What Was the Score? We Got Screened Out by Auerbach’s Smoke

In the wake (no pun intended) of Game 1 of the NBA Final Monday afternoon, a couple of questions spring to mind.

Danny Ainge?

Scott Wedman?

Also:

Long about the third quarter Monday, would anyone have been surprised if Red Auerbach had reported into the game and canned a couple of two-hand set shots from half court?

That’s the only way the Celtics could have made it more embarrassing for the Lakers.

The important thing to remember, Laker fans, is not to give up. It’s only one game, although it’s true that the Titanic only hit one iceberg.

Steel yourselves. This is no time to panic, although it wouldn’t hurt to synchronize your watches.

Be prepared for a couple of rough days at work, where you are likely to be subjected to good-natured jibes from co-workers, such as:

--Was my TV picture scrambled, or was that just the Lakers’ fast break?

--Care for a cigarette? Blindfold?

--Hey, the Celtics still respect the Lakers. Auerbach is going to hang the Lakers’ uniforms in the Boston Garden rafters. While the Lakers are still wearing ‘em.

--Somebody shoulda told Worthy it’s dangerous to drive on Memorial Day.

--The Lakers’ problem was substitutions. They should bench Jack Nicholson and bring in Vincent Price.

Yes, fans, I’m afraid you’re in for a little bit of mid-series suffering.

But at least you won’t have to listen to any more Boston-style weeping until at least Thursday.

The Celtics, some of them anyway, came into the series crying about injuries, about lack of bench strength, and about the new schedule format that forces the team with the home-court advantage to play Games 3, 4 and 5 on the road.

Leave it to those nutty Celtics to complain about having to play three straight games in an arena that has air vents and indoor plumbing.

Auerbach even complained about how easy the Lakers had it getting to the finals. Which is true, but how are the Lakers to blame? They played who the league told ‘em to play.

Maybe Red was hoping the Lakers would feel guilty and give the Celtics a 10-point spot.

Just before halftime, CBS color man Tommy Heinsohn was weeping. Laker sub Mike McGee was soundly hacked on a layup attempt, the referee called a foul, and Heinsohn, one of the true finesse players of his era (the Pleistocene), whined to broadcast mate Dick Stockton, “That was a chintzy foul, Dick.”

It sure was, Tommy, and McGee’s free throws trimmed the Celtic lead to a precarious 29 points.

Had enough weeping? No, at halftime, the ever-gracious Red Auerbach took time out from his busy schedule to come on TV and cry about K.C. Jones not being voted NBA Coach of the Year.

Right-o, Red! And can you believe Larry Bird once again not being elected to the Senate?

Next, Auerbach will be grousing that his Sav-On Special wasn’t named Cigar of the Year. He’ll subpoena the Lakers to find out how they voted.

What the heck, when things are going well on the court, you have to take your slights and injustices where you find them.

Some of you fans stayed with the telecast after halftime, hoping to witness the greatest sports comeback of all time. But Anthony Davis couldn’t have pulled this one out.

What was the final score? I couldn’t see it on my TV. Someone had accidently thrown a bowl of guacamole dip against the picture tube.

Meanwhile, fans, take comfort in the fact that your Lakers have nearly three days to regroup. They’ll unwind today by visiting Boston Common and Bunker Hill, sites of the other two most famous Boston wipeouts.

Also, as a tribute to the Boston Tea Party, the Lakers will go down to Boston Harbor, throw basketballs over the railing of an old ship, and see if they can hit the water.

For you fans, all I can do is offer a few inspirational thoughts to carry you over to Thursday:

--As Dick Motta once said, it’s not over until the fat lady sings. Or the fat man with the cigar crows and gloats.

--Some day, somehow, Scott Wedman will miss a shot, although not all of us will live to see it.

--Fortunately, Larry Bird’s right index finger and right elbow are still hurting. Unfortunately, they are hurting the Lakers.

---Radio Shack sells a dandy little Tommy Heinsohn voice filter that clips onto your TV speaker.

--Most small children were at the beach Monday afternoon and weren’t exposed to the telecast.

--The SCUBA tanks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar will wear on his back in Thursday’s game probably won’t slow him down much.

--Magic Johnson, who once said, “I strive on pressure,” has all of it any man could ask for.

--It’s always darkest just before you run into a tree.