Might McCallum’s Navy Rival McHale’s Navy?

New this season on NBC!

“Ensign McCallum!”

Starring:

O.J. Simpson as Ens. Napoleon McCallum, USN, the first man ever to do Naval duty and play in the National Football League--at the same time!

Bubba Smith as Highwater, shipmate of Ens. McCallum, who longs to join his buddy on the Los Angeles Raiders--if he can only get liberty from the captain!

Mark Harmon as torpid Pete Torpedo, the lazy and petty lieutenant who is given strict orders by the captain--to keep Ens. McCallum from getting to the big game on time!

Alex Karras as the ship’s captain. Cmdr. Gobb, a wise old salt who has been to every port there is--from Green Bay to Tampa Bay!

Fred Dryer as Albatross Davis, Ens. McCallum’s best pal on the Raiders--and nephew of the team’s owner!

With Fred Williamson as Marcus, Gary Coleman as Lester, and Morgan Fairchild as the beautiful stowaway.

In the season premiere, “Get Me to the Game on Time,” we find Ens. McCallum peeling potatoes and looking at his watch. It is 10 a.m. on Sunday morning, he has to be at the Coliseum by noon--and that freeway traffic is going to be murder!

McCallum: What am I going to do, Highwater? I’ll never get all these peeled in time!

Highwater:What’s the matter--didn’t your coach ever tell you

how to cut and run?

(Canned laughter.)

McCallum: I’m serious, man! If I don’t finish this job, the captain’s going to have my stripes! But if I don’t catch that opening kickoff, the coach is going to have my butt!

Highwater: Looks like you’re gonna catch it either way.

(Canned laughter.)

McCallum: Be a buddy and help me with these potatoes.

Highwater: OK. Pass me the butter and sour cream.

(Lt. Torpedo enters.)

Torpedo: So, if it isn’t Mr. Touchdown.

McCallum: Morning, sir.

Torpedo: I just wanted to see if you were as good with a potato skin as you are with a pigskin.

Highwater: Boy, you’re not only a lieutenant, you’re also a petty officer. In fact, you’re the pettiest officer I’ve ever seen.

Torpedo: That’ll be enough out of both of you! When you’re done with these, Ens. McCallum, I want you to swab the poop deck and batten down the hatches.

(McCallum looks at Highwater. Highwater looks at McCallum. They throw a burlap sack over Torpedo’s head, tie him up and toss him into the pile of potatoes. Highwater kicks the bag. Torpedo issues a high-pitched scream.)

Highwater: Well, he always wanted to hit the high C’s.

(Canned laughter.)

McCallum: Where exactly are the hatches, anyway?

Highwater: Never mind! Let’s get out of here, Napoleon! I’m going with you!

McCallum: Wow. The Navy’s not just a job. It’s an adventure!

(Highwater and McCallum sneak off the ship, dressed in drag. They wear bright red lipstick and mops for wigs.)

McCallum: This’ll never work.

Highwater: You’re probably right. I dressed like this at the induction center and they still let me in the Navy!

(Suddenly, the captain approaches.)

Captain: Morning, ladies.

McCallum and Highwater (in falsetto): Morning, captain.

Captain: And where might you be off to today?

Highwater: The Raider-Bronco game.

(McCallum elbows Highwater in the ribs.)

Captain: Say, you two sure are cute. Won’t you let me take you on a sea cruise?

Highwater: No. We hardly ever go cruising.

(Canned laughter.)

(A taxi screeches into the Coliseum parking lot. McCallum and Highwater jump out. They dash to the locker room, which is empty. McCallum hurriedly starts changing into his Raider uniform.)

McCallum: How much time do I have?

Highwater: Two minutes to kickoff.

McCallum: I’ll never make it! Help me, will you?

Highwater: Whaddaya want from me? I already gave you a two-minute warning.

(Together, they run out of the locker room, nearly hitting Albatross Davis with the door.)

Davis: Hey, where have you been? My uncle’s really ticked off!

McCallum: Yeah? What did he say?

Davis: He said: “I’m really ticked off!”

McCallum: Will he still let me play?

Davis: Don’t worry. My uncle is sympathetic to anybody named Napoleon.

(Canned laughter.)

Highwater: Say, do you think he’d let me play for the Raiders, too?

Davis: I don’t know. Can you throw a football 10 yards?

Highwater: Sure.

Davis: Great. You can play quarterback.

(They run down the runway and right onto the field. The crowd cheers. Over the public-address system, an announcer announces: “Back to accept the kickoff for the Raiders, Ens. Napoleon McCallum, USN!” Teammates slap McCallum on the back.)

Lester: Hi, sailor. Come here often?

Marcus: Hey, you made it to our first game after all! How do you feel?

McCallum: A little nervous, I guess. A little nervous and a little nauseous.

Lester: Say, you don’t get land sick or anything, do you?

(Canned laughter.)

(Back aboard ship, the captain grabs a beer and switches on his TV to watch the football game. When he sees Ens. McCallum return the opening kickoff, he spits his beer in surprise. Especially since McCallum has forgotten to take the mop off his head.)

(McCallum gets tackled and runs to the sideline. He turns to Highwater.)

McCallum: How did I ever get into this situation, anyway?

Highwater: Simple. You got drafted!

(They laugh, just as Morgan Fairchild slips out of an equipment trunk in the locker room.)