The Rocky Road: A Few Too Many Leaves You Punchy

Dear Answer Man . . .

Have you seen the latest Rocky movie? Can you tell me about it?

To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen a Rocky film since he broke up with Bullwinkle. Actually I’m a little leery of going to a Rocky movie, what with all the recent scientific evidence that absorbing repeated Sylvester Stallone movies can cause progressive brain damage. Some critics say the new movie, “Rocky IV”, is a lot like Rambo. However, I have a friend who saw “Rocky IV” and assures me that compared to “Rambo”, this is much more of an action film.

Those poor Clippers! They’re up to their necks in problems with salary disputes, court disputes and general legal and personnel bungling. At a time like this, a veteran like Nixon is just what they need, don’t you agree?

Yes, I think Richard could really help this club right now.

Do you really think USC Coach Ted Tollner hired spies to snoop around and steal offensive secrets from the Washington Huskies?

I certainly don’t think Tollner was involved. He was busy trying to figure out his own offense. I believe it was all a simple misunderstanding. What I hear happened is that an agent of a foreign government ran into a couple of high school coaches in a hotel bar, slipped the coaches some money and said: “Go spy on Washington.”

When the famed polo player Prince Charles visited America he mentioned that he is campaigning to change King George’s image as a tyrant. The Prince said: “I think slowly but surely people are starting to realize he wasn’t quite such the ogre as they made out, and he wasn’t quite as mad as they made out, either.” Do you think Prince Charles succeeded in improving King George’s image?

Maybe, but I hear Yogi Berra is still steamed.

When Tom Lasorda visited with President Reagan just before Reagan left for the Summit Conference, what did the two great leaders discuss?

In the interests of national security, I can’t give out a lot of details. However, I can tell you that Reagan and Lasorda discussed such manly issues as missile throw weights, what is happening in Afghanistan and what’s happening in human rights.

I went to a recent Laker game and was assaulted with advertising. The scoreboard was all but obscured by ads for cameras and cars and wine. The message board and the PA announcer constantly promoted upcoming Forum events. The game program was an ad catalogue, and even my ticket had an ad on it, as I remember. I understand all this is typical of NBA arenas. Can’t the NBA office do anything about this crass merchandising?

They would, but the entire NBA administration and legal staff is tied up right now trying to prevent Milwaukee Coach Don Nelson from wearing shoes with brand-identifying marking on the side.

Now that Bum Phillips has quit as coach of the New Orleans Saints, who will coach the club the rest of the season?

The interim coach will be the team’s defensive coordinator and Phillips’ son--Bum II.

Is it true that USC is appearing in the Aloha Bowl for a mere $400,000 fee?

Yes, but as Woody Allen said when he was telling about his new job washing windows at the YWCA for $2 an hour--”It’s not not much, but it’s all I can afford.”

Seriously, USC will get only $400,000 for playing in the Econo Bowl, but that doesn’t count the complimentary hula lessons and a halftime luau.

As part of their holiday package, will the Trojan players and coaches also get to ride in one of those outrigger canoes?

Yes, in lieu of an airplane.

I know you like to fire off funny lines, Answer Man, but you’re not as funny as the writer who recently said that William (The Refrigerator) Perry was the first major appliance to score an NFL touchdown. Bet you wish you’d thought of that one, eh?

Not really. It was a cute line, sure, but it was also an erroneous stat, as one of my astute readers pointed out. Mike Calzone of Pico Rivera wrote to remind us all that Fred Dryer once scored a touchdown for the Rams.

Also, let’s not forget that Betty Stove won more than $1 million on the women’s tennis tour.