Some Gifts Are Truly Better to Give Than Receive

When Diane Thomas opened the Christmas present her husband had given her, she said she knew that not only the honeymoon--but the entire marriage--was over. He had given her a high-domed covered electric skillet.

“I wanted something pretty and useless. In the past he had given me lovely jewelry and furs. You could tell the relationship had changed,” said Thomas, an information officer from Huntington Beach, who was indeed divorced the following year.

What is there to say at such a moment of truth?

“I said, ‘Oh. It’s a skillet.’ ”

Good presents, say etiquette experts, come from the heart. They are not perfunctory. They carry no strings. They confirm the recipient’s secret self-perception.

But real presents are different. Every holiday season, ribbons, bows and wrapping paper are ripped off to reveal the thoughtless, the bad and the ugly. Worse yet, the giver is usually watching.

“From greediest childhood, we build up so many expectations about presents that the chances of being let down are statistically higher than those of feeling unworthy of the bounty showered upon us,” writes Judith Martin, also known as the syndicated columnist Miss Manners, in her book “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.”

In fact, so many people receive disappointing presents that post-holiday parties to exchange awful gifts have recently sprung up. “Usually (the worst presents) came from office parties. We found a lot of coffee mugs with strange sayings on them like ‘World’s Greatest Golfer’ or ‘Boss,’ ” said Ed Portmann of Irvine, owner of Portmann Communications, who gave a gift exchange party a few years ago. “There was no shortage of bad gifts..

“They were along the lines of a hideous plaster of Paris animal. There was a Buddha, green and gold, with a clock in the stomach. It was dropped as it left the house.”

It was an honest accident, he said, “but nobody cried.”

Buena Park Deer Farm

In the exchange, Portmann said he received four tickets to the Buena Park Japanese Deer Farm. It had been closed for three years.

Topping the bad holiday gift list of other recipients, who demanded anonymity, were a Ritz cracker shellacked and made into a tie clip, some bedroom slippers in the form of tomatoes and green beans, a half-sewn dress, a single lime-green bath towel and a jar of Planter’s peanuts.

Diabetics have received dessert cookbooks; problem gamblers have received a trip to Las Vegas; a couple moving to Arizona were given raincoats. Some women have been given lingerie that is too intimate, too bizarre or too small.

The worst gifts are those that “make the other person feel obligated,” said Annie Bower, VIP gift consultant for Amen Wardy, a Newport Beach women’s apparel store where prices range from $125 for perfume to $50,000 for a fur.

Expensive Sculpture

Once, she said, her godfather gave her an expensive sculpture of the angel Gabriel for Christmas. His extravagance made her uncomfortable since she was unable to reciprocate, she said. “I started to say something, but he said, ‘Don’t say a word. The greatest gift you can give me is to enjoy what I’ve given you.’ He was right.”

It’s OK for givers and recipients to be out of sync, she said. “You do what you can when you can. So will they. If you measure it by money, you’re lost.”

Nearly everyone can recall his or her worst present.

Tracy Strevey, 84, of Laguna Hills remembers a grim Christmas 76 or 77 years ago in the small town of Chelan, Wash., where his father was the Methodist minister. “Small town churches used to have a Sunday School program with a Christmas tree all lighted up with presents underneath. Santa Claus would be there,” said Strevey, a historian and former vice president for academic affairs at University of Southern California.

Package of Dried Figs

“The tragedy was, on this occasion one little boy didn’t get a present, so my mother quickly changed the present that was to come to me and gave it to him.”

Strevey got a package of dried figs. “I spent a long time trying to forgive somebody for that. . . .”

On the other hand, Rod Soderling, a Newport Beach developer, knows exactly whom to blame for his worst present. And he can’t wait to get even.

It was Christmas two years ago, after the scandalous collapse of J. David & Co. and the alleged bilking of $82 million from wealthy Southern California investors. Soderling--along with hundreds of others--had apparently lost enough money to experience what he called “a certain amount of humiliation and pain.” Trying to outrun bankruptcy proceedings, J. David (Jerry) Dominelli sold his Rolls-Royce to Soderling’s friend Bob Lintz, then owner of Sterling Motors in Newport Beach, Soderling said. (Dominelli pleaded guilty to four counts of fraud and tax evasion related to events following the bankruptcy and is now serving a 20-year prison sentence.)

Lintz gave Soderling the Rolls’ license plate, which reads “J D Co 1.” The plate now hangs on his office wall as a reminder, he said, “of my astute investments.”

Toothpicks to POW

The sweepstakes winner in the most useless, tasteless and inappropriate gift category has to belong to the person who sent toothpicks to a hungry prisoner of war. The toothpicks arrived in a 1944 Christmas package for his roommate in a German POW camp, said Robert Peterson, 66, Orange County Superintendent of Schools. “The family thought they would do something nice for him. When folks don’t know what the situation is like, they miss the mark some.”

But some people are able to bring holiday joy into others’ lives by consistently providing them with predictably tasteless presents.

“I have a relative who has the worst taste in the world,” said Bonnie Graves, a retired sales person from Newport Beach. “One time, she gave me a painting on velvet that she did herself.” Another year, it was a necklace made out of “monkey pod wood or some wood indigenous to the state where this woman lived. It was carved beads. You could see where they were glued on the strand.”

The whole family now looks forward to getting the relative’s presents in the mail. “It adds a little mirth to the holidays.”

Gaudy Earrings

Graves said she also received some gaudy wooden angel fish earrings from her husband on their first anniversary. Out loud, she said: “Oh, well, these are unusual.” Inside, she thought: “He can’t be serious.” In fact, he wasn’t. Underneath, he had hidden diamond earrings.

Ironically, however, she decided she liked the angel fish earrings and wears them in the summer, she said.

The appropriate reaction to having received a bad present is the time-honored tradition of holiday hypocrisy, the experts say. “You should accept it graciously in the spirit in which it was given no matter what it is,” said gift consultant Bower. Honest reactions should be squelched in favor of “How thoughtful!” “How sweet!” or “That’s just lovely!” she said.

However, those who want somehow to convey that a more thoughtful present would be better appreciated should employ “constrained delight,” according to Miss Manners. Constrained delight takes the form of “a wide smile made with closed lips and accompanied by a bright-eyed but sober look.” The proper accompanying words are “Why, how nice!” she said.

Love People More

Children should also be taught to look surprised and pleased at whatever they receive, she said. “They must treat the giver as if what pleases them most about the present is the thoughtfulness of the giver because, however much they love things, they love people more.

“This is a difficult order for a small child, and no less important because it is not true. If they learn to behave as if it is, the better sentiment will gradually merge with the basic lust for possessions and make finer persons.”

Still, many who are struck speechless by disappointment, like Thomas, simply stick to the facts. Gloria Zigner, who owns her own Newport Beach public relations firm, also knew the present her husband of 20 years had given her for Hanukkah represented a watershed for their marriage.

She opened the box, looked in and saw a flannel nightgown. Inside, she knew that was the end, and indeed they went on to divorce. Out loud, she said, “Now, that’s a nightgown!”

Then, she took it back and exchanged it for a sexy one.