Has Commitment to Excellence Come to Such a Sad End?

What’s wrong with this picture?

I’ll save you the time. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with this picture.

This picture signals the beginning of the end of Raider civilization as we know it today.

This picture is an artist’s conception of one of the 100 luxury suites that the Raiders are building around the rim of the Coliseum, to be ready for the 1987 season.

Take a look. How many things are wrong in this picture?

--The men are not wearing tattered, sleeveless T-shirts bearing obscene messages. Neither man is wearing a silly hat. The women do not, as near as we can see, have tattoos. None of the five are handcuffed.

--Two of the people appear to be holding mixed drinks. For a true Raider fan, a mixed drink is beer and whatever the guy next to you has in a brown paper bag, that he has been nice enough to offer you a slug of.

--The two people holding the drinks are not spilling them or throwing them.

--None of the five fans are fistfighting, nor do they appear to be about to start.

--There doesn’t seem to be a lot of cheering within the suite.

--The room has a fern, a bowl of fruit, a sectional couch, a carpet and a painting. Another artist’s sketch, not shown here, shows the suite equipped with a telephone, wet bar and fondue bowl.

And these are Raider fans, watching a Raider game? The end is near, friends.

Look, I don’t condone the violence and rowdyism that have marred Raider games at the Coliseum since Al Davis brought his team to town. The team attracts a small but dangerous core of hoods, psychos and substance abusers who can ruin a good football game for everyone.

But a Raider crowd is also made up of a lot of people whose behavior is more enthusiastic than criminal. Raider fans are loud, flaky and loose. They drive pick-up trucks or cars with lots of primer spots. They picnic on the grass outside the Coliseum, playing loud music and marinading their hibachi hot dogs with cheap beer.

In short, Raider fans are Raider-like. They are oddballs and outcasts, just like the Raiders themselves. It’s always been a package deal--Raider players and Raider fans. The personality of the team always seemed in sync with the personality of the crowd. There was a deep level of mutual understanding.

But wait ‘til next year. The suite people--the 1,200 or so fans who will populate the luxury boxes--will be separated from the real fans by glass, maybe even soundproofed and tinted glass, but they can’t help but have a diluting effect on the crowd spirit. Raider fans gradually will become more polite, upscale, civilized. They might as well be Ram fans.

Look at the picture again. Imagine what the people in the suite are saying.

Man on right: “Why yes, darling, that was Howard Long who successfully tackled the opposing quarterback.”

Woman on right: “Would it be appropriate for me to applaud?”

Man on right: “Better not. Every time someone in here claps, a butler comes running in.”

Woman on left: “It must be frightfully hot out there today. A lot of fans seem to be dropping of heatstroke. Biff, dear, would you please phone the weather bureau and find out exactly how much we’re not suffering?”

Man on left: “Speaking of heat, would anyone like a frankfurter from the warming cabinet? And say, Muffy, how do you like the new painting I’ve had hung? It’s from the secret portfolio of Raider paintings by Andrew Wyeth. I recently purchased the entire lot.”

Woman down front: “This is an incredible experience. If we want to, we can turn up the sound on the TV in order to hear the cheering, we can turn down the air-conditioning to simulate stadium weather conditions, we can even open the drapes and actually see the game and the fans. Why, it’s almost like being here!”

Do the Raiders really need this? I guess so. The suites will go for $50,000 each, per year, and the Raiders will also make a tidy profit catering the suites. There’s a huge markup on fondue, for instance. Al Davis will use the money from the suites to buy a fleet of Brinks trucks to haul the money the Raiders have won from the NFL.

Still, you wonder if Al is making the right move with these luxury boxes, toying with the delicate chemistry of a Raider crowd.

There is an alternative plan that would solve a lot of problems. Build the luxury boxes as planned, but sell them to the Los Angeles Police Department and Coliseum Security, instead of to the rich and snobbish.

The cops would use the luxury suites as jail cells for lawbreakers and deviates rounded up during Raider games. You take a real football fan, especially a typical Raider fan, stick him in a soundproof box with white wine spritzers and fruit bowls and no way to yell obscenities at other fans or players, and you straighten the guy out in a hurry.

The games would become safer to attend, with no loss of Raider crowd personality.

But then, what about the luxury-suite people who have already signed up for the boxes and have already selected their couch fabrics and ferns?

Some other time I’ll tell you about my plan for a fleet of luxury-suite blimps.