From Campaign Trail to Ho Chi Minh Trail

Let’s stop re-fighting the Vietnam War on the campaign trail and re-fight it where it’ll do some good: in Vietnam. That’s right, let’s stop mucking around and just ... reinvade Vietnam.

I don’t know if you’ve been listening lately, but it turns out we’re pretty obsessed with the place. People don’t talk this much about Vietnam even in Vietnam. I feel bad for Iraq. Usually when a war gets that little attention, it involves Africans.

We Americans need to work out our Vietnam “issues,” and like all nuanced, complicated questions, there’s really just one simple answer, and it drops from the belly of a plane.

Sorry, Vietnam, but if we can have preemptive war, we can have postmortem war. Remember what Dick Cheney says: America must make no distinction between terrorists and those who harbor them -- and those who do not!

Now, some of you are saying, Bill, we can’t bomb Vietnam. Who’s going to make our sneakers? And if no one makes the sneakers, who’s going to make the big endorsement deals? And without those, how do basketball players pay for their pricey rape lawyers? Yes, it’s like a row of dominos. That’s why they call it Vietnam.

I know that we didn’t win it last time -- but we will this time because, if you read the papers, you’ll see that since Vietnam we’ve mastered this whole guerrilla insurgency thing.

Plus, Vietnam doesn’t have any weapons of mass destruction or any links to 9/11 or any ties to Al Qaeda.

They’re practically asking for it!

But this isn’t about them anyway. It’s about us, and our need for closure and completion and all that other stuff Dr. Phil talks about. This will allow us to move forward, into a shining future, so that decades from now, the president -- whichever of the Bush twins it is -- can say: Our national nightmare is truly over. Vietnam is behind us. Now let’s go kick the heck out of Peru.