Greg Smith says he has had only...

Greg Smith says he has had only one complaint so far about the tastefulness--or lack of it--in his newly inaugurated Grave Line Tours, which takes the morbidly curious in a converted hearse to the scenes of assorted Hollywood suicides, murders and scandals.

“That was from a competition sightseeing line,” he says. “They wanted to have me arrested.”

Included on the 2 1/2-hour trip, which costs $25, are such stops as the carport where actor Sal Mineo was murdered, the building where Marilyn Monroe posed for her famous nude calendar, the Chateau Marmont, where John Belushi died of an overdose, numerous graves of actors and--in Smith’s words--the place “where Clara Bow took on the USC football team.”

In the first week of business, the 27-year-old Smith says, most of his customers have been foreigners--primarily English and a few Scots. “The British have a really good sense of humor,” he surmises.

Currently, his tours leave twice a day from near the Chinese Theatre, but Smith plans to add a third trip when business livens up.

Each “mourner” receives a complimentary calla lily.

For more than five years, a British Union Jack has adorned a window of the Vietnam Veterans Outreach Center at 18924 Roscoe Blvd. in Northridge.

Although the center in that time has been visited by about 3,000 vets, director Roger Melton says no one has ever commented on the 4-foot-by-5-foot flag.

It was put up, Melton explains, by counselor Rodney Dalton, whose folks came from England. Dalton uses it to keep out the sun.

Hollywood real estate investment man Willard Michlin says he is “fuming” because a duplex he owned at 5911 Benner Ave. in Highland Park has vanished. What happened, he explains, is this:

He ran an ad offering to sell the single-story structure for $7,000 to anyone who would haul it away. Someone called, wanting to remove it for nothing. Michlin says he promised to consider the deal, but asked for the required demolition permit, a $1,000 deposit and a contract.

“I never heard from the guy again,” Michlin says. “I thought he wasn’t interested.”

In the meantime, his Kismet Real Estate Investments office got an offer of $5,000 from a second man. But Michlin discovered that the duplex was already up on jacks. He found a workman on the lot and got the name and number of the boss, an Altadena house mover that Michlin presumes to be the first caller. Michlin tried to phone him, leaving testy messages that were never returned.

The house disappeared.

Police referred him to the city attorney, who referred him to the district attorney. All told him that it’s a civil matter and not a crime.

It was an equal-opportunity beauty pageant.

The only male among six contestants won a dog food company’s Small Dog Debut competition at the Beverly Wilshire. Max, a miniature schnauzer that can jump through a hoop and catch Frisbees, is owned by Sharon Kihara of Los Angeles.

Bert Parks showed up to emcee, as advertised.

Next stop is the national finals. In Atlantic City.

“Whereas verbal threats, encouragements, cajoling, reprimanding, pleading and threats have failed,” Los Angeles City Council President John Ferraro notified the stragglers who make up that body, “an unprecedented and innovative approach will be implemented to reach a council quorum precisely at 10 a.m.”

Ferraro’s solution: Coffee, doughnuts, orange juice and bran muffins, served to those members who get to the chamber before 10.

On Tuesday--first day of the offer--there was a quorum by 10. The scheme was a little less effective on Wednesday, but the gavel still came down at 10:15. There was no meeting on Thursday. And no doughnuts.