He Manages to Keep It Interesting

Wednesday:

Billy Martin was signed to a four-hour contract today to manage the New York Yankees. “I’m just going to take things one minute at a time,” Martin said.

Thursday:

Billy Martin’s job as manager of the New York Yankees was rumored to be in jeopardy today after pitcher Tommy John hurt his arm by pitching every inning of a 21-inning loss to the Boston Red Sox. “Billy doesn’t know how to handle pitchers,” John said. “Oh, yes, I do,” said Martin, grabbing John by the throat.

Friday:

Billy Martin was fired today as manager of the New York Yankees, presumably for manhandling pitcher Tommy John. Martin will be replaced by Lou Piniella, who said: “I know I said I’d never take this job again, but what I meant was, I’ll never take it next time.”

Saturday:

Lou Piniella was fired today as manager of the New York Yankees, after failing to pull the club out of its one-game losing streak. Piniella was replaced during the seventh-inning stretch by Billy Martin.

Sunday:

Billy Martin was fired today as manager of the New York Yankees. There were conflicting reports regarding Martin’s dismissal. The Associated Press said Martin was fired for having kicked dirt on the groundskeeper. United Press International said Martin was fired for having kicked ground on the dirtkeeper.

Monday:

Gene Michael was fired today as manager of the New York Yankees. Owner George Steinbrenner said Michael did an excellent job with the club during his first 25 minutes of hitting fungoes, but decided a change was in order after Boston’s Wade Boggs got to Yankee pitcher Rick Rhoden for a first-inning single.

Tuesday:

Billy Martin was hired and fired today as manager of the New York Yankees. Owner George Steinbrenner said he was unconcerned about Martin’s alleged brawl Monday night with three drunken Avon saleswomen in a topless all-male strip club, but objected to Martin’s having performed on stage in a pin-striped jockstrap.

Wednesday:

George Steinbrenner hired himself today as player-manager of the New York Yankees. Steinbrenner made out the lineup card, benched Rickey Henderson, opened the game himself in center field, committed two errors in the first inning, gave himself a good tongue-lashing, changed pitchers 12 times, lost to the Baltimore Orioles by 12 runs, fired himself as manager, sent himself to Columbus for more seasoning, retired his number, erected a monument to himself and announced that he would take part in next Saturday’s Yankee old-timers’ game.

Thursday:

Billy Martin was hired today to manage the New York Yankees. Martin was signed to a Michael Spinks contract, stipulating that he must work for a minimum of a minute and a half. Martin said if he is fired this time, he will never, never, never manage the Yankees again, and instead will go to work washing the windshields of cars stuck in Manhattan traffic.

Friday:

Billy Martin was fired today as manager of the New York Yankees. Martin was caught in the training room reading Dave Winfield’s book, and objected when Yankee owner George Steinbrenner ordered Martin to call up Mike Tyson’s mother-in-law and ask for a date.

Saturday:

Miller Huggins’ ashes were hired today as manager of the New York Yankees. An urn representing Mr. Huggins will be in charge of the ballclub for today’s game against the Cleveland Indians.

Sunday:

Billy Martin was hired today to manage the New York Yankees, replacing Miller Huggins’ remains. Martin said he remained optimistic about the club’s chances and doubted that he would have any need to want to dunk owner George Steinbrenner in a vat of nuclear waste.

Monday:

Billy Martin’s job as manager of the New York Yankees was in jeopardy today, after kicking and throwing dirt at pitcher Dave Righetti. Representatives of the Major League Players Assn. announced after the game that none of their members would take the field unless Martin were bound and gagged in the dugout with heavy rope and handcuffs.

Tuesday:

Billy Martin won his first game in more than two weeks as manager of the New York Yankees today, despite being bound and gagged for all nine innings. Asked if he remained optimistic about the Yankees’ chances of winning the American League pennant, Martin said, “Mmmmm-hmmmm,” and nodded a lot.

Wednesday:

Billy Martin was fired today as manager of the New York Yankees, and replaced by Roger Rabbit. “I liked the movie,” owner George Steinbrenner said.

Thursday:

Lou Piniella was hired today to manage the New York Yankees, replacing Roger Rabbit, who decided at the last minute to go back to reviewing movies with Gene Siskel. Piniella said, “I know I said I’d never take this job next time, but since last time, I’ve decided that this time might be a good time, so I took time to reconsider.”

Friday:

Lou Piniella was fired today as manager of the New York Yankees, with owner George Steinbrenner pointing at him and laughing like hell. “I can’t believe he fell for the same old trick,” Steinbrenner said.

Saturday:

Billy Martin was hired today to manage the New York Yankees. “Sit up. C’mon, sit up,” said owner George Steinbrenner. “Now, roll over. Roll over, boy. Now, give me your paw. Good boy.”