Celebrity Apprentice” alum Donald Trump nearly nonstop for the last four years — breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“There is no end-zone dance here,” Colbert said on “The Late Show. “We’ve all been too deep in it for the last four years to truly realize what we were deeply in. It’s like we’ve been on a ship that’s been in a storm for four years, and we just stepped onto dry land. I want to kiss the ground, but you know, COVID, so I’m just gonna fist-bump it.”

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“Former President Trump today — oh, God. Wow,” Meyers said on “Late Night.” “You wait so long to say those words, and then when you finally can, you don’t know how to react. ... That’s right. Donald Trump is no longer the president of the United States. And look, this isn’t gonna solve all our problems, but it will remove a big one. If you’re addicted to heroin, gambling and prostitutes, and you only quit heroin, that’s still a huge step.”

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