Baseball Hears From a Man of Reasons

Twenty-seven reasons why a baseball strike is a lousy idea. . . .

1. It’s unbecoming to cry about money if you: a) own a Rolls-Royce, or b) own a team full of players who own Rolls-Royces. A strike will expose the fact that the players and owners are shamefully oblivious of the real world out here, where some of us can barely afford BMWs.

2. Billy Martin will have too much spare time on his hands.

3. Boston fans will have nothing to keep their minds off the Celtics’ embarrassing June Swoon.

4. Every day on TV and in the newspapers, we’ll see team player reps wearing suits and ties. I hate that. It’s not proper for baseball players to wear suits and ties, any more than it’s proper for corporation executives or brain surgeons to go to work wearing baseball uniforms. Why can’t the players at least wear their uniforms to the negotiating sessions?

5. Pedro Guerrero is ready to hit 40 homers. Who knows, maybe a triple crown.

6. Everyone you meet on the street will be an instant labor-dispute expert, although no one you talk to will have the vaguest idea of the actual issues involved.

7. Peter Ueberroth’s perfect record will go down the tubes. He saved the Olympics, and he saved the ’84 World Series, but what has Pete done for us lately?

8. Someone will kiddingly suggest that Rambo be called in to mediate the dispute. Sly Stallone will take the offer seriously and volunteer his services. Mr. T will be disappointed that nobody asked him.

9. TV news shows and newspapers will do fan-on-the-street interviews, where fans will say they’re fed up, and will vow never again to attend a major league baseball game. Most will keep their word--until the strike ends.

10. Pete Rose, 4,192; Rod Carew 3,000.

11. They can’t do this to Gene Mauch, now that he has the pitching to prove that he really is a baseball genius.

12. Kenny Hahn, or some other politician, will make a lame public appeal to President Reagan to intervene and end the baseball crisis. Reagan will wisely decline to become involved. But the President will find time in October, if the strike is still on, to phone the Cubs and congratulate them on finally not blowing the pennant.

13. No more baseball highlights and bloopers.

14. Ryne Sandberg is coming around.

15. When the strike is settled and baseball resumes, every player who plays lousy will blame it on the strike.

16. Who knows what Dale Murphy will turn to once he has seen all the PG-13-rated movies ever made.

17. Baseball fans by the thousands will discover a trendier, faster-paced, more exciting sport: bingo.

18. Stadium organists will all get gigs playing Holiday Inn lounges, making it unsafe to travel.

19. How can you have a labor-management dispute when there’s no real labor and no real management?

20. Someone will ask Howard Cosell for his opinion on the strike, and he will give it. Ditto Yogi Berra.

21. The USFL will come off its deathbed. Or someone will attempt to cash in on the summer sports-entertainment void by creating a new football league, or a new shuffleboard-on-horseback league.

22. Philadelphia fans haven’t had time to properly show their appreciation to Mike Schmidt for calling them “beyond help . . . uncontrollable . . . . “

23. Most of the players will be out of shape when they return to work. This will cause fans to grumble, until someone points out that most of the players were out of shape when they went out on strike.

24. A short season will screw up the stats forever. It’s not a real season when the RBI champion has 49.

25. Oil Can Boyd, Vince Coleman.

26. Once the strike is settled, baseball will come up with a stupid, confusing system to determine which teams will make the league championship playoffs. The Giants will wind up playing the Pirates in the World Series, and the American League will register a protest.

27. The rest of the world will laugh at us.