‘So many broken, beautiful people trying to pick themselves up’: Readers share their stories of recovery

This story was originally published in Group Therapy, a weekly newsletter answering questions sent by readers about what’s been weighing on their hearts and minds. Sign up here to get it in your inbox.

Every once in a while, I write a newsletter that evokes a lot of emotion in readers. I know that’s the case when I get a flood of emails from you all sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Last week’s edition of Group Therapy, “AA isn’t the only way to change your relationship to alcohol,” was one of those newsletters. Readers sent us their stories of redemption and relapse, of bottoming out and helping one another to wholeness. These stories reflect the diversity of experience in recovery and the ups and downs of substance use. I was moved by their raw humanity, and I hope you will be, too. Some accounts have been edited and/or condensed for clarity.

Readers shared how AA changed their lives for the better

Unsurprisingly, many of you extolled the virtues of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps. One reader in Chicago wrote:

I have been sober for over 3 years and I’m all in on the AA concept. And I’ll give my take on our program, but it’s complicated.

I was forced into a 30-day rehab center where the AA principles were taught and have never attended any other recovery groups where AA wasn’t practiced, but we’re all wired differently. If another program can help you recover from this dreaded disease then I’m all for, it but the AA program was a godsend for me.

In a nutshell, here’s how AA works: You must be willing to make changes, you must be all in and get a sponsor who knows how the program works. You must make a commitment to attend meetings every day. You must stop trying to control everything. You must be willing to clear your conscience by ridding yourself of resentments, jealousy and remorse. You must make amends to those you may have harmed by your past behavior. You become humble and start respecting other people. These steps can be accomplished if you are willing to be brutally honest and share your darkest secrets and emotions with your sponsor/group. This process heals your soul and is the cornerstone for your recovery.

After completing these (simple) steps, one feels an overwhelming feeling of relief. Good things start happening in your life, you slowly start forgiving yourself for all the harm you may have caused yourself and others. You develop a feeling of self-worth, something most of us have never experienced. You begin to develop a calmness, a peace of mind that is unexplainable. You start to make the right decisions/choices. The most overwhelming feeling is the freedom to live, to have your life back again and not have your disease control it any longer. This is where and when one gets his or her awakening to their higher power as they see it.

I love my new life and consider myself a miracle.

A reader in Whitter wrote about his initial resistance to AA, both because he’s an introvert and because he didn’t yet think he had a drinking problem. But his wife insisted that he go. So he did, and for a while sat quietly in the corner:

I didn’t start sharing my story until about two months into the AA meetings. I had tears coming down my eyes, and I just felt so horrible that my kids had a dad who preferred to drink on a weekend versus be in the moment with them ... and they still loved me! I remember when I’d leave for meetings in the evening, my oldest daughter, who was 6 years old at the time, would tell me, ‘Dad is going to school to learn to be a better Dad,’ and hug and kiss me. It motivated me to keep going. They were my higher power.

But it was the power of hearing others share, the sadness that I could relate to others’ experiences, and reflect on my own events in life, that made me realize that I did have a problem with alcohol. And I couldn’t stop at just one.

Next month will be a full year that I’ve been sober. Bottom line, it was that comradery of total strangers sharing their struggles, trials, and tribulations in their own dealings with alcohol that opened my eyes. I wasn’t alone. And I never have to be alone anymore. I can easily jump into any meeting, any day of the week, whether through Zoom, my lunch hour during the week, or a late evening after the kids are in bed. I can now pass on the glass of wine at a family event and just pour a Perrier into a glass and have as much fun with my siblings, and not deal with any hangovers the next day. And I’ve never been more present in my life with my children, my wife, and even my career, than these last 11 months. My kids love my new energy! My willingness to say, “Who wants to go to the park?” on a random day. I even discovered a beautiful group via Zoom while on vacation in Kauai with my family this past summer. So many broken, beautiful people trying to pick themselves up.

Others acknowledged a more complex relationship with AA’s 12 steps

A reader in rural Idaho noted that most in their circle “turn their will over to a higher power, and a lot choose God and Jesus”:

That part isn’t working for me. I also see the disease module as true, and I see the trauma module as true also, as I believe it begins with trauma and develops into a disease. I am 48 and have struggled since age 14 with alcohol and drugs. I had to force myself to believe in something greater than myself. At first it works well, but the power of it fades for me. At first it was also the group, but the group can’t always be there or help me, for they are just people too, and that’s where higher power comes in. I’m a little over a year sober, but I think it mostly came from the absolute beatdown using gave me, and I was finally done. I have contemplated trying to drink socially again, but I haven’t yet. I still have enough fear from my last blackout drunk to keep me from indulging. I hope I can keep it. I think any path that helps people, whether abstinence or harm reduction, is a good thing.

One reader writes that though they’ve found AA to be a great tool, they believe that the 12 steps alone are not enough:

“It is a good but very divided community, as with every institution. As such, the maladies of various human conditions are often lost. The groups are self-segregating. For example: one meeting in an affluent beach community will deal with whether or not to sell various properties to be closer to family, and another within a few miles is filled with individuals who are there as a requirement due to substance-related legal issues. It’s a different experience and with this juxtaposition within the organization, a person can easily feel cast aside. More important, that their personal journey in recovery isn’t as valuable. Step into the “wrong’”meeting and your situation and social class matter. This should not be the case; it is and I have seen it firsthand.

The attempt to separate the program from what is clearly Judeo-Christian thought into an ambiguous higher power is contrived. The sugar with the medicine if you will. The literature is clearly based on traditional Judeo-Christian roots, to the point that the “higher power” is referred to as masculine which creates the same roadblocks one may find in accepting Judeo-Christian thought. What if your relationship with your personal father/parents and/or previous religious experiences is part of your story and these situations are not positive? This, in turn, affects your ability to relate to and adhere to the program. In some cases, to be open to it at all.

As your article pointed out, complete abstinence from substances is not always effective in a recovery experience and there is a great deal of quality science to support that this is the case. AA is ”mum’s the word,” and is clearly divided on this issue. Medicinal use of cannabis products is a great example.

Similarly, this reader felt that AA’s hard stance on abstinence doesn’t work for them:

I have been in and out of AA for the majority of my teenage-adult life. I have been alcohol-free for 6 years and 9 months. I did have a sponsor and was going through the steps for the first six months of sobriety. I constantly struggled with the religious aspect (as I was raised Irish Catholic and rejected it as a child). I also couldn’t get on board with identifying as an alcoholic every day. I felt this was hindering my growth as a person who no longer used drugs or alcohol. My sponsor dropped me when I told her I was going to begin using medical marijuana. Since then I have felt lost without a program to fit my life.

This past year, I moved to an area where I don’t really know anyone. Then in March of this year I was diagnosed with cancer. I debated going to local AA meetings to share with people who have similar issues, but I couldn’t bring myself to jump back into the rooms.

Several people shared honest accounts of the nonlinear nature of recovery

This reader credits her recovery to the support of a peer specialist who didn’t make her feel bad about her last relapse:

She just told me to hang on to whatever I needed. It took Suboxone and weed in the beginning to get me through the second phase of detoxing. I went through a seven-day detox and then started suffering with withdrawal symptoms after I got out. It didn’t take very long to get off and become clean of all substances, but had I not been met with support, I may have gone back to opiates to get rid of the pains of withdrawal. I’m involved in a 12-step fellowship and it has truly saved my life, but I believe we all need to be more open-minded about how we get to the help.

Another reader wrote that she’s had many relapses after being in AA for 23 years:

I have an extremely strong relationship to AA, I feel the people in AA raised me. But relapse is such a painful and scary situation. And those in AA who have maintained complete abstinence are vexed and saddened by cases like me. My message has been “never give up,’”but some scold me because there are those who won’t survive a relapse. I never intend to survive a relapse. I drink to die when I pick up. I joke that I’m allergic to alcohol — I break out in handcuffs. And I do.

I even became a social worker with a specialization in addiction, and I was good at it!

Readers also wrote about AA alternatives they’ve found to be helpful and effective

A reader named Dave’s path to recovery was not mentioned in last week’s piece:

I am a member of Secular AA, a small but growing fellowship that exists alongside “traditional” AA. We follow Tradition No. 3 of Alcoholics Anonymous which states that “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” We recognize that many members of AA work a program of recovery with the aid of a higher power, and that that higher power may be a God, but we do not feel that is a necessity. We believe that the AA program is, as stated in the literature, a suggested path to recovery that many have found helpful but also one that is adaptable. ‘Take what you need and leave the rest’ is a phrase heard often in AA meetings. It just so happens that we really mean it!

For this reader, recovery has entailed a lot of trail and error, as is the case for many who struggle with substance use:

I had destroyed all relationships with healthy family and friends, and everyone gave up on me. I ended up homeless, living in a squatter house where many addicts came and went daily. It was one addict who saw something in me that I was not aware of myself. He told me that if I wanted something better, there was a place called AA. I can still remember the disbelief and confusion at hearing the word “recovery.”

When I finally surrendered it was a decision that I feel came because so many signs pointed in the direction of choosing: either live or die. I chose to live, and since I didn’t know any other way, I utilized the 12-step approach of AA.

When I put my mind to something, I give it my all. So I dedicated the first three years of my recovery to loving myself. I became a credentialed alcohol and substance abuse counselor and worked in the field. It was during my time as a counselor that I truly began to learn and teach other methods of addiction treatment such as CBT, SMART, behavioral therapy, and even utilizing things like meditation, yoga, breathing, etc. as ways to cope with all addictions.

I am now approaching 13 years sober and I don’t attend AA meetings on a regular basis. I prefer daily reflection, meditation and gratitude as a critical part of my ongoing recovery. I also take the time to help others as I feel it is my primary purpose to help others struggling.

. . .

I’m so grateful for Group Therapy readers, but especially when you all share freely about what you’ve gone through. The wisdom in this community is a gift. Thank you for your vulnerability.

Until next week,

Laura

If what you learned today from these experts spoke to you or you’d like to tell us about your own experiences, please email us and let us know if it is OK to share your thoughts with the larger Group Therapy community. The email GroupTherapy@latimes.com gets right to our team.

See previous editions here. To view this newsletter in your browser, click here.

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