The Big Beer Ban Does Not Add Up

Inquiring minds ask the Answer Man ...

I see the Angels have eliminated the sale of 32-ounce beers, in an effort to control fan behavior. This seems like a logical move, since the 32-ounce beer cup is large enough to wash a load of laundry in. Who needs a beer that big, anyway?

I’m not sure that banning the 32 ouncer will have much impact on fan behavior. A study commissioned by this column revealed that the average 32-ounce beer at Anaheim Stadium is disposed of in the following manner:

Six ounces are spilled on people’s shoes on the walk between the concession stand and the fans’ seat; nine ounces are spilled on the fan sitting directly in front of the drinker when the drinker swats at a passing beach ball; six ounces are poured out trying to skim off the peanut shells and moths that have landed in the suds; five ounces are absorbed into the drinker’s mustache (slightly less for women); three ounces evaporate; and three ounces are actually consumed.

Johnny Miller took something called a “Sports Enhancement Assn.” course. After shooting a good opening round in the Canadian Open, he said his “alpha waves” were smooth. He said, “My brain waves have to level off (in order for him to play well).” What did Miller say after finishing tied for fourth in the Open? “Surf’s up.”

Do you believe Zola Budd’s claim, that after colliding with Mary Decker in the Olympics, Budd purposely slowed up to avoid winning a medal?

Absolutely. I also believe Zola purposely stopped growing in the seventh grade in order to avoid being drafted by the Boston Celtics.

Pity the poor umpire. Nobody ever mentions the ump unless he makes a bad call. Why can’t the umps get any mention for the good things they do? How’s this: On June 22, in Clearwater (Fla.) Stadium, umpire Kevin O’Connor ejected from the game stadium organist Wilbur Snapp (I did not make up that name). O’Connor has been nominated to Baseball’s Hall of Fame.

At many major league ballparks, officials are limiting fans’ beer consumption. Congress is threatening to eliminate the tax writeoff for season tickets used for business purposes. What ever happened to fans’ rights? I agree. It’s a disgrace when baseball owners and congressmen gang up to eliminate the backbones of our National Pastime--rowdy, sloppy drunks, and corporate, tax-dodging freeloaders.

What’s happening with the L.A. Express? The USFL office fires the coaching staff, and the general manager, and lets the team’s (and league’s) best field goal kicker jump to the NFL. These look like desperate, money-saving moves. Aren’t the league owners all supposed to be zillionaires willing to lose a lot of money in order to get the league off the ground? Indeed they are, friend. But those obscenely wealthy owners didn’t get rich by throwing their money away on such foolishly extravagant items as coaches, general managers and world-class field goal kickers.

Is it true that Carl Lewis, the pregame National Anthem singer at a recent Angel game, actually lip-synced the song to a recording? If so, who’s recording was it?

Aretha Franklin’s. Just kidding. Actually, the way I understand it, Carl really did sing the national anthem, except that he stopped singing right after “. . . the bombs bursting in air . . .” It was a chilly evening, Lewis felt a twinge in his throat, and he feared that by finishing the anthem he would risk pulling a tonsil.

The Forum has banned smoking in the seating areas. Isn’t this an infringement of smokers’ rights? I would agree with you, except that smoking is not forbidden at the Forum. The new rule merely states that smokers may not exhale. Other stadiums and arenas are also cracking down on smokers. At Yankee Stadium the other day, three fans were arrested for smoking, after they were set afire by a roving gang of punk arsonists.

Watching the Wimbledon coverage, I was shocked by the scandalous attire worn by a certain person. It was tasteless, an affront to Wimbledon tradition, and totally lacking in sex appeal. Do you agree? Yes, I think that Bud Collins’ trousers should be outlawed.

What about the skin-tight body suit worn by California player Anne White in an early round of the tournament? Do you think this sort of outfit is the look of the future in sports? Geez, I hope not. I am in favor of legislating them out of existence. The skin-hugging body suits look great on the likes of Evelyn Ashford, Carl Lewis and Anne White. But if you let people like that wear the skin suits, how can you say no when Terry Forster wants to wear one?