They Have Given a New Purpose to the Postgame Gala

The straight stuff, from the first lady of sport, the queen of logic and knowledge, the Babe Ruth of bimbos . . .

Dear Crabby: Do you think the World Series celebration was over-commercialized?

It burns me up that you would even suggest such a thing. The postgame victory celebration is spontaneous and free from commercial taint.

OK, so maybe Frank Viola, in the midst of the tumult, turned to a TV camera and delivered a prearranged plug for Disneyland. And maybe both managers had already signed a contract with Pepto-Bismol--losing manager wins the endorsement--to be photographed after the last out.

And so what if each Twin player was handed a special souvenir championship hat to wear in the clubhouse, creating a huge public demand for the caps. And maybe someone did dump a clearly marked tub of Gatorade, the shampoo of champions, onto the celebrators at home plate.

And it’s true that a very nice young big shot from Chevrolet presented Frank (Magic Kingdom) Viola with the Chevrolet MVP Award on national TV (luckily for the Chevy people, the best player was not Cardinal outfielder Curt Ford).

If all these players cared about was commercial plugs, would Steve Lombardozzi blow a potentially sweet endorsement deal with Hostess by saying, “We are no longer the Twinkies!”?

Stop being so cynical.

I’m sick of seeing crucial football games decided by puny field goal kickers. Can anything be done to de-emphasize the field goal?

What, you mean something sensible and simple and brilliant, like moving the goal posts closer together, thereby cutting way back on the number of field goal attempts and thus returning the game to the real players?

Don’t be stupid.

I see the Yankees are trying to break their lease at Yankee Stadium, and possibly move to a new stadium in the New Jersey Meadowlands. Wouldn’t that be nice, leaving a bad neighborhood and rickety ballpark, and getting a fresh start in a new ballpark?

Lovely. My goodness, why would the Yankees want to stay in Yankee Stadium? It’s not as if the place has tradition or memories or charm or anything. The Meadowlands is virgin territory, with plenty of fragrant toxic-dump sites just waiting for a stadium.

Why not forget Bronx Bombers and call ‘em the Meadow Muckers? Why wallow in the past when you can wallow in the present?

But those are questions, and I’m supposed to be giving answers here, aren’t I?

Is baseball a physically demanding sport?

You tell me. You know what Kent Hrbek did the morning of Game 7? Went duck hunting! You know--wading through marshes, crawling through underbrush, toting heavy equipment. On the morning of the biggest game of his life!

Would Mike Tyson do that? Would Larry Bird do that? Would Eric Dickerson do that? OK, Dickerson, maybe.

And did you see Juan Berenguer? This, I’m guessing, is not Olympic decathlon material. The reason they don’t let Juan hit is that when he’s on-deck he eats all the lead batting doughnuts.

Wasn’t it nice that the Minnesota fans didn’t storm the field or riot in the Twin Cities after their Twins won?

Marvelous, if you admire wimpiness. Macho New York fans would have lovingly dismantled the ballpark for souvenirs. Boston or Detroit fans would have burned it down as a gesture of appreciation to the ballclub.

The Metrodome cops didn’t even need the traditional Uzis or trained timber wolves to keep the fans off the field. They simply put out the word that any trespassers would be sentenced to a haircut from Whitey Herzog’s barber.

Why was Yankee pitcher Dave Righetti so eager to become a free agent, filing six minutes after the Monday midnight starting time?

Gee, I can’t imagine. Maybe Dave (I’m Gonna Wait Till the Midnight Hour) Righetti is allergic to toxic waste. Maybe he’s allergic to Boy George Steinbrenner.

This is just a wild guess, but maybe Righetti doesn’t enjoy working for a man who constantly belittles and berates his players, jerks them around like yo-yos, fires his managers weekly and treats people like cockroaches.

You know how those prima donna ballplayers are.

What happened to the Raiders last Sunday?

Just a slight misunderstanding. Instead of setting their clocks back an hour, the Raiders thought they were supposed to set their franchise back 20 years.