The Whole Truth About Holmes’ Lip and Raider Excuses

Dear Answer Man . . .

After Larry Holmes failed to tie Rocky Marciano’s record of 49-0, Holmes said: “Marciano couldn’t have carried my jockstrap.” How about it? Do you think Marciano could have carried Holmes’ jockstrap?

I don’t think Rocky would have wanted to.

In these troubled times of global misery and fear and terror, what seems to be the most pressing crisis, Answer Man?

I get most of my information on world affairs from listening to football coaches and TV football broadcasters, so I would have to say the biggest problem facing mankind is the NFL’s 45-man roster limit. It’s a tragedy, a sham, a shame and a farce. This new limit has certainly phased out a lot of my favorite players. It’s a wonder the league hasn’t folded.

Larry Holmes still hasn’t thrown a right hand at Michael Spinks. Where did Holmes’ right hand disappear to?

Nobody is sure, but the matter is under investigation. Heading up the search is Larry Holmes’ uncle, Sherlock.

When the Raiders played at Kansas City two weeks ago, Raider owner Al Davis complained not only about his team having to play with only three days rest, but about having to cross two time zones. Is that really such a handicap?

Not time zones , pal. Time warps . The league office required the Raiders to travel across two time warps on the way to Kansas City, and the Raiders offense wound up back in the 1930s. They’re still trying to get back to the future.

It appears that Billy Martin and Ed Whitson both were pretty well tanked by the time they got into their scuffle in that Baltimore bar, so details of the fight are hazy. Who do you think delivered the most punishing shots?

The bartender.

I heard about this crazy thing called “Jogline,” where you sign up, pay $22 for six months, and you get a monthly list of runners in your area whose jogging programs are compatible with your own. According to the brochure I got, the idea is that you will be more motivated to get off your duff and run if you have some jogging buddies hounding you. Whatever happened to self motivation? Whatever happened to the beauty of a solitary run? Do we have to have partners for everything?

As a matter of fact, yes, and I support this concept of shared experience and mutual motivation. In fact, as a sidelight to my job as a sports expert, I run several matchup services of my own, each available for a nominal fee. I pair up folks looking for others who share their interest in rooting for Atlanta pro sports teams--Dogline. I send out lists of people who like to eat themselves sick but hate to do it alone--Hogline. If you are bored by jogging and would like to join the ever-increasing ranks of pogo-stick enthusiasts, you might want to try my Frogline. Want someone to motivate you to beat your rugs more often, try the Flogline. And don’t wind up sipping your holiday season cheers alone. Send for my Eggnogline.

I know all big-time college football teams film their games and their scrimmages for later critique and study. Now I read that the University of Nebraska coaching staff actually films its football players working out in the weight room. What next?

Some schools shoot films of the players during film-study sessions. The players are then evaluated and graded on posture, attentiveness and poise in the face of the coaching staff’s traditional verbal abuse.

Why are there ties in college football? Why don’t they play overtime, like the pros?

Because the student-athletes have classes to get back to.

Was outfielder Chili Davis of the Giants expressing the feelings of most major league hitters when he said of Dwight Gooden: “He ain’t God, man . “?

Davis was merely delivering what, in Supreme Court terminology, would be called the minority opinion.

I read where Ron Springs, the former Dallas Cowboy running back, was convicted of resisting arrest when he roughed up two cops -- one of them a woman -- trying to remove him from a topless bar. I’ve never been to one of these places. Why do they call them “topless” bars?

Because you check your brain at the front door.

I’m confused. Was the Holmes-Spinks fight a heavyweight title fight? I know Holmes was not considered the champ of the WBA or WBF. Was he the champ of the IBF? Or am I thinking of the FBI? I told you I was confused.

Actually Holmes was, and still is, recognized as champion of the FIB, as in: “I’m really in great shape for this fight.”

When Eric Dickerson ended his holdout, he said: “I believe I have to win my position back.” What do you think his chances are?

My inside sources tell me Eric is moving up rapidly on the Rams’ depth chart.