It’s OK to Say No! A...

Despite the fact that cases of sexual abuse and abduction of children have increased in the last several years, we continue to rear our children with mixed messages: Be sexy but not sexual; show off your best, but don’t let anyone touch what you’ve got; learn how to promote and sell yourself, but only to the highest bidder. Sex itself is made to seem exciting, mysterious, sinful and--now with AIDS--deadly. In contrast, true love is pristine, open, innocent and eternal. There is a great deal of talk about enlightening children concerning the dangers of sex while the daily causes of sexual repression, deprivation and perversion--including the making of children into commercial sex objects--are ignored or even condoned. We are left with the problem of how to protect children from ourselves and, simultaneously, how to gain their trust so we can help them lead independent and meaningful sexual lives.

It will never be easy to resolve the mixed messages and contradictions that we create for children, but at least there are now various books that give candid advice to children about how they can protect themselves against sexual molesters. These books raise significant questions and offer feasible models of action for coping with problems that make growing up in America a fearful prospect.

Perhaps the best-known of the new publications is the series of “It’s OK to Say No Books” consisting of a parent/child manual and four illustrated books in color depicting dangerous situations that children may be likely to encounter. The primary goal of these books is “not to scare but rather to educate.” Written by Robin Lenett with Bob Crane, the series is sober, sensible and informative. It explains who the sexual molesters are, what makes it difficult for children to deal with instances of sexual abuse, how to protect children and how dangerous situations can be overcome. The four illustrated companion books written by Amy C. Bahr are basically elaborations of the manual, and though the scenes, such as a stranger offering a child a ride or a store owner giving a gift, are set up in an instructive way so that the young reader can learn what to do, they are also rather bland. It is doubtful whether a child between the ages of 4 and 7, the target audience, would be stimulated to read the books alone or even be interested in learning the lessons with an adult’s help.

In contrast, there is never a dull moment in Jan Hindman’s “A Very Touching Book,” which treats the subject of sexual abuse in a delightful but serious manner so that children can learn about their bodies and how to enjoy and protect them. Hindman, who works as a therapist, makes careful distinctions between three kinds of touching: Good touching is designated as tenderness; bad touching is aggression, and secret touching is contact between an adult and a child that causes confusion because the adult insists on secrecy and gives the child no choice in the matter. Only through openness about sexual matters, Hindman insists, can children become aware of the parts of their bodies without shame and make choices about sexual intimacy. Hindman’s sparkling narrative and Tom Novak’s highly original illustrations are attuned to a young child’s sensibility, and they demonstrate through a series of inventive games how children can discover the meaning of good touching and how to trust their own intuitions and feelings.

Whereas Hindman’s book is directed toward children between the ages of 4 and 7, Oralee Wachter, already well known for her book “No More Secrets for Me,” has written four short stories in “Close to Home” that address youngsters between the ages of 8 and 13. Each story deals with a common situation that could suddenly be transformed into a dangerous situation, such as spending time with a boyfriend in a car while baby-sitting, or taking a shortcut through a desolate area that appears harmless. By far the most significant narrative is the title story “Close to Home.” Here a divorced father picks up his children after school to take them on a plane trip to Disney World in Florida. It is an unscheduled trip, and the children are uneasy because their mother does not know about it. They want to call her to make sure she knows, but their father constantly resists their requests. Finally, their persistence makes him yield, and he returns them to their mother, who explains to them how their father had been acting against her will and the common interests. Here the delicate issue of trust between children and their own parents is treated in a manner that can help young readers grasp the difference between authoritarian and authoritative behavior of adults.

All of the books under review are certainly admirable in the way they tend to confront authoritarianism and clarify the fear and anxiety with which children must live in our society. Yet, the very fact that such books are necessary is also a sad commentary about American society and our incapacity to create an environment in which children can explore their bodies and potential without fear of being kidnaped, molested or exploited. It is also questionable whether these books, which intend to enlighten children about sex and sexual abuse in such a direct manner, can attain their desired effect since children do not always respond as calculated to such texts and often prefer more symbolic stories when sensitive issues are treated. Yet, despite misgivings, these books can be used in school and family settings as effective antidotes to the mixed messages that confuse our children about sex and sexual abuse, for they are clear about how children’s rights can and must be protected. Most of all, they can help young and adult readers alike recognize that there is no such thing as a hopeless or helpless situation when the danger of sexual abuse arises.