Ending the War Between the Sexes

How would you react if someone challenged, on almost every major point, the way you have been running your life with the opposite sex, declaring that the contemporary life you have painstakingly built for yourself will never get you what you really want?

Conversely, how would you feel if that same person told you that the means to satisfy your fondest desires were right under your nose all along?

Consider, then, what syndicated radio psychologist Toni Grant of Los Angeles has to say to contemporary women in her recently released book, “Being a Woman” (Random House):

“Today’s woman only seems independent; emotionally, she often emerges as more needy, insecure, lonely and desperate than her mother and grandmother before her. Refusing to nurture men, she in turn has not been nurtured by them; refusing to be tender with men, she has not been tenderly treated by them. Her aggressive independence has given men nothing to protect, so she has not been protected. Behind the Amazon armor often lives a terrified woman less sure of her place in the world than ever before.

” . . . Women today are desperate to be with men but do not know how to relate to them so as to inspire their protection, their devotion, their love and their care. . . . I strongly believe that it is the failure of modern woman to effectively utilize the unique power of her femininity--a power which is easily within her reach--that results in so many disastrous and loveless relationships.”

These writings may not win Grant a place of honor in the radical feminist pantheon but, she says, they already have won many hearts and minds of frustrated ‘80s women whose success in business hasn’t been matched by success in love.

After researching psychological theories on masculinity and femininity--principally, she says, the writings of Carl Jung--Grant came to the conclusion that the battle of the sexes was a conflict no one could win and that women could be the most effective peacemakers.

The book was written, she says, “for the evolved woman, the sexually liberated woman, the career woman who is evolved in her professional life but who is having difficulty finding love. So many women have been finding that the masculine attitude that is very effective in the professional world doesn’t work in the personal world.”

She minces no words in describing the effects of that attitude.

“Today’s woman is an imitation man,” she writes, “at war with actual men, confused and unsettled by it. . . . All human beings have dependency needs, but modern woman has been loath to project her need of a man in any way. This failure of modern woman to own and acknowledge the passive-dependent aspect of her personality has resulted in serious dysfunction and alienation between the sexes.”

Grant describes what she calls the Big Lies of Liberation as the culprits in muddying the waters of more natural feminine behavior. Among the “lies” are such assertions that men and women are substantially the same in their psychological and sexual behavior, that to be feminine is to be weak, that women enjoy the feminization of men and that women’s desirability in men’s eyes is enhanced by their accomplishments.

None of this, she says, is true. Real attractiveness, she writes, lies in a woman’s “uniquely feminine attitude, a particular way of being a woman. But the modern woman has denounced and suppressed this way of being in the world and now needs to be encouraged to embrace her lost femininity. . . . This shift in consciousness can be a frightening and difficult one for the woman of today, for she has become . . . out of touch with her softer nature.”

Turning around King Arthur’s advice in Lerner and Lowe’s “Camelot,” Grant says that the way to handle a man is, simply, to love him.

“If you come at a man with a sword, or throw a net over him, he’ll run,” says Grant. “Men must be inspired. You cannot make a man do anything. That’s the bottom line.”

But, she says, you can exercise what she calls the innate power of four distinct facets of a woman’s psyche: the Mother, the Madonna, the Courtesan and the Amazon. Representing women’s instinctive qualities of nurturing, nobility, sexuality and strength, the four qualities combined in a single personality, says Grant, can be the most powerful tool in a woman’s arsenal in her quest to get what she wants: a good man and a good marriage.

If it is manipulation, she says, it is manipulation “of the most benign nature.”

“Femininity and feminine behaviors are so powerful, they’re irresistible,” Grant says. “Men are actually thrilled to be manipulated by a woman, as long as it’s done with love. If it’s done in a castrating or angry manner, however, it’s a losing game. Masculine power is the power of aggression and dominance. Feminine power is the power of love, and this is a power that modern women have lost. But every woman wants a hero, and every man wants to be viewed as a hero.” However, she says, women often have looked at men of the ‘80s and found them wanting in heroic qualities. And no wonder.

“The feminist movement,” she says, “made almost impossible demands on men. It was suggested that men should be more like women--sensitive, caring, compliant. And yet women--and this is important--never gave up deep in their hearts and souls that what they wanted was for men to be strong, masterful and commanding. The millions of romance novels sold every year depict the man in this fashion, sweeping women off their feet, sometimes literally carrying the woman away. This is a common female fantasy. But, good Lord, what sort of man could live up to all those impossible expectations?

“Many men have tried, but I get many male callers on the air asking why nice guys finish last. These are men who have been seduced into thinking that women want them to be more like them. It’s a sort of Catch-22 when he tries to be nice, understanding and compliant but also finds out that the more masterful and controlling man is the one who succeeds in the world of romance.”

Grant insists that the points espoused in the book are not anti-feminist, although she says she often was taken to task by feminists who were included on panels with her during the tour to publicize her book.

“I don’t want women to give up anything they’ve achieved in the world,” she says. “In fact, I want them to achieve more. I did get a lot of flak from people who said the book was reactionary and that it advocated catering to men. In no way does it suggest that. I’m encouraging women to reclaim their feminine power, to do what is truly natural for them, for the betterment of women and men, too. I’m trying to encourage tender and loving relations between the sexes.”

Her radio audience (she broadcasts her call-in show locally from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Monday through Friday on KFI radio) has been universally enthusiastic about “Being a Woman,” says Grant.

“I’ve had a tremendously positive, forceful reaction from my listeners,” she says. “It’s a resounding, ‘Yes! That feels right!’ Many people have said that it has literally changed their lives. And I’ve heard a lot from men who want to get their wives to read the book. And from single men who say, ‘If only I could find a woman who could respond to me this way.’ ”

Grant, incidentally, took her own advice.

“I’m engaged to be married in June,” she says. “I’ve found my hero.”

Shrinking Violets in the Singles Jungle

Does the idea of approaching an interesting-looking man or woman for the first time turn your mouth to parchment? Does dialing the telephone to arrange that blind date make your palms clammy? Are you left speechless when that attractive person steps up and says, “Hi”? Can you make eye contact with an appealing-looking stranger, or do you look away? In short, are you shy? We would like to know how you handle it. Do you resign yourself to living with shyness around new people or have you found a way to overcome it?

Get Me to the Church

Several of our correspondents have suggested that, in the world of interesting single people, the bars, the clubs, the dating services, the singles’ associations and other traditional meeting grounds are vast wastelands. If you want to meet Mr. or Ms. Right, they say, head for the altar--specifically, to church singles organizations. Have you exchanged margaritas and chips at the local fern bar for bread and wine at your local parish? And have the results turned out to be heaven or purgatory or worse?

And So to Bed--Maybe

How has the era of AIDS affected your dating relationships? How can you be sure you are ready to take the step into sex--and how much of a risk, both emotional and physical, is involved? If you have chosen an extreme course--either celibacy or promiscuity--we would like to hear from you, too.

Send your responses to Single Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include a phone number so that a reporter may contact you. To protect your privacy, Single Life does not publish correspondents’ last names.