THE NBA CHAMPIONSHIPS : LOS ANGELES LAKERS vs. DETROIT PISTONS : On Paper, Here’s Best Matchup of Series : Motor City Doesn’t Have Magic of L.A.

The two towns, Tinsel and Mo, have about as much in common as Sparky and Loni Anderson, but each is my kind of town, and I refuse to feel guilty about picking the Lakers to beat the Detroit Pistons for the heavyweight basketball championship of the world.

OK, so I said no to Michigan. So I moved to Los Angeles. So what? So did Magic Johnson. He thinks the Lakers are going to win, too.

If this mean little Motor City scooter Mitch Albom of the Detroit Free Press thinks otherwise, well, Willie Hernandez did empty that bucket of water on his head during spring training. There may have been a little seepage.

Oh, I suppose it is possible Detroit could pull this thing off. Stranger things have happened. I once took a Northwest Airlines flight that left on time.

Still, I will have to stick with the Lakers. They are going to win this thing--again. As Aretha Franklin sings, or should, “R-e-p-e-a-t,” even though I know she is saying a little prayer for Detroit.

The Lakers are superior. The Lakers are eerie. The Lakers are everything but Michigan and Huron. They have a bigger center and a bigger backcourt. All the Pistons have is a bigger gym. Out here, we’ve even got a bigger Johnson. Come on, be honest. Which Johnson would you rather have, Earvin (Magic) or Vinnie (Microwave)? Detroit, you have a nice little toaster oven there. We’ve got the whole stove.

Hey, Albom. I know everybody’s all excited back there along the Lincoln Continental Divide. I know everybody’s feeling happy back there in Pontiac and Plymouth and Cadillac and Corvetteville and Pintoburgh and DeLorean Heights and all those other Michigan villages. Well, I can’t blame them. These people have been suffering for 30 years. Most of them have rented the videocassette of Piston highlights from the franchise’s first quarter century. The one called: “Our Life as a Dog.”

Maybe this is your year.

Mitch, you moved to Michigan from South Florida, probably to escape the Miami Heat. You took my job. You took my teams. I tried to get even. I took your Kirk Gibson. I took your Dan Petry. I’d be happy to trade you my hockey team, straight up, Kings for Wings. But, I am keeping my Lakers. My Lakers are champions. Your Pistons are challengers. If the roof caves in on the Lakers, it’ll only be because it snowed again on the Silverdome.

I do like your coach, though. Chuck Daly. He looks as though he ought to be driving a chariot. He has this square Victor Mature jaw and all that wavy hair. All he needs is a toga and sandals. In a past life, I’m pretty sure he was a centurion. He’ll probably point out Kirk Douglas in the seats tonight and say: “Have Spartacus crucified.”

I like your center, too. Bill Laimbeer is more punky than funky. He’s America’s tallest brat. He’s the NBA’s Eddie Haskell. But, he can rebound, and he sure can shoot. If only he could jump. At a Detroit shoe store the other day, I asked for a pair of Air Laimbeers. They brought me a pair of gravity boots. I hear Laimbeer got hurt at practice yesterday. He tripped on an ant.

I also like this Dennis Rodman of yours. He has ears like Clark Gable. At first, I thought he was wearing headphones. The guy plays great defense, though. Sometimes he got so close to Larry Bird, I thought they were dirty dancing. Rodman’s only trouble is that he can’t shoot free throws. When he aims, spectators duck. Somebody asked me whose shot Rodman’s reminds me of. My answer was: “Brian Oldfield’s.”

Frankly, I like all of the Pistons. I like Isiah Thomas, almost as much as Isiah Thomas likes Isiah Thomas. I like Vinnie Johnson, who’s hot, and Joe Dumars, who’s cool, and Rick Mahorn, who’s nice and nasty, and Chuck Nevitt, who doesn’t have a mean bone in his whole skinny 7-foot 5-inch body. Nevitt is a lovely guy who will soon be returning to his summer job at Tiger Stadium as the left-field foul pole.

Mitch, my man, the biggest thing the Pistons have going for them in this series is that dome of theirs. I hear that the attendance for Game 3 will be somewhat larger than 40,000 and somewhat smaller than Woodstock. No Detroit fans will be attending Games 1 or 2 at the Forum, since Lee Iacocca is the only man in Michigan who could afford the tickets.

Too bad you might have to move Game 5 downtown to Joe Louis Arena. At least it’ll be easy for the Lakers to find. Joe Louis Arena just erected a new monument out front, a big black fist. Later on, the Pistons will be moving to their new building, Thomas Hearns Arena, which out front has a big goatee.

If the Pistons do not get star-struck at the Forum, they have a chance. There are lots of celebrities to gawk at here. I realize that some of them think Charlie Sheen is what Pat Riley puts on his hair, but if the Pistons can avoid getting stage fright, they can take the Lakers. They can really fog their goggles.

I fear not, my fellow Motorists. Albom, I have known you since you were knee-high to a pup, which was three years ago, and you have always been a dreamer. You think the Pistons will win. Sorry, kid. It just ain’t in the cars.