Layden Is Always Good for a Laugh

Today’s Morning Briefing has been turned over to Frank Layden, the Utah Jazz coach who has been regaling writers with his stand-up comedy routines. Here are some stories and one-liners from the 300-pound coach whom Mike Downey labeled The Round Mound of Sound:

On his first job out of Niagara University: “I was hired at St. Agnes High School on Long Island. I was jayvee basketball coach, jayvee baseball coach, jayvee football coach, taught five history classes in a day, one remedial math class, had bus duty, and on Tuesday nights I called bingo numbers.

“After the first year, the Mother Superior called me in and said I’d done such a good job they were considering making me full-time.”

On his days as the Niagara coach: “When I took over, my predecessor told me he had left three envelopes in the top right desk, and if things got tough I should open them, one at a time.

“The first year we went 2-25, and I opened the first envelope. It said, ‘Blame me.’ So I told everyone the previous coach had let the program deteriorate.

“The next year wasn’t much better, so I opened the second envelope. It said, ‘Blame the alumni.’ So I told everyone the alumni weren’t helping enough.

“The third year, it didn’t go much better, so I opened the third envelope. It said, ‘Prepare three envelopes.’ ”

On being stopped by the Utah highway patrol: “I said to the officer, ‘What’s the problem? I wasn’t speeding and I didn’t run a light.’

“The cop said, ‘I just thought you might like to know that your wife fell out of the car about three miles back.’

“I said, ‘Gee, thanks, I thought I was going deaf.’ ”

Some one-liners on his weight:

--”It’s tough to be fit as a fiddle when you’re shaped like a cello.”

--”I was standing on a corner wearing a blue suit and a yellow hat and three people pulled over and dropped film in my pocket.”

--”I stepped on a scale that gives fortune cards, and the card read, ‘Come back in 15 minutes. Alone.’ ”

--”Hey, in India they would worship this body.”

More one-liners:

--On how he compares to Pat Riley: “We’re both good-looking and we’re both Irish. The only difference I can see is that he buys his clothes and I find mine.”

--On coaching his 200th NBA victory last year: “Now I’ve only got 738, or whatever, to catch Red Auerbach. So look out, Red.”

--On a player who wasn’t producing: “I asked him, ‘Is it ignorance or apathy?’ The guy looked at me and said, ‘I don’t know and I don’t care.’ ”

--On highlight films he requested on Mark Eaton from UCLA: “What we got was a lot of pictures of him taking off his warm-ups.”

--On winning a divisional title the same year the Cubs won the National League East: “It was the year of the underdog. If World War III had broken out, Norway would have won.”

Last year, after being hospitalized, he said he was relieved when told that he only had pneumonia.

“It reminds me,” he said, “of the guy who went to the doctor with a cold and the doctor told him to go sit on a piece of ice naked in the rain.

“ ‘But Doc,’ the guy said, ‘you’re crazy. I’ll catch pneumonia in the rain.’

“ ‘We can cure pneumonia,’ the Doc said. ‘We just can’t cure your cold.’ ”