HATS OFF TO A ‘DUMB’ WRITER : Saluting One of Our Own--Recuperating Nicely, Thanks

Let us all in our own ways, since Calendar is a non-denominational publication, take time out from our busy reading schedules this morning to give a silent paragraph of tribute to Peter H. Brown:

Amen.

There’s no category in the Nobel Prize considerations for what Peter has done. But he should not go unheralded.

He wrote the series for us on “Dumb: How to make stupid, mindless, moronic, gross, slob movies and make millions and millions of dollars and live happily ever after.”

In the process of collecting information for his five episodes, he saw 36 of these movies as research, which would seem to give a wholly new meaning to the concept of excessive. He watched them on cable TV. He saw them on videocassettes. He went to suburban drive-ins. . . .

The analogy that springs forth is that Peter’s mind resembles Minnesota on that first day of spring when it all turns to mush.

As far as we can tell, Peter is wending his way back to reasonable normalcy, and he’s commencing excessive preparation on another article. But we asked him to recollect his Dumb movies and, as a sort of academic trip, to assess them based on worst to least worst, rotten being relative in Hollywood:

1-- “Piggy’s.”

2-- “Beach Girls.”

3-- “Party Animal.”

4-- “Summer Camp.”

5-- “Hollywood Hot Tubs.”

6-- “Lunch Wagon.”

7-- “The Last American Virgin.”

8-- “Private School.”

9-- “Tom Boy.”

10-- “Swim Team.”

11-- “Mugsy’s Girls.”

12-- “Hot Moves.”

13-- “Weekend Pass.”

14-- “Private Lessons.”

15-- “Joy Sticks.”

16-- “Hardbodies.”

17-- “Meatballs II.”

18-- “Where the Boys Are.”

19-- “Night Patrol.”

20-- “Zapped.”

21-- “My Tutor.”

22-- “Preppies.”

23-- “Spring Break.”

24-- “The Wild Life.”

25-- “Valley Girl.”

26-- “Porky’s II--The Next Day.”

27-- “Hot Dog--The Movie.”

28-- “Meatballs.”

29-- “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.”

30-- “Caddyshack.”

31-- “Porky’s.”

32-- “Police Academy.”

33-- “Bachelor Party.”

34-- “Revenge of the Nerds.”

35-- “Stripes.”

36-- “National Lampoon’s Animal House.”

Peter’s wife Pam saw four of the movies with him and, recalled Peter, “She just quit going. It was after the preview for ‘Revenge of the Nerds’--and that was a good one! She just said, ‘I’m not going. I’m never going to one of those again.’ ”

But Peter, since he is excessive, had to go on.

Did Pam hate the editor for giving him the assignment?

Peter became circumspect.

It is quite amazing what passes for entertainment these days. Many of us don’t see the amusement value in humiliations, rapings, killings and most of the aforementioned. Maybe we have just grown too old.

Some readers also submit that it’s quite amazing what passes for articles in Calendar, in reference to the Dumb ones. (See letters on Page XX.) But for certain these articles don’t pass swiftly into print. There are so many excursions into the realms of rotten taste these days that it calls for gargantuan editing to get the reading ready for the adults. (The kids pretty well know what’s going on.)

We all had to summon up superhuman efforts of euphemism to get Peter’s articles (likewise Pat Broeske’s takeout last fall on gore films, “Killing Is Alive and Well in Hollywood”) into the family way. It’s amazing what you can say without saying it--if only the movies don’t outrace our ability to euphemize.

To make amends for this assignment, we have suggested to Peter that he take his payments from this experience and manipulate them cleverly through the various money market schemes. He could parlay these funds into enough financing to produce a stupid, mindless, moronic, gross, slob movie based on his series.

He would make million and millions of dollars and live happily ever after.

The question is what to do with Pam.