‘I doubt that you’ll see Pat Robertson restore a body part.’ : As plain As the nose On your face

From Sherman Oaks comes big news. Well, sort of.

I wanted to start in an exciting manner because hardly anything comes from Sherman Oaks. Today, however, something has, such as it is.

The atheists are stirring again.

I refer to a $10,000 challenge issued by Atheists United to any religious faith healer who can restore a missing nose.

All the faith healer has to do is find someone without a nose and, by means of song and prayer and a laying on of hands, bring the nose back to where it belongs before a live audience.

A kind of secular special with spiritual overtones. Like the 100th anniversary of the Statue of Liberty.

The nose, as I understand it, must be fully functional when restored, but since the function of the nose is limited anyhow, that ought not to be a big deal.

The challenge also includes other parts of the body, but I chose the nose because of its visual potential.

There is imagery to the nose. Witness Cyrano de Bergerac.

Legs, hands, feet, fingers, toes, ears and eyes, while included, lack majesty.

“We chose restoration of missing body parts,” said Dick James, “because it’s a challenge faith healers can’t fake.”

James is a member of the board of Atheists United.

“I saw evangelist Pat Robertson on television praying to heal someone’s hemorrhoids,” he added. “I’d hate to see proof of that.”

The atheists believe faith healers are flat-out frauds who manage to get by with their mystical magic act because politicians are afraid of taking on “religion,” faith healing falling loosely into that general category.

“Since we’re atheists,” James said, “we have no concern about being anti-God. As far as we’re concerned, there isn’t one.”

I am not an atheist.

I say that with simple clarity because I do not want snarling Southern Baptists throwing themselves at my door. They did once and there are still teeth marks on the cedar.

But I am also not a faith healer. You will not find me arms outstretched, head thrown back and eyes closed praying for good health, even if it’s my own.

Both groups leave a lot to be desired when it comes to credibility.

Atheists do not believe in anything but the pork chops on their plates and faith healers are selling snake oil to keep the pork chops on their plates.

But when it comes to the Sherman Oaks challenge, I go with the atheists. You have to give the devil his due, as mother used to say.

If, indeed, all those Bible-thumping healers really believe they can cure terminal ailments by praying, then restoring a nose can get them 10 big ones.

Just turn up the old reverential razzmatazz, shout a few hallelujahs and watch the new proboscis pop out like corn on a Kansas farm.

But we all know they can’t do it.

They can’t restore a nose, they can’t mend a spinal column, they can’t cure the lame and they can’t bring your loony Uncle Henry back from the brink of dementia.

Faith healing is show biz, not God biz, and if you’re about to give up prescribed medical treatment to be cured by a television evangelist, save your money.

If it’s a star image you’re after, pray to Michael J. Fox. He’s cuter than Pat Robertson and won’t ask you to mail in money.

Beyond the $10,000 challenge, however, I find nothing to cheer about in atheism.

The atheists I have known are gray and pedantic souls who lack the facility to even speculate that there might be more to life than whatever they can cover with catsup and eat.

There is something on the edge of human knowledge, just out of reach, that we are simply not equipped to deal with yet. Call it whatever you want.

Atheists, in denying a god, claim one. Its name is science.

Dick James, by way of mocking the faith healers, said, “They create disrespect for the scientific community.”

Another has proclaimed with smug self-righteousness that it was technology, not candles, that put a man on the moon.

I’m not sure we need faith healers to create a disrespect for science.

The scientific community has done that pretty well on its own. Faith healers didn’t create nuclear warheads, biological weaponry, chemically polluted water and the potential for war in space.

Science did.

Albert Einstein, Edward Teller and Wernher von Braun are no better as a holy trinity than the Other Guys.

“I doubt,” Dick James said to me, “that you’ll see Pat Robertson restore a body part.”

Then we laughed together. The idea of a nose suddenly appearing has comedic appeal. And the atheists do have a point. Science can restore a nose where faith healing can’t.

But maybe we’re all missing the real point here, atheist and non-atheist alike.

We’re forgetting that attempting to define faith is like three blind men trying to describe an elephant.

You can’t explain something you can’t perceive.

That ought to be as plain as the nose on your face.