VIRTUES, SINS OF CARDINALS : 25 Things You Ought to Know

There are a lot of things every good baseball fan should know about St. Louis, unless of course said fan is from there.

In that case, he or she probably knows about Bones Ely and Pickles Dilhoefer and Rabbit Maranville and Dizzy Dean and Country Slaughter and Peanuts Lowrey and some of the other Damon Runyonesque characters who have played baseball for the Cardinals.

With the National League playoffs beginning tonight, everybody already knows the essentials about the Cardinal opponents, the Los Angeles Dodgers: that the manager you see on the field is either Tom Lasorda or Jay Johnstone with a pillow stuffed beneath his shirt; that Fernando Valenzuela now speaks English better than most of the men interviewing him; that team captain Bill Russell is not the 6-9 guy with the goatee who used to play for the Boston Celtics, and that half the people in the grandstand either have their own sitcom or were attacked alongside Blake and Krystle Carrington by the terrorists from Moldavia.

Since nothing else really needs to be said about the Dodgers, this seems an opportune time to fill in a few blanks about the St. Louis Cardinals. So, here are 25 things everyone ought to know about them:

1. Shortstop Ozzie Smith and second baseman Tommy Herr made fewer errors combined than Dodger shortstop Mariano Duncan made by himself. And Duncan played great defense this season.

2. In 1958, the Cardinals had a player named Benny Valenzuela. Near as we can tell, there was never an outbreak in St. Louis of Bennymania.

3. During games at Busch Stadium, the Cardinals wear down opponents in much the way prisoners of war were worn down by Chinese water torture or bamboo shoots shoved beneath the fingernails. What they do is have the organist play the Budweiser theme song until you run off the field screaming, thereby forfeiting the game.

4. The Dodger expected to have the toughest time in St. Louis is first base coach Manny Mota. During the 1982 World Series in St. Louis, Cardinal Owner Augie Busch entered the stadium on a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, one of which filled the first-base coach’s box before the first-base coach did. Mr. Mota is advised to wear old shoes.

5. Center fielder Willie McGee of the Cardinals hit .353, knocked in 82 runs--mostly batting leadoff or second--stole 56 bases, scored 15 more runs than any Dodger did, recorded a triple-double in extra-base hits, patrolled center field the way Superman patrolled Metropolis and contributed further to the ulcer of a certain Mr. Steinbrenner of New York City, who traded McGee to the Cardinals for that pitching immortal, Bob Sykes.

6. This is not verified, but there is a fair chance that Cardinal pitcher Danny Cox is the only player in the majors from Chattahoochee Valley Junior College in Phenix City, Ala.

7. In 1899, the franchise changed its name to the St. Louis Cardinals. Before that, it was called the St. Louis Perfectos. When Anheuser-Busch, Inc., bought the team in 1953, it renamed Sportsman’s Park but not the team itself. There is no truth to the rumor that Augie Busch wanted to call the team the St. Louis Sixpaks.

8. The manager of the Cardinals, Dorrell Norman (Whitey) Herzog, signed as a player with the New York Yankees, played for the Washington Senators, Kansas City A’s, Baltimore Orioles and Detroit Tigers; coached the Kansas City A’s, New York Mets and California Angels, and managed Texas, California, the Kansas City Royals and St. Louis. He has traveled more than Charles Kuralt.

9. The Cardinal shortstop, Ozzie Smith, is part cat. He dives for ground balls, lands on all fours, springs back up and throws out the fastest of runners. Smith also batted .275 this season, which is not bad for a No. 8 hitter, especially one who could bat .176 and still keep his job. If baseball ever allows a designated fielder, Ozzie Smith will become the game’s first billionaire.

10. The Cardinals lead both leagues in might-as-well-be-doubles. Anytime one of these guys gets a single, he will soon be seen on second base. Vincent (Van Go) Coleman stole 110 bases, McGee 56, Andy Van Slyke 34, Smith 31, Tommy Herr 31, Terry Pendleton 17 and Cesar Cedeno 14. Even Ivan DeJesus swiped a couple, and he only got 11 singles all year.

11. The top three starting pitchers of the Cardinals won 60 games. The Cleveland Indians won 60 games.

12. Herzog announced that he had just become “45 games dumber” when free agent Bruce Sutter signed with another team. Jeff Lahti, Ken Dayley, Bill Campbell, Rick Horton, Bob Forsch and Todd (The Next Goose Gossage) Worrell combined to save 42 games this season, which is a lot more than Bruce Sutter did at Atlanta.

13. In 1944, there was an all-St. Louis World Series. No, it did not involve the Perfectos. It was the St. Louis Browns vs. the Cardinals. The Cards won it, four games to two, and the leading Series hitter for the victors, with a .412 average, was Emil Verban, who now has a society of Cub fans named after him. If more Cub fans knew this, they probably would name the society after someone else.

14. One of the winningest pitchers in baseball over the last few years has been One Tough Dominican, as he is known, Joaquin Andujar. Andujar won 21 games this season but refused to attend the All-Star Game because he was not permitted to start it. So far, at least, he intends to show up for the playoffs, even though John Tudor is pitching tonight. You never know about the World Series.

15. The season is 162 games old, and Andujar still does not know which way to bat. He wanted to become a switch-hitter. Cardinal management wasn’t crazy about that, because batting left-handed leaves the pitcher’s throwing arm vulnerable to inside pitches. Against the Mets last week, Andujar batted right-handed against Dwight Gooden his first time up, left-handed next time. Against Orel Hershiser, perhaps he will jump back and forth between pitches.

16. One of the steals of the season was Cesar Cedeno, whom the Cardinals picked up late in the season. He gave the bench some badly needed right-handed hitting. He also gave the team some badly needed fire. After a brushback pitch last week, Cedeno stepped in, stared steely-eyed at the pitcher and hit the next pitch to suburban St. Louis.

17. Joe Garagiola, NBC baseball announcer, used to live and play in St. Louis. There is a teensy-weensy possibility he will mention this fact sometime during the days to come.

18. Damon Runyon must have dreamed up this franchise. Other ex-Cardinals include Coonike Blank, Frenchy Bordagaray, Farmer Burns, Charlie Chant, Creepy Crespie, Pea Ridge Day, Wheezer Dell, Cozy Dolarn, Blix Donnelly, Wish Egan, Bad News Galloway, Solly Hemus, H. Ducky Holmes and J. Ducky Holmes, Ham Hyatt, Bubber Jonnard, Nub Kleinke, Royce Lint, Carlisle Littlejohn, Duster Mails, Stoney McGlynn, Vinegar Bend Mizell, Soldier Boy Murphy, Brusie Ogrodowski, Finners Quinlan, Bugs Raymond, Ossee Schreckengost, Homer Smoot and Old Hoss Twineham.

19. Andy Van Slyke, a good outfielder, had a bad day recently in New York when three balls went over his head for doubles, back to back to back. It must have reminded him of the 1983 day in Louisville when he returned to action after having taken off three games to get married. His first day back, he made four errors.

20. Pitcher Bob Forsch said the biggest reason he was happy that St. Louis made the playoffs and that New York didn’t was that everybody in New York still thinks everybody in Missouri runs around barefoot.

21. Vince Coleman stole 110 bases. Big deal. Last year, in the minors, he stole 145. He missed 31 games last year with an injury.

22. During the 1982 playoffs and World Series, several Cardinal players starred in “The John Cosell Show” after every game. John Stuper, Glenn Brummer, Mike Ramsey and Dave LaPoint sat around a clubhouse table, interviewing one another, using Michelob bottles as microphones. None of them are still with the team.

23. Catcher Darrell Porter had only five more singles this season than he had extra-base hits. He also stole six bases, but no one as yet has referred to him as Darrell Van Go.

24. Jack Clark had as many doubles this season as Willie McGee, and a dozen more home runs. He batted 170 fewer times.

25. A good St. Louis baseball fan will know right off the bat how many birds there are on the shirt of a Cardinal uniform. Shame on you if you don’t.