OK, Losers, Here’s a Winner Who May Be Letter Perfect

All right, mister, enough’s enough. Gene Murphy, you’re out of here. Gone. History.

Disregard the 6-6 season. Patton couldn’t have beaten Louisiana State and Florida on the road. San Jose State at San Jose wasn’t much fun, either, was it?

So you’re forgiven. Now please leave.

It’s not that you don’t belong in the coaching business; you just don’t belong here. You’re good. Fullerton, for all its good intentions, is not.

Thanks for the memories. But if you turn down one more job offer, we’ll be forced to remind you of Fullerton’s smallish athletic department budget, of Santa Ana Stadium, of having to depend on guarantees and routs from big-time programs just to survive. We’ll tell everyone about those athletic directors at Utah and Oregon State who wanted you for their programs after the 1984 season. But you declined.

No more. I’ve taken it upon myself to write a few letters of introduction for you. Hope you don’t mind. They’re already in the mail.

To Columbia (0-10):

Dear Gentlemen,

I believe it was Voltaire who once wrote “that man was not born to an easy life.” You should know.

How many consecutive losses is it now? Seventy? Eighty? I wouldn’t know, simply because I’ve been a bit busy reading the collected works of Rene Descartes (“I am, therefore I lose.”). Stunning work.

Nonetheless, I think I can be of some assistance. First, we dispose of the powder-blue uniforms. Second, we quit losing to colors, such as Brown. Third, we remember that academics, not athletics, come first at Columbia. It is, after all, an Ivy League institution steeped in higher learning. Fourth, disregard third if we should start winning. Then I want to start sticking it to the Bucknells, Cornells, Penns and Penncils of the world, as well as every network camera crew that ever did the obligatory “Pitiful Columbia” video piece.

Are you with me?

You have my number.

Good day,

Mr. Gene Murphy

To Mississippi (3-8) and Mississippi State (4-7):

Afternoon, fellas,

Seems to me that y’all have a problem on your hands that needs, shall we say, some adjustin’. If I didn’t know better, I’d say two stink bombs were planted in your programs and refuse to be extinguished.

Maybe you need me.

I am a Yankee, mind you. Born in Jersey City, N.J., to be exact. But if you must know, I’ve seen “Gone With the Wind” many times and rooted for our heroic Confederate Army each showing. Truth is, my best friends call me Rhett.

Saw where that Southern Mississippi head coach, the one that just resigned, called you “big-time losers.” That had to make your black-eyed peas boil.

Hire me--either one of y’all--and I guarantee results.

I’m in the book. Y’all call now, y’hear?

Bye,

G. Murphy.

To Oregon State (2-9):

Dear Sirs,

I goofed, really. I love Corvallis. I love rain. My favorite hobby is collecting umbrellas.

I love the Pacific 10. It’s my favorite conference. And I’m pretty sure I could come up with a defense that allows less than the 39-point average your fine bunch of student athletes allowed this season.

Not that I’m criticizing. To the contrary. It was the best crummy defense I’ve ever seen. And I mean that in a nice way.

I mean, you got me. I should have taken the job when I had the chance. But noooo. I had to think that stinking Missouri program might actually call with a job offer. I spit on Missouri.

In closing, I would just like to say, please, please, please, please, please, please, please . . .

Fondly,

Gene M.

P.S.--You remember me, don’t you?

To Kansas State (0-10-1) and Kansas (1-9-1):

Guys,

Now I know why they call Kansas the Breadbasket of America; everyone gets fat on you. Talk about a kitty litter pair of programs.

You got stadiums, don’t you? You got dorms. And training tables. And a decent conference. And boosters. And money. I don’t, and I’ve managed to win more games this season than you two combined.

Here’s my idea: You both hire me. Think of the tax breaks. The cost efficiency. I simply shuttle from Manhattan to Lawrence every other day.

Now, about that annual game between Kansas and K-State. Easy. We tie, just like you did this season. I understand that’s as good as a victory in these parts.

Anyway, I’m available. Enclosed is my card.

You’ll be sorry if you don’t . . .

Gene Murphy

To New Mexico (0-10) and New Mexico State (0-10):

Dear Stink Twins,

First of all, let me begin by thanking my friends at New Mexico State for our wonderful 48-14 victory earlier this season. It was our third consecutive victory and, well, it helped. A lot. So again, thanks for living up to your reputation as bow-wows.

As for New Mexico, one question: If you don’t hire me, will you at least schedule a game against Fullerton soon? We could use the victory.

But seriously, you both need help. I’m your man. I can coach. I can win. And almost all my living room furniture is in Southwest style. I have a couch with a smart Adobe blue pattern. . . . Well, I think you’d like it.

Don’t hesitate to call. First school that interviews me gets dibs.

Waiting,

Gene Murphy.

So many more letters to write. There are Louisville (3-7-1), Arizona (4-4-2), Ball State (4-7), Dartmouth (2-8), Colorado State (1-10), Georgia Tech (2-9), Northwestern (2-8-1), North Carolina State (4-7), Virginia Tech (2-9) . . .

Someone just has to want Gene Murphy. And if they do, we’re taking it. You see, I also do acceptance phone calls.