NONFICTION - Nov. 24, 1985

COMMON COURTESY: IN WHICH MISS MANNERS SOLVES THE PROBLEM THAT BAFFLED MR. JEFFERSON by Judith Martin (Atheneum: $10.95). Thomas Paine argued for the rights of man. Now Judith Martin (“Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”) suggests good manners as a refined cure for the nation’s epidemic of rudeness. Somewhat like Jefferson, she grapples with the ideals of freedom, equality and how etiquette should be applied to the pursuit of happiness in a society in which “your waiter wants to be your friend, but if you are interested in romance you have to place a classified ad.” It’s a critical social commentary on class structure, rather than a how-to-use-the-right-fork approach. In witty discourse (based on her address to the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard), Martin advocates the dignity of labor, argues that society should be kept free of “ranking systems.” “The restaurant table goes to the person who requested it first.” Her “radical proposal” is a hierarchy of personal qualities, rather than a hierarchy of job titles and money. She insists there must be democratic etiquette. Otherwise, “No one will understand the meaning of anyone else’s behavior, and the result will be social chaos and the end of civilization, or about what we have now.” After all, “We are born rude.” And it tries men’s souls