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The Bottom Line on Income-Tax Forms

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OK, I’ve had enough of it. I’ve been a dutiful sheep, counted up the whole of last year, added and subtracted, run through Lines 3 through 79, jumped the gates of railroad retirement and unreported tips, gone through the revolving doors of short-term and long-term gains and losses, run down the interest and itemization tunnels and came out of the tax-form slaughter house completely depreciated in mind and spirit.

How did we let these accountants rule the tax forms? By what authority do they dictate how a year of life should be evaluated? Who has decided for us that everything should be measured in dollars and cents?

Well, I have a tax form for them:

NON-CASH IDEA COMPUTATION VALUE FORMS

Check boxes to find which form is correct for your return. Individuals with ideas applying to art, music, theater, sculpture must file Forms 1049, 1052A, 1016E if professional (see Section 7 for definition) or Forms 2917G, 2918 or 3546F if amateur (except railroad workers). Writers other than novelists must check box for applicable forms and if part-time farmers or fishers also attach Schedules D and E (Form 6125).

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1--If you have written a complete novel enter number of words on Line 12.

2--If you have not finished a novel enter number of words as of Dec. 31 on Line 12b.

3--If you have published a complete novel and it has been published before Dec. 31, 1985, enter under 27c publisher’s name, address, telephone, foreign offices, number of typewriters as of 1985 on Lines 27d through 39. If word processors are used in place of typewriters by publisher enter their makes, original cost and current valuation on Form 1492 attaching substantiating papers. Enter depreciation on Line 41.

4--If you have started a novel but have less than 26,290 words completed, enter number of words on Line 41a.

5--If less than 26,290 words enter total as of Dec. 31 on Line 42b.

6--If 10,000 or less words have been written enter on Line 42c.

7--If above (Lines 12 through 42c) have been produced on typewriter or word processor deduct 26% of amount of numbers of words.

8--If words have been produced using pencil, pen ballpoint, chalk, quill or other implement deduct 8% of number on Line 42.

9--If less than 5,000 words have been produced either by you, your spouse or dependent subtract Line 27 (if using Form 1672) from Line 47 and enter total on Line 58.

10--If you, your spouse or dependent have produced no words but have mused, thought about or fantasized about writing a novel take the difference between Lines 27 and 28 and deduct 28.5%.

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11--If you, your spouse or dependent have not produced a novel, either completed, uncompleted or tentative and have no foreseeable intention of beginning to think about one in 1986 you may submit Short Form 2120SS. This form is applicable only to filers of short stories.

12--List ideas you have profited from in Lines 59 through 64.

13--List ideas you have lost or not acted upon in Lines 64 through 76. Attach all substantiating notes for ideas (profit or loss) to Form 1672d.

14--If you have had no ideas at all during 1985 you must attach blank papers in the amount of ideas you have not had.

YOU ARE REQUIRED TO FILE ALL FORMS. YOUR IDEAS MAY BE AUDITED. YOU MAY BE REQUIRED TO ANSWER WHY YOU HAVE HAD NO IDEAS IN 1985.

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