A Name Game, Just in the Nick of Time

Hey, kid. Wanna be a major league baseball player?

Forget about practicing, or eating your Wheaties. Never mind lifting weights or living in the batting cage.

Just get yourself a nickname. You get a good nickname, son, nobody can keep you out of the bigs.

I can’t tell you how to do this. I don’t have a nickname myself, which explains why I’m doing what I’m doing instead of mowing down the heart of the A’s lineup or hitting screaming line drives against the Green Monster.

But if it helps you out any, I can give you some suggestions. I just got my copy of the new Baseball Encyclopedia, eight zillion pages of decimal points and a barrel o’ nicknames.

Forget about the so-called nicknames of today’s players. They consider it a nickname when they tack “ie” onto the end of a guy’s name. The Dodgers, for instance, have guys like Saxie, Petey (Guerrero), Stubbie and Freddie (Valenzuela). Calling these nicknames nicknames is like calling airline food food.

Let’s dig into the Encyclopedia for some real nicknames, shall we?

Got a physical defect? So much the better. You’re on your way to the bigs. Ask Gimpy Brown, One Arm Daily, Turkeyfoot Brower, Rubberlegs Miller, Three Finger Brown, Patcheye Gill, Blinky Jones, Jittery Joe Berry and Twitchy Porter.

Can’t keep your room clean? Good. Neither could Sloppy Thurston and Slothful Bill Lattimore.

Can’t stay on that Eat to Win diet? Hey, neither could Fatso Sloan, Chubby Dean, Tubby Reiber, Tubby McGee, Tub Welch, Whale Walters, Fat Fothergill, Pudge Gautreaux, Blimp Hayes, Doughnut Bill Carrick, Sweetbreads Bailey, Pork Chop Hoffman, Pig House, Piggy Ward, Porky Pawelek, Ham Hyatt or Horse Belly Joe Sargent.

Talk too much? So, apparently, did Blab Schwartz, Orator Shaffer, Orator Jim O’Rourke, Gabber Glenn, Noisy Kling, Foghorn Myatt, Gabby Street and Earache Meyer.

Find a distinctive physical characteristic. That was the ticket to the bigs for Dimples Iott, Handsome Ransom Jackson, Bootnose Hoffman, Schnozz Lombardi, Bitsy Mott, Beauty McGowan, Muscles Gallagher, Highpockets Kelly, Piano Legs Hickman and Baldy Jones.

You may want to impress the big league scouts with a literary reference to your name, as did Punch Judy, King Lear, King Lehr, Clyde (Mad) Hatter and Huck Sawyer.

Most of the animals have been used, but use ‘em again. There’s no copyright. Follow the lead of Truckhorse Pratt, Pooch Barnhart, Poodles Hutcheson, Old Dog Ritter, Doggie Miller, Greyhound Milner, Meow Gilmore, Ox Goolsby, Catfish Hunter, Rattlesnake Baker, Cobra Joe Frazier, Bear Gile, Turkey Gross, Chicken Stanley, Mule Haas, Sea Lion Hall, Tiger Mapes, Monkey Hotaling, Kangaroo Jones, Lizard Jurak, Flea Lillis, Grasshopper Lillie and Mongoose Lukon. Stay away from Rabbit, since there are about 500 of them, and The Iron Horse would be a tough act to follow.

Can you run a bit? Might try following the lead of Flash Gilhooley, Johnny (The Crabapple Comet) Rucker, Cyclone Ryan, Hurricane Hazle, Deerfoot Milan and Reindeer Bill Killefer.

Or you might want to pick a nickname based on what you do best on the field. For example: Sliding Billy Hamilton, Stooping Jack Gorman, Scooper Bill Schwartz, Scoop Scharein, Snags Heidrick, Bunt Frisbee, Swish Nicholson, Scrappy Moore, Leaping Mike Menosky, Bris (The Human Eyeball) Lord, Camera Eye Bishop, Eagle Eye Hemphill, Moe (The Rabbi of Swat) Soloman, Home Run Baker and Spitball Anderson.

A play on words is a nice touch. Like Chicken Hawks, Eyechart Gwosdz, Inch Gleich, Hippity Hopp, Sting Ray and Pickles Gerken.

How Happy are you? Cash in on your disposition, as did Sunny Jim Hackett, Jolly Cholly Grimm, Happy Jack Stivetts, Smiling Al Maul, Sunshine McLaughlin and Grin Bradley.

Or join the all breaking-curfew team of Moonlight Graham, Good Time Bill Lamar, Broadway Aleck Smith, Roaring Bill Hassamaer and Silk Stocking Schafer.

If you’re stuck, phone your grandma. She’ll remember a cutesy name somebody called you when you were a baby. That must be how these guys got their names: Deedle Moran, Waddy MacPhee, Deeby Foss, Za Za Harvey, Bubbles Hargrave, Pumpsie Green, Tookie Gilbert, Gink Hendrick, Ubbo Ubbo Hornung, Hod Kibbie, Puddin’ Head Jones, Peek-A-Boo Veach and Chippy Gaw.

You can’t miss with food, kids. What’s your favorite? No need to ask Tomatoes Kafora, Spud Johnson, Peanuts Lowery, Peach Pie O’Connor, Bananas Benes, Cheese Schweitzer, Oyster Joe Martina, Pea Soup Dumont, Lollipop Killefer or Prunes Moolic.

The Seven Dwarfs-type theme seems to be a winner. It worked well for Sleepy Bill Johnson, Greasy Neale, Tricky Nichols, Inky Strange, Shanty Hogan, Moxie Hengle, Chippy McGarn, Knobby Lawing, Humpty Dumpty Polhemus, Easy Poole, Stubby Ray, Muddy Ruel and Cozy Dolan.

Not inspired yet? Peruse this grab bag: Coalyard Mike Handiboe, Battleship Gremminger, Steamboat Dreisewerd, Old Wax Figger Hemmins, Grandmother Power, Union Man Holke, Swampbaby Wilson, Swampy Donald, Mountain Music Melton, Roadblock Jones, Buckshot Wright, Flip Flap Jones, Clinkers Fagan, Spittin’ Bill Doak, Crooning Joe Cascarella, Wildfire Schulte and Flame Thrower Fanok.

Two personal favorites are Hill Billy Bildilli and Leaky Fausett.

Now go to work, kids. The big leagues doesn’t need catchers or pitchers. It needs fresh nicknames. You are the hope for tomorrow.