For Costly 1-4, Ralph Wilson Gets Toad

For signing quarterback Jim Kelly and paying him a record $8 million, Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson has been named recipient of the first Golden Toad Award, sponsored by International Dull Folks, Unlimited, of Rochester, N.Y.

The award pays homage to “acts of supreme denseness perpetrated by public figures,” said J.D. (Dull) Stewart, chairman of the bored.

“Whereas Jim Kelly has led the Buffalo Bills to a dynamic 1-4 record thus far, and whereas Kelly has also turned out to be the NFL’s premier crybaby, and whereas you have made a mockery out of salary and quality standards for all of professional football,” were just a few of the things Wilson was “honored” for in the citation.

Stewart said the award is named after a toad because it’s clumsier than a frog, can’t jump as far and usually can be found “hiding during the day in dark, damp places and crawling about at night in search of grubs, slugs, worms and other toadish delicacies.”

It seemed like a harmless question, but it brought a fiery response from Washington State Coach Jim Walden in a conference call with reporters at USC Coach Ted Tollner’s weekly press conference.

Steve Grimley of the Orange County Register asked Walden if Washington State’s recent low home attendance figures would affect the so-called home-field advantage for Saturday’s game against USC at Pullman, Wash.

“We draw 25,000 out of a 7,000 population, and USC has 51,000 out of 10 million, so take your sarcasm and stick it,” Walden said. “There will be enough people there that they (USC) can’t snap the ball when I don’t want them to.”

Trivia Time: What NFL quarterback has started the most consecutive games? (Answer below.)

And-that’s-the-way-it-is Dept.: Said Betsy Cronkite, wife of yacht enthusiast Walter, when Sports Illustrated told her of his wish to die on a 60-foot yacht with a 16-year-old mistress at his side: “He’s more likely to die on a 16-foot yacht with a 60-year-old mistress.”

Would-you-believe-it Dept.: Don Mattingly of the New York Yankees, with 238 hits and 53 doubles this season, now holds more club hitting records than Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Roger Maris or Mickey Mantle.

Gehrig holds the one-season record for runs batted in (184), DiMaggio for hitting streak (56 games) and Maris for homers (61). Mantle holds none.

Mattingly is topped only by Babe Ruth, who holds the records for batting average (.393), slugging percentage (.847) and runs scored (177).

Add Mattingly: He has better numbers than Jim Rice in all departments, but Boston fans claim their man is more deserving of the Most Valuable Player award because his team won the AL East.

If so, ask them if they’re willing to give back Rice’s MVP award in 1978? That year, the Red Sox finished second to the Yankees.

“The dreaded hyphen strikes again,” said Track & Field News, disclosing that heptathlon record-holder Jackie Joyner and husband-coach Bob Kersee have agreed that she will remain Jackie Joyner on the track and otherwise be known as Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

Said the magazine: “We’re just glad Gale Zaphiropoulos didn’t follow through on her threat to hyphenate when she married Bishop Dolegiewicz.”

Trivia Answer: Neil Lomax of the St. Louis Cardinals, with 48 straight starts.

Quotebook

Former college basketball coach Jim McGregor, now coaching in the Italian League, on the advantages of coaching overseas: “If you see an NCAA investigator, you know he’s on vacation.”