Whatta Blast

Frankly, we hadn’t given a lot of thought to what might be found in Al Capone’s “vault” when it was bulldozed and blasted open the other night in a highly hyped two-hour television extravaganza broadcast live and direct from the basement of an old Chicago hotel. We didn’t even tune in to watch the $1-million production, which was seen on 181 American stations and has been sold to 14 foreign countries. Instead, we watched the Dodgers blow another game to the Giants. That’s a choice that we’ll long regret, because it cost us the chance to witness one of television’s more stupefying absurdities.

For the “vault,” as everyone must know by now, was not in fact a vault, and it contained nothing. No Stutz Bearcat, no gold bullion, no cacheof booze, no Judge Crater. Yet, so we had been assured, scientific instruments had detected the indisputable existence of a long chamber below the building that “Gangland’s King” had used as his headquarters. Adding to the hoopla, the Internal Revenue Service had put an $800,000 tax lien on whatever of value might be found. Chicago’s medical examiner had staked his own claim to any stiffs discovered on the premises. Lawyers were heard from, arguing that Capone’s heirs deserved their share of the goodies.

When the prime-time demolition work was done, all that stood revealed was a lot of dirt and an empty bottle. No remains of Capone’s Prohibition-era enemies, no discarded wardrobe--a pity, since we read that The Big Guy was partial to suits of lime-green, purple and yellow--no molls, no roscoes, no bathtub gin, not even a ukulele or a hip flask.

The rating surveys say that millions watched while 120 minutes of nothing unfolded. If that’s so, then TV’s arbiters of popular culture almost certainly will take heart and figure out how to go on from here. How about a miniseries, done on location around the world, on “Where Did I Put That Stuff: the Continuing Search for Al Capone’s Treasure”? What say to a bouncy docudrama musical called “Alphonse!”? Or maybe a sitcom, “Scarface Knows Best.” The tie-ins--T-shirts, Hotel Vault Dolls, Big Al Mugs--could be worth millions. What the hell, the public bought it once, there’s no reason that it won’t go for it again. Why dontcha run that one through your Chicago typewriter and see who bolts for cover?