A Detroit Victory Just Stands to Reason

Forty reasons why I want the Detroit Pistons to beat the Boston Celtics, or why I think they will:

1. It will be worth it just to hear the excuses the Celtics come up with for losing.

2. The Pistons are even tougher than the Utah Jazz, so a Piston-Laker series should go at least eight or nine games.

3. The sideline fashion show would display the deep closets of coaches Chuck Daly and Pat Riley, a couple of guys compared to whom Calvin Klein is a slob.

4. The thermostat at the Pontiac Silverdome is set at 72 degrees. The thermostat at Boston Garden is set on “HELL.”

5. Nobody in America has faster hands than Magic Johnson or Isiah Thomas.

6. Boston is the home base of Red Auerbach, who smokes smelly cigars. Detroit is the home base of Northwest Airlines, which has banned smoking on all flights. The only thing better would be if Northwest banned Red Auerbach from all flights.

7. Terre Haute, Ind., honoring a hero from nearby French Lick, has opened a Larry Bird Hotel. Should the Pistons beat the Celtics, maybe Palos Verdes would build a Bill Laimbeer Motel.

8. The Silverdome floor is hardly ever covered with fog.

9. When the Pistons take three-point shots, they play fair and stand behind the line.

10. If Kevin McHale makes a shot from behind the line at Boston Garden later this week, they’ll probably give him four points.

11. Larry Bird should stay away from the ocean, since at the moment he couldn’t throw a basketball into one from 15 feet.

12. During the finals, Magic Johnson would get to see his family and some of his friends from college. Remember, Magic did not attend Massachusetts State.

13. Bill Walton could use the extra time off to rest up, so he can be ready in plenty of time for the 1992-93 season.

14. We would get to keep an eye on Rick Mahorn of the Pistons, who is so mean, he’ll probably set a pick on Dancing Barry.

15. Since the Detroit Lions will be the principal tenants of the Silverdome after this, this could be the last chance for any kind of championship in this arena.

16. Bill Laimbeer is the only National Basketball Assn. starting center besides Mark Eaton that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can still outjump. Laimbeer is the only man alive that Andre the Giant can outjump.

17. Chuck Nevitt will get to return to the Forum, the scene of some of his greatest clapping from the bench.

18. Vinnie Johnson, a great shooter, should be fun to watch. His range extends from 15 feet to behind Walter Matthau’s chair.

19. The Silverdome ceiling has plenty of available space for banners and retired numbers. (Architect General’s Warning: Heavy fabric could cause roof to collapse.)

20. Any team whose substitutes include Mark Acres, Fred Roberts and Brad Lohaus should not be playing for the NBA championship. It should be playing for the Continental Basketball Assn. championship.

21. Michigan people are smart. They put Parkay on their toast, not on their floors.

22. Any team that trades Kelly Tripucka for Adrian Dantley deserves a reward.

23. Instead of boring us with more talk about ex-Celtic greats such as Russell, Havlicek, Cousy, Cowens and Jones, the CBS-TV announcers can tell us about ex-Piston greats like . . . uh . . . like . . . uh. . . .

24. For a Laker-Piston series, CBS could use Tommy Heinsohn, who would yell himself hoarse rooting for injuries.

25. Los Angeles will have the moral and oral support of Tom Lasorda, who speaks both English and Spanish. Detroit will have the support of Sparky Anderson, who speaks neither.

26. Detroit also will have the backing of Lee Iacocca, the only man to sell more Chryslers on television than Pat Riley.

27. The Lakers will try to tire out the Pistons by pushing the ball up and down the court, and running the fast break. The Pistons will try to tire out the Lakers by making them travel back and forth from the Silverdome to the Detroit airport.

28. New England has seen all it wants to of Jack Nicholson, from when he came to Eastwick.

29. Inviting Detroit to Los Angeles is the least Los Angeles can do for having hijacked Kirk Gibson.

30. Boston probably will bounce back and take Los Angeles right to the wire next year, unless of course Danny Manning gets injured.

31. Michael Dukakis wants the Celtics to hurry and get back home so they can start planting Belgian endive.

32. We have seen the Celtic bench, and now we know why K.C. Jones wants to retire.

33. Being forced to watch a prime-time Piston-Maverick championship series might be just the thing to convince the television writers to call off their strike.

34. All Pat Riley actually needed to guarantee was that the Lakers would outlast the Celtics. That’s enough to satisfy most L.A. fans.

35. This would make up for that Doug Moe coach-of-the-year thing.

36. Those Larry Bird to the Miami Heat rumors probably would crank up again.

37. Visiting the Pontiac Silverdome instead of Boston Garden is sort of like visiting Maui instead of your mother-in-law’s.

38. We could call off our standing wager as to whether Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or Danny Ainge will be the first one in the NBA finals to actually admit to having fouled somebody.

39. A Piston-Laker playoff game at the Silverdome could be the first pro basketball game to draw a crowd of 60,000 to 80,000. By selling 80,000 tickets, the Pistons could gross almost half as much as the Lakers gross by selling 80 courtside seats.

40. Many articles could be written about the owners of the two teams in the finals, the Lakers’ Jerry Buss and Detroit’s . . . uh . . . Detroit’s . . . uh. . . .