Red carpet rigors

Texture aside, there’s nothing cushy about an award show’s red carpet.

In fact, it’s one of the biggest challenges of an award night. From the moment nominees or presenters pull into the three-cars-deep arrivals’ circle, they’d best be ready to run a gantlet of minor indignities. From a strobe of flashes to a cacophony of shouts for attention, those on the red carpet have to endure — and do it wearing formalwear and a smile.

And they’d best be ready to learn their place in society.

“It’s very stratifying, very cutting,” says “Fashion Police” star Joan Rivers, who’s covered the Oscar red carpet on and off since 1996 (and will do so again this year with her daughter, Melissa, for StyleList.com). “One minute you’re out there talking to Kathy Bates, for example, and Tom Cruise arrives. She gets pushed aside in the middle of telling you how she lost three limbs and all her money — and here’s Tom! Everyone knows: It’s a very quick way of finding out where you are in this business.”

Fortunately, most red-carpet denizens on Oscar night are nominees and, as such, are on an equal footing — at least until after the show. But on Oscar night, the spotlight is at its brightest, along with those paparazzo flashes.

“Thank God I’m not epileptic,” says Tom Hooper, whose “The King’s Speech” is up for 12 Academy Awards. “You do those pictures and head over to the TV cameras, and that first TV interviewer — the presenter is half obscured by strange spots on your retina.”

The overwhelming experience of award show paparazzi cannot be underestimated by anyone who hasn’t walked the red carpet. Straight from the car are dozens of photographers, all flashing away and shouting orders at their subjects to turn this way, then that way. To keep focused and calm, Denzel Washington sings under his breath (as he told Hooper). But the yelling is what gets to many.

“It’s a bit of a zoo,” says Amy Adams, who earned her third supporting actress nomination this year for “The Fighter.” “There was one time when someone yelled a swear word at me.”

Not that the reporters behind the velvet ropes are having much fun either: They’re squeezed into a tiny space, shoulder to shoulder with rival publications’ crews. “You cannot take a breath for two hours,” says Melissa Rivers. “If you leave someone waiting, someone else will pull them, and you might not get them back.”

“I punched someone from the BBC because she was pulling Nicole Kidman away from me!” says Joan Rivers.

Yet the evening’s biggest conversation starter — and stopper — is dealt with before the star even arrives: Has she picked the right dress? Yes, it may look outstanding in those photos, having been artfully arranged by a publicist (who “stands like a Sherpa” carrying the star’s coat and accouterments in the background, says Joan) but whether the actress wins the award later or not, the outfit will come back to haunt her.

“You have to dress for the camera,” says Melissa. “If you’re a nominee and you win, that is the picture they’re going to run with your obituary.”

Most have a stylist, but that’s no guarantee: “A lot of stylists just think more about the dress and the designer, rather than ‘Will it look good on my client and will they be confident in this dress?’” says stylist Estee Stanley, who has dressed Jessica Biel and Lea Michele, among others. “You have to know your client — if you see people who trip on their dresses, well, I’m not putting a ball gown on that girl.”

Then there’s someone like Helena Bonham Carter, who wears whatever she wants — with delight. “People were so fundamentally shocked by the fact that I had mismatching shoes” at the Golden Globes, she says with a chuckle. “The red carpet is so ruled by ‘fash-ism’ — the fashion industry. Why can’t we dress up and have fun?”

Arguably, men have it easier, though some grouse at the loose standards for “black tie” these days. But nominee Jeremy Renner, who earned his second Oscar nomination for “The Town,” does have some stress-busting ideas for the guys: “I personally do a deep lunge; it makes me feel silly, like a 14-year-old boy, and it loosens me up.”

And, he adds, “Wear comfortable shoes.”

In the end, keeping it light seems to be the best way to approach — and land — on the red carpet. On this too-serious night, having a little fun never hurt anyone. At least, that’s what Hooper hopes.

“I’m thinking of bringing my camera,” he muses. “Though I don’t want to look like a tourist. Still, it’s not every day you get to walk down the Oscars red carpet. I’m going to take some advice I got from Danny Boyle and just enjoy it.”

calendar@latimes.com