Sad-Story Contest Is Woe Below Par

Sad Story Night Saturday in Calabasas was enough to make a grown man cry. It certainly was enough to bring tears to Michael Smith’s eyes.

Smith is a restaurant owner who arranged the sad-story competition as a promotion for his 5-month-old business. Expecting that 30 or so contestants would appear with funny tales of woe, he lined up judges, arranged for prizes, hired a trio of “criers” to weep on cue and hung lights outside his tiny eatery to create room for what he hoped would be an overflow crowd of 200.

But only three contestants showed up.

And the audience wasn’t much larger.

The winning story was recited by a 12-year-old schoolgirl--who admitted lifting her weepy tale of an orphan and a dying puppy from a library book.

“The turnout was a real sad story,” said Smith, 43, a former producer of cheap horror movies who lives in Newbury Park. “So were the stories--I wasn’t expecting dead puppies. . . . I’ve heard sad, funny stories all my life. Where were they tonight?”

Winner Lizanne Wirth of Thousand Oaks said she recycled her tale of grief from an appearance she made last month at an eighth-grade speech tournament. It won her only third place in that contest.

Second place at Smith’s went to Laura Roberts of Thousand Oaks, who told what she said was a real-life story about her dog dying in an animal shelter. Ben Wicklin of Calabasas won third place with a story about a man who mistakenly commissioned him to cut a jeep in half.

The hired criers acknowledged having to work hard to summon sobs during the contest.

“You want to hear a really sad story? Which marriage do you want to hear about?” said one of them, stock-film company owner Ken Kramer of North Hollywood.

Contest judge John H. Craig said he hears sadder stories day in and day out. He is a bankruptcy judge.

“Unfortunately, people are really crying when I talk to them about filing a Chapter 11,” Craig said after the contest.

The scheduled chief contest judge, “Divorce Court” television show host Jim Peck, was called out of town at the last minute, said Laurie Golden, publicist for Smith and his Baby Huey’s Eatin’ Place restaurant.

“My sad story’s just beginning, but I’m sure I’ll work again,” said Golden, visibly distraught. “My husband didn’t even show up for this. I’m getting a headache.”

Lizanne, meantime, seemed in line for a stomachache. One of her prizes was 10 turkey sandwiches and 10 cherry cola drinks. Smith said she would be required to eat them all at once.