Anyone have Mary Poppins’ number?

IF THERE’S ever a Museum of Chutzpah, this recent classified ad in a community newspaper will be the featured exhibit:

“NANNY -- FULL-TIME -- MONDAY-FRIDAY: Professional couple seeks responsible, happy, engaging nanny for 3-month-old infant. 7:30 AM-6 PM M-F; $300-350/week; breakfast, lunch provided. Would consider splitting into 2 positions (morning, afternoon). Interact/play with baby, daily stroller rides, no TV; housekeeping as time allows (during baby’s naps). Web cams present. No evenings/weekends/major holidays, no travel required. Qualification: infant childcare experience with references; college coursework in ECE or child development; current infant CPR/First Aid certification; fluent English; no smoking; reliable transportation to/from our ... home; willingness for annual background/credit check, drug screening.”

It concludes with a phone number and, no kidding, an e-mail address.

So let’s recap: A professional suburban couple needs someone to raise their child from scratch. Someone with a car who’ll brave two rush hours daily and work without rest 10 1/2 hours daily, 52 1/2 hours weekly, cleaning house when baby’s asleep instead of checking e-mail on her PowerBook. Someone fluent in not only English but also the advanced dialect of early childhood education and development. Someone who doesn’t mind Big Brother capturing her every moment for the comfort of her employers watching on the Web at their desks.

Someone who’ll do all that for whatever’s in the fridge and $6.67 an hour -- at the top end. (How high will her previous employer, whose recommendation she’ll need to land this exciting position, be willing to go before dropping out of the bidding?)

Obviously, this professional couple expects their lucky nanny to so adore the job, them and the child that she’ll stick around year after year, given that’s how often the background, credit and drug tests are scheduled for. (“Hmm, Maria, I noticed that Equifax says you’re down to a 567. Just what are you doing with all that money we give you? Blowing it on more CPR and ECE certifications? I’m afraid we’re gonna have to let you go, young lady.”)

Once upon a time there was a word for this fantasy employee: Mom.

Sure, that concept may be considered quaint today, but even in a world where credentialed Latinas await jobs on every corner (“Will raise your child for food”), there’s still a word for the professional couple who wrote this ad. In fact, a lot of words come to mind: shameful, narcissistic, clueless. Oh, and yuppie scum.

Help wanted? These people need help, all right, but not the kind they’re looking for.