You Can Save All You Want, but Get a Life Too

You can find them in almost any neighborhood, senior center, retirement village and nursing home; other retirees talk about them in hushed and pitying tones. They are the lonely elderly, seemingly without family, friends or interests. Rich or poor, they sit alone on couches or in front of television sets, isolated from the swirl of activity around them.

Retirement expert Ralph Warner, 57, doesn’t think they get there by accident. And he fears that all the talk today about saving for retirement may actually boost their ranks in coming years.

“At the extremes, there are people in their 40s and 50s who are obsessed about making money and saving for retirement,” said Warner, founder of self-help publishing house Nolo.com in Berkeley and author of “Get a Life: You Don’t Need $1 Million to Retire Well.” “They’re working two jobs, reading financial magazines . . . but when do they talk to their kids?”

Conversations with happy retirees in Southern California echo Warner’s theme that good health, strong family relationships, outside interests and ongoing friendships often matter more than a hoard of cash.

As with saving, however, the attributes that contribute to a good retirement can’t be neglected until the last minute, retirees said.

Several retirees interviewed by The Times told stories of friends or neighbors who floundered after quitting work because they had no other interests and few relationships outside the office. Many of those enjoying retirement, meanwhile, said they developed the skills that helped them most well before they stopped working.

People who get out of the habit of making new friends, for example, often have a tough time in retirement when their friends begin to die or the retirees themselves move to new places and must start over, Warner said.

Likewise, people who haven’t challenged themselves mentally during their working years seem to be more at risk of memory problems, Alzheimer’s disease and difficulty adapting to new situations. Those who dream of going back to school after retirement can wind up dropping out in frustration, Warner said.

“A shrinking brain that hasn’t learned anything for a long time--it’s hard to turn that around,” he said.

Working too hard to save money can actually hurt the quality of a future retirement by compromising health and family relationships--two other cornerstones of a happy retirement, Warner said.

By contrast, happy retirees seem to have struck a balance, both before retirement and afterward. Here are some of their stories:

Clifford Holliday of Gardena always found time to volunteer, even while running a successful electrical contracting business and raising a family. He was a longtime member of Kiwanis Club and helped with various community projects, including building a home for a family that had none.

When he sold his business at age 72, he was already well known in the community for his charitable work. The Los Angeles Police Department promptly drafted him to help with a community crime abatement program. That was almost 30 years ago, and he’s been busy ever since, first with the Congress of California Seniors, then the National Council of Senior Citizens, and now with Older Americans Social Action Council (OASAC), a group that advocates policies that benefit recipients of Social Security and Medicare.

“I didn’t intend to volunteer, but I was always willing to help somebody who needed it,” said Holliday, 100. ‘You don’t get anywhere without somebody helping you.”

Holliday’s OASAC post resembles a full-time job. He spends 20 to 30 hours a week in the OASAC office, writing letters to legislators and editing a newsletter. He travels to Sacramento and Washington to lobby for his causes.

But he also finds time to exercise, keep up with friends and visit his family, including three children, two grandchildren, three great-grandchildren and one great-great grandchild.

One thing he has not done, however, is remarry, despite various studies that link happy marriages to longevity. Holliday was widowed in 1976, but reports no lack of female companionship.

“And if I marry one, I lose all the others,” Holliday said.

Sherman Oaks residents David and Beverly Harlowe mix travel, volunteer work and an extended family to create an active and satisfying life.

But both agree that their strong, happy marriage has been a cornerstone of a contented retirement.

“Money in and of itself will not give a good retirement,” said Beverly, 73, a retired advertising executive. “Most important--and this cannot be stressed too much--the two retirees must like each other and enjoy being with each other.”

David, 75, a retired business consultant, describes their union as “a glorious experience with great interdependence.” The couple say they consult each other and work for consensus and balance in their life, always putting the relationship first.

Having a plan for their retirement also helped, the Harlowes said. Both knew they wanted to travel as long as their health and money allowed.

“When we retired, we immediately simplified our life by selling our house and moving into a condo where we could just lock the door whenever we wanted to take off,” Beverly said.

Travel has helped them expand their universe of friends and family. The Harlowes keep up with their sons and grandchildren through telephone calls, visits and e-mail. The couple have also “adopted” several members of a Mexican family they met in Puerto Vallarta, where they vacation for two months every year, and David mentors a younger business executive he met years ago in Portland, Ore.

The Harlowes also enjoy volunteering, although both have struggled to find the right niche. Beverly tried literacy training and a victims’ assistance program before finding a post as a telephone counselor for the Los Angeles County Department of Consumer Affairs. She delights in helping people who feel hopeless and powerless by giving them advice and referrals to appropriate government agencies.

David volunteered for several free business counseling services, and enjoyed helping small businesses grow. But he chafed under the “good old boy” network that he says dominated one service, and couldn’t tolerate the “brain-dead cluck” that he says ran another.

Now he and a like-minded friend are considering starting a consulting service of their own, to be offered through accountants who have small-business clients in need of their expertise. Whether the service is launched or not, David said he will continue to find useful ways to spend his time.

“I think a major aspect of happy retirement is being happy with yourself and your lot in life,” David said. “This doesn’t have to be rhapsodic, just something that, in balance, leaves you feeling good with an occasional warm glow.”

Keeping busy is a mantra for Helen Pillars of North Hollywood, as well.

Pillars, now 72, flew a single-engine Cessna until three years ago, when brain surgery robbed her of the ability to coordinate the many intricate movements needed to control the plane. The surgery also took away her ability to read--a terrible blow to the retired schoolteacher, who loved crossword puzzles and books about philosophy and history. What’s worse, both her husband and a son died within months of each other and of the surgery.

The losses were devastating, but Pillars refused to give up. Instead, she tapped the love of learning that infused her 30 years as an elementary schoolteacher in the Valley, and the love of adventure that prompted her to learn to fly in her youth.

She started visiting the Van Nuys Senior Center every day to meet new friends and enjoy a hot lunch. A counselor at the center helped her pick out tape recordings of books that interested her, including motivational tomes and foreign language tapes. Although she has lost some of her mobility because of the surgery, she continues to swim three times a week to stay in shape and still gardens avidly. And she has family--a surviving son checks in on her regularly, and her daughter helps her with her weekly shopping.

Seniors have to make an active effort to fight off self-pity, depression and isolation, Pillars said.

“They find themselves at an age when all their friends are gone and their family can’t be bothered,” she said. Unless an effort is made to reach out to other people, “you’re going to sit there and you’re going to deteriorate. You can stop that by being busy, and quit complaining about being old.”

Doret Gaynor, also of North Hollywood, found that friendships and family go a long way toward easing the pains of getting older. Travel with her husband ended years ago, when he was crippled by arthritis and a heart condition; she spends much of her time caring for him now. But her five children visit her regularly, and she delights in spending time with friends.

“You have to keep the friends you have, and make new ones,” said Gaynor, who admits only to being older than 70. “You need friends to laugh with, to talk with, to shop with!”

Although some experts say making friends gets harder as we age, Gaynor says she has never had a problem turning new acquaintances into fast companions. She simply stayed in the habit of meeting and becoming interested in new people.

Gaynor also credits her spirituality with helping her accept the changes that come with age, as well as her sense of gratitude.

“I’m a very happy lady too, with a wonderful husband and very good friends,” Gaynor said.

But she does worry about today’s families being too splintered to hold together into the parents’ old age. Working couples, day care and extracurricular activities seem to leave little time for growing closer as a family, Gaynor said.

Children “are not learning family values at home,” she said. “They get in with other groups that are more important to them than their family. But there is nothing like family.”