Off-the-Wall Gifts to Put Under the Tree

You have to go Christmas shopping. You are running out of time. The stores will be crowded soon. The school kids will be on Christmas vacation. They will be milling around the malls, buying “Tina Turner Sings Christmas Songs” albums and standing in line to see “Rocky IV” for the IVth or Vth time.

Buy something unique for your men friends this year. Something expensive. A new car. A gold watch. A football scholarship to Texas Christian. Or buy something lovely for a lady in your life. A beautiful skirt, perhaps. Something Rowdy Roddy Piper might wear.

Go now. Shop till you drop.

Here are some gift suggestions for you, available at unpopular stores everywhere:

--THE KIRK GIBSON CABBAGE PATCH DOLL. Go ahead. Adopt it. Nobody else will.

--WILLIAM PERRY DESIGNER JEANS. Part of Calvin Klein’s new Refriger-Wear collection. Nothing stands between you and your jeans, except a big gob of fat.

--SPEND A BUCK HOBBY HORSES. Made to look just like the Kentucky Derby winner. Be prepared to spend more than other shoppers if you want to have him.

--WHITEY HERZOG HAIRLINE CREATIONS. Wigs designed to give you that Marvel Comics look.

--OFFICIAL NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE GAME. Assault and batteries not included.

--QUISINARTS. Home food processors, endorsed by the Kansas City relief pitcher. Cuts up, slices, dices and serves fat ones to Al Oliver.

--ARNOLD PALMER’S TRACTOR. Maybe if somebody buys it, we won’t have to hear any more about it.

--CURTIS STRONG COLA. Still the favorite of big-league ballplayers. New coke or classic.

--”THE COLOR PURPLE.” Steven Spielberg’s 1985 Laker highlight film.

--HOWARD COSELL FOR AFRICA. The videocassette of his one-man charity benefit concert. Featuring Howard’s hit single: “I Am the World.”

--JAN STEPHENSON 1986 CALENDAR. In which she wears nothing but three tees.

--AIR QUINTIN SNEAKERS. Endorsed by Chicago Bulls’ basketball star Quintin Dailey. Shoes that take you away from your team every couple of months.

--”MY DINNER WITH ANDUJAR.” Beta or VHS. A 90-minute meal with the St. Louis Cardinal pitcher, during which he attacks the waiter.

--DOUG FLUTIE AUTOGRAPHED PHOTOS. Marked down. Marked way down.

--DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS POSTER. Full-color portrait of the people who play harder than the Dallas Cowboys themselves do.

--NEW YORK KNICKERS. From the man who brought you undershirts worn beneath basketball jerseys. Comfortable knickerbockers worn beneath basketball trunks. Play in them. Perspire in them. Be dull in them. Be just like Patrick Ewing himself.

--SINATRA SINGS LASORDA. A two-record collection of his greatest songs, including “It Was a Very Good Year,” “All or Nothing at All,” “My Way,” “Call Me Irresponsible” and “That’s Life.”

--KRONK GYM BOXING EQUIPMENT. Knocked down. Knocked all the way down.

--PETE ROSE COMMEMORATIVE COINS. Immortalizing baseball star Pete Rose’s pursuit of Ty Cobb’s all-time hit record, a record Americans talked and talked about right up until the moment it was broken, and not once since.

--PEACH BOWL SOUVENIR T-SHIRTS. “I Saw Army vs. Illinois.” Thousands still for sale.

--THE MANUTE BOL WORKOUT TAPE. Stretching exercises.

--ROCKY MARCIANO JOCKSTRAPS. Larry Holmes will be happy to carry it home for you.

--”HOW GRICH STOLE CHRISTMAS.” A new Dr. Seuss children’s book about the California Angels infielder.

--RED AUERBACH VICTORY CIGARS. Still fresh. Still unused.

--JOHN McENROE DISPOSABLE RAZORS. Use them. Throw them on the ground. Stomp on them.

--CARL LEWIS OLYMPIC HIGHLIGHT FILM. Watch him once. Pass the second time.

--”THE MICK.” A book by a baseball player who wrote one before he read one.

--MARY LOU RETTON. Not a copy. Not a model. Retton herself. Buy her. Rent her. She will go anywhere, do anything.

--IRV CROSS ON JOURNALISM. An anthology of penetrating interviews and profiles from one of television’s most controversial broadcasters.

--McDONALD’S GIFT COUPONS. Can be exchanged for managing or coaching positions on San Diego Padre baseball team.

--SET OF T.C. CHEN IRONS. Endorsed by the golfer who dominated three-quarters of the U.S. Open. Perfect for chipping the ball twice with a single swing.

--PITTSBURGH PIRATE SEASON TICKETS. Because somebody ought to.

--KLU. From Parker Brothers. Former Chicago White Sox slugger and Cincinnati Reds coach Ted Kluszewski is found in the kitchen, study, conservatory, billiard room, library, hall or ballroom, holding a rope, wrench, knife, revolver, lead pipe or candlestick. You solve the crime.

--FREE TRIP TO THE ROSE BOWL. A special giveaway gift from Arizona State.