Mirror Image of U.S. Defense Budget

Secretary of Defense Caspar W. Weinberger looked into the mirror in his private Pentagon washroom wearily. He had just been on the “Today Show” at 7 o’clock, “Good Morning America” at 7:30 and “CBS Morning News” at 8:15 to make his case for a 13% increase in his budget.

He said, “Why can’t people understand that I’ve cut everything to the bare bone, and if Congress doesn’t give me my money the Soviets will never bargain in good faith in Geneva?”

“I understand it,” the mirror replied.

Weinberger said: “I don’t make up America’s defense budget--the Russians dictate it. Is $26 billion too much to develop a foolproof ‘Star Wars’ system?”

“It’s a drop in the bucket just to find out if it will work or not. Even if it doesn’t, the commies will have to spend a lot of rubles on their own ‘Star Wars’ program.”

“Am I being unreasonable about spending billions for an MX missile program that will protect us until we have our killer satellites in place?” Weinberger asked.

The mirror said: “You’re overly prudent. If we don’t have MX missiles you’ll be throwing all the B-1 bombers on order down the tube, not to mention the fighter planes you need to protect our battleships.”

“Cruise missiles don’t come cheap either,” Weinberger said defensively.

“Don’t I know,” the mirror answered. “But they’re a bargain compared to the Trident II submarine program, which will cost $42 billion.”

“Fifty-two billion,” Weinberger corrected. “Can you believe Congress wants me to stretch out the weapons over a period of years so they can bring the budget deficit down?”

“It would be a big mistake,” the mirror said thoughtfully. “When you slow down production each weapon costs more to make. Any fool is aware that the more you order the cheaper they are.”

“Cutting the military budget doesn’t help the deficit, you know,” Weinberger said.

“I probably do, but tell me why again.”

“Because every time you chop a billion dollars from the military you eliminate 35,000 jobs. The only real choice the government has is to put the money into either unemployment benefits or weapons.”

“You ought to use that argument with Congress,” the mirror said.

“I already have. They’re still giving me a hard time. They claim since they’re cutting out the farmers, the students, welfare, Medicare and housing for the poor, the Defense Department should at least be willing to make a few sacrifices.”

The mirror rattled: “You can’t put wasteful government spending on domestic giveaways in the same out basket with cost-efficient Defense Department programs. People and missiles don’t mix.”

“You said it; I didn’t.”

“So what are you going to do?” the mirror asked.

“I’m going to hang tough, and cry doom. They owe me $277.5 billion for 1986, and I’m not going to take a nickel less.”

The mirror said: “I like it when you stick your jaw out. Do that on the Ted Koppel show tonight.”

“I plan to. Well, I have to go up on the Hill again today and meet with six or seven congressional committees. How do I look?”

“Like a trillion dollars, give or take a billion either way.”