Handling Pain of Caring for Aging Parents Is No Easy Job

The small group, gathered in a circle, listened intently as a woman recalled the day that she had to move her father to a convalescent home.

“When we arrived, he started to cry and asked me if he was going to die there,” the woman said. “I didn’t know what to say. I feel so guilty.”

Such stories are common among this group, Children of Aging Parents. At meetings every other week, members discuss the love and grief involved in taking care of elderly relatives. Recently, they opened their discussion to reporters, under the condition that their names be withheld.

In a room at Temple Adat Ari El in North Hollywood, there were sometimes words of frustration and resentment.

“I feel guilty if I don’t visit my mother every day,” one woman said.

No Condemnations

“My brother and sister are no help,” said another. “Someone has to take over.”

No one among this group judged or condemned such statements.

“It’s safe to express your anger here,” said Carrie DuBow, one of three people who led the discussion.

Caring for the elderly is an ever-increasing necessity in America. There are now almost 32 million people over 65 in the United States, according to statistics from the Andrus Gerontology Center at USC. By the year 2000, nearly half of all elderly citizens will be over 75.

Children of Aging Parents was founded as a support group in 1978 to address this dilemma. Lillian Katz, a 63-year-old Westwood woman, started the organization at her home with 14 friends.

Human Services Training

At present, the group meets at two temples in the San Fernando Valley and another in Thousand Oaks. Those who run the meetings--DuBow, Barney Meskin and Bernice Garfield--have been trained at the Wagner Human Services Training Program at the University of Judaism in Los Angeles.

“The support groups meet in a safe, warm and caring environment, which enables the members to express fear and pain,” said Betty Wagner Kramer, director of the Wagner training program. “The child of an aging parent learns to eliminate some of the guilt and pain associated with the changing roles of parent and child.”

Anywhere from five to 15 people show up at meetings on a given night. Some of them are in their 20s. Others are as old as 70, struggling to care for 90-year-old parents.

Members are asked to donate $15 a year. Most of the members are women. Men who attend don’t for very long, Meskin said.

“It’s too hard for men to expose their feelings, so they bear their burden in their own way,” he said.

Lifetime of Clashes

At the recent meeting, much time was spent discussing feelings and describing burdens. A woman spoke of caring for her mother, whom she had clashed with all her life.

“On one hand, she insists on living alone. On the other, she screws up the way she takes her medications. Why does she do this to me? I’ll have to put her in a nursing home if this keeps up.”

Said Meskin: “You can look at the problem differently. What’s really happening is that your mother forgets her medication because she is not as capable as she once was, not that she’s trying to get back at you.”

Another woman complained that she didn’t get any help in caring for an in-law.

“My husband never goes to visit his mother. I have to go by myself.”

‘I Need Help’

“Maybe he thinks that’s the way it’s supposed to be,” Garfield said. “Have you ever said, ‘I need help.’?”

Members can often help each other by sharing experiences or offering sympathy. The woman who was feeling guilty about not visiting her mother every day was given this advice by another member:

“Don’t try to be Superwoman. Go two times a week. You need time for yourself, too.”

The topic of death comes up, too. Sandy Kessler, president of the group, said Children of Aging Parents helped her handle her mother’s death three years ago.

“I needed to learn how to say goodby,” Kessler said.

And Katz, the founder, said she has learned some lessons that may prove useful as she grows older.

“I’ve learned about my own aging,” she said. “I’m even urging my grandchildren to join now so they can learn about the process of aging.”