After So Much Travel, Mind Seems to Wander

Bill Bain admits that he talks funny. Maybe it’s all the hits on the helmet. Maybe it’s all the travel.

Bain, 34, former All-American at USC and All-Pro with the Rams, has been signed by the New England Patriots to reinforce their battered offensive line. He comes off sounding like another former Trojan who worked in Boston, Bill (Spaceman) Lee.

“If a nuclear war happens, just buy all your beer in cans because radiation can’t go through cans,” Bain says. “You look at the ingredients, hops, barley, water, all the staples of life. So you get drunk and die.”

Huh?

“After 21 years in the business,” he says, excusing himself, “I’ve got drain bramage.” He meant brain damage.

In college, Bain started out at Colorado, then switched to USC after a stint at San Diego City College. In the pros, he was with Green Bay, Denver, New York Giants and Washington before joining the Rams. This year, he had tryouts with Seattle and Kansas City and played four games for the New York Jets before being released. Now he hopes to help a New England running attack that netted two yards last Sunday at New Orleans.

“My only regret is that I didn’t join the frequent flyer program,” he says.

Wait a Minute: Said a prominent LSU alumnus when assistant coach Mike Archer was recommended as the new football coach: “How can we entrust a big-time football program to a 33-year-old assistant coach with no head coaching experience?”

Knute Rockne became a head coach at 30. Bud Wilkinson was 31. Bear Bryant was 32.

Rockne once said: “Most men, when they think they are thinking, are merely re-arranging their prejudices.”

Trivia Time: How did former All-Pro tackle Frank Varrichione of the Rams get the nickname Faintin’ Frank? (Answer below.)

Said Cincinnati Bengals tackle Anthony Munoz, when asked about the helmet-throwing tantrums of quarterback Boomer Esiason: “That’s why you keep your helmet on when you’re on the sidelines. You learn to drink with a straw through your face mask.”

No, the comeback from 37-20 in the fourth quarter to beat USC, 38-37, wasn’t the biggest rally ever by Notre Dame.

In the 1979 Cotton Bowl, Notre Dame trailed Houston by 22 points, 34-12, midway in the final quarter. Behind Joe Montana, the Irish pulled it out, 35-34, on Montana’s touchdown pass to Kris Haines as the gun went off.

The winning drive was set up when Houston failed to make it on fourth and one from its own 28-yard line.

Former Raider linebacker Brad Van Pelt, now with the Cleveland Browns, told the Akron Beacon Journal he still can’t understand why the Raiders didn’t activate Jim Plunkett for last year’s playoffs.

“I really can’t say enough about his leadership ability and his belief in himself,” Van Pelt said. “We just had that feeling Jim Plunkett was going to do it when he came in.”

Trivia Answer: He was one of three Notre Dame players who faked injuries against Iowa in 1953 to stop the clock just before halftime and the end of the game. The injury timeouts gave Ralph Guglielmi time to throw the passes that tied the Hawkeyes, 14-14, preserving an unbeaten season for the Irish.

Quotebook

Oklahoma City basketball Coach Abe Lemons, on team rules: “If I make a set of rules, then a guy goes out and steals an airplane. He comes back and says, ‘It wasn’t on the list of rules.’ ”