MOVIE REVIEW : ‘HAMBURGER’--QUICK! CALL THE USDA

“Hamburger: The Motion Picture” (citywide) raises the possibility of a double bill with 1984’s “Hot Dog: The Motion Picture” (also by this movie’s “creative team”), enhanced with the short subjects “Catsup,” “French Fries” and “Hold the Onions.”

But beware: “Hamburger” is the dregs of “Animal House” and “Police Academy” raked over again, with another passel of daffy, goofy, sex-crazed guys; bosomy, moaning sex-starved girls; screaming nerds; yowling dimwits and howling bullies--this time at the “Hamburger University” of the “Busterburger” empire (a thinly disguised travesty of McDonalds).

For about three minutes, during the catchy title song, you may be deluded into thinking you’ll have a good, empty-headed time. Even the dumb opening--a studly student trying to matriculate at the only institution left him--may not tip you off. Nor may the hero’s “Busterclass”--which includes a nun, a Michael Jackson clone in handcuffs, a female revolutionary from “Guacamole” and worse.

The people who made “Hamburger: The Motion Picture” don’t know how to do it. The script may set a record for misfiring gags and lewd puns .

The direction is worthy of a used-car ad, but only two of the performances--Charles Tyner’s and John Young’s--are even worthy of an old Three Stooges short. In particular, Dick Butkus--funny in his Lite Beer commercials--is prodded to such fits of villainy, you worry that he’ll get a hernia.

A more appropriate title for this enterprise might be “Motion Picture: The Hamburger.” If you stumble into this one, you’ll probably find hotter buns--and zippier dialogue--at the concession stand.