Moderator: I'm here with a group of undecided voters. Welcome. Tell us, any of you, how is it that you are still undecided? Haven't you heard enough to make up your minds?
Woman: I've heard too much.
Man: I decide. Then the candidate changes his answers to the complete opposite. Then I have to decide all over again. If they would hold still, I could decide once and for all. They're making us look like idiots. They're the ones who are undecided!
Everyone: Yes, agreed, right, etc. etc. No.
Moderator: Who said "no"?
Woman: I did. But I didn't mean it. I don't think.
Moderator: You're wearing two different socks.
Woman: Yes. Definitely. I like them both. I can say that for sure.
Moderator: What do any of you dislike the most?
Man: I hate when I've read the menu and made a choice, then the waiter comes over and tells me the specials. Now I have to decide all over again.
All: Yes, right, agreed, horrible, etc. etc.
Moderator: Regarding politics. So you think there's too much choice?
Woman: Have you tried to buy a toothbrush lately? I haven't brushed my teeth in five years. I can't do it. I run out of the store shaking.
Man: And toothpaste!
All: Aargh. Yes! Toothpaste! Shudder shudder…
Man: Even just the varieties of one brand alone, competing with itself. I decide I'll buy Colgate. Colgate what? Total Stripe, Cavity Fighting, Whitening, Gentle Whitening, With Baking Soda, Tartar Control, mint, gel, paste…
Moderator: How can you equate buying toothpaste with voting?
Man: You can't. Toothpaste is important. It's your teeth.
Moderator: Voting is your life.
All: Nooo! Stop! Aargh! Too big! Too big!
Moderator: How many of you are married?
(All hands go up.)
Woman: Well, I hope they outlaw "choice."
Moderator: Are you against abortion?
Woman: No. I'm against "choice."
Moderator: What do you think could help you decide?
Woman: Samples? Paint chips? Tastes? Trial period? Out clause? Trial size? Travel size? Auditions? Gift receipt? Expiring coupon? Layaway?
Moderator: For the candidates.
Woman: Oh. I don't know.
Man: If they were forced to stick to whatever they said the first five years of their public life.
Man: Yes, 10 years! Say it and mean it and then we can decide.
Moderator: Candidates grow. Their positions evolve.
Man: Then say, "I once thought that, and now I don't, and here's why." Don't say, "I never said/did/thought that."
Woman: We're the real voters. We've kept an open mind. Everyone else is partisan. They've made up their minds to vote party, and nothing the candidates say matters. We're the only ones really listening, so we know they keep reversing themselves. They're making everyone think we're the morons. We're patriots.
Man: Actually, I'm an actor. I'm just undecided for the TV time. I couldn't get on "Idol," so I'm playing an undecided voter here on PBS.
Moderator: Do any of you live in any of the swing states?
Woman: No. Who could take such pressure?
Woman: I've been married four times; I have two teenagers. Election season is the only time anyone listens to what I have to say. I'm never deciding.
Man: Me either. This is great. It's like being black in the Republican Party.
Man: Oh yes. Did you see how much airtime that black guy got at the GOP convention? Amazing. They kept having him change outfits and come back to the front row.
Man (actor): I know. I'm thinking of saying I'm gay and joining the "tea party."
Moderator: Do any of you like any of the third-party candidates?
All: Another political party? Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Elayne Boosler is a writer, comedian and founder of Tails of Joy.