Uh-oh, itâs the tax man
TO: The American taxpayer
FROM: The Internal Revenue Service
The IRS stands ready to provide clear, simple answers to the publicâs tax-related questions. For better service, we encourage inquiries weekdays between 9:15 a.m. EST and 8:35 a.m. PST and between 11:10 a.m. MDT and 9:45 p.m. GMT. Donât hesitate to contact us, except on federal holidays and certain state commemorations. Also, Mondays arenât very good. Actually, Fridays arenât so hot either. Midweek can be hit-and-miss too, as staff ponders the cheerless, thankless remainder of the workweek.
Our toll-free taxpayer help-line number is a state secret. We canât be more specific unless you possess a government security clearance of 17 or higher. If you donât know what that means, itâs probably best to forget the entire enterprise. However, if these conditions are satisfied, you will be placed in contact with the IRS representative who has the office coordinates.
We have prepared the following list of âCommonly Asked Questions.â (This is distinct from our âFrequently Asked Questions,â which, because of its popularity, has been made unavailable to the public until further notice.) The âCAQsâ can be useful in clarifying the occasional bits of confusion that arise from 60,000 pages of federal tax code.
Remember, our motto is, âWeâre here to please.â Our other motto is, âQuestions come in two forms: stupid and very stupid, which one are you?â A final note -- you are still responsible for preparing an accurate tax return to the penny. Failure to do so, out of ignorance, idiocy or some combination thereof, will result in the IRS permanently fixing your financial wagon.
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Question: I am a private citizen filing a single return with no itemized deductions. My company automatically deducts federal taxes from my salary. When are my taxes due?
Answer: This is a complicated matter and canât be answered in the space provided.
Q: My New Orleans home was swept away by floods last summer and Iâve been living in a soggy cardboard box ever since. Iâve already filed Form 4868 (Application for Automatic Extension of Time to File U.S. Income Tax Return), but I think I will need more time to track down financial records. I heard that in cases of âundue hardship,â more time can be granted. Is that true?
A: Weâd like to thank you for the silliest question weâve ever received, and thatâs saying something. It will bring howls of laughter from our staff.
Q: Should I mail or e-mail my tax return?
A: You seem to be searching for a black-and-white answer. Wouldnât life be grand if everything were as simple as you made it seem? As an âeither/orâ personality, you should be more concerned with your unhealthy obsession for absolutes. Consult your personal physician for further details.
Q: I owe more in taxes than I earn in a year. I canât pay that much, and even if I could, how could this be? And what should I do about this egregious situation?
A: Your best bet is to think of a really good prison nickname, like âMad Dogâ or âTinkerbell.â
Q: I have a home office, but I also use it a couple times a year as a guestroom. Can I still take the home office deduction without being flagged for an audit?
A: Asking questions about the home office deduction automatically triggers an audit -- and a full body-cavity search.
Q: Iâm still waiting for my refund from 2004. Where is it?
A: The check is in the e-mail.
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