Coke on Our Heads : Think of death as a nap.

I have been assured by the State of California that the spraying of malathion Monday night in the San Fernando Valley was no less dangerous than sprinkling an average neighborhood with a 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola.

I came by this information through a telephone call to Isi Siddiqui, who is assistant director of the Department of Food and Agriculture, the agency responsible for killing Mediterranean fruit flies while, if possible, simultaneously sparing humans.

Among my concerns was the amount of the chemical they sprayed over the Valley, which is where Coca-Cola came in.

Siddiqui is one of those easy-talking, reassuring people who, in the midst of chaos, could convince us that drive-by shootings are beneficial in terms of the long-range effect on traffic congestion.

“It’s a smaaalll amount,” he said, in response to my question. “We use 2.4 ounces of malathion mixed with 9.6 ounces of corn syrup per acre, that’s all.”

I have a friend named Nicole who is 2 years old and uses the same phrase. She says, “One more, that’s all,” when she wants a cookie. She eats the cookie and says “One more, that’s all” again. Hundreds of cookies later, she walks away.

“Think of it,” Siddiqui said, “as a 12-ounce can of Coke sprinkled over an acre.”

I’ve been in this business a long time and no one, to the best of my memory, has come up with a sweeter metaphor for possible chemical pollution.

Under other circumstances, he might have said think of war as fireworks. Think of mugging as sport. Think of death as a nap.

What Siddiqui did was add the 2.4 ounces of malathion and the 9.6 ounces of corn syrup and come up with 12 ounces. Coca-Cola was used because of the imagery involved.

“In Europe,” he said, “people use malathion to control head lice.”

He was on a roll.

“Really?” I said, at a loss for any wiser response.

“They use it in shampoo.”

“What about the long-term effect?” I asked. “Is there a genetic time bomb here?”

I’ve always wanted to use that phrase.

“There was a study taken of a 1980-81 spraying,” Siddiqui said. “There was no link with any health problems.”

He let that sink in for a moment then said, “Did you know there were only two fatalities from the Santa Clara Valley spraying seven years ago? One was from a traffic accident. The lady was fleeing .”

A little irony here. She was probably fleeing from the malathion. The moral is that it’s wiser to take your chances with chemistry than with traffic.

“What was the other death?” I asked Siddiqui.

Pause.

“Well,” he said more somberly, “one of our helicopters crashed.”

When you’re with the state, the death of a woman fleeing malathion is irony and the death of a helicopter pilot spraying malathion is a tragedy. Reverse it and you’re an ecologist.

Well, all right.

I’ve heard all the reassuring words. Doctors you couldn’t get to if you were bleeding on their doorstep are suddenly elbowing each other out of the way to kiss the ground the chemists walk on.

One of them, a twisted friend, suggested that the only living organisms in jeopardy were goldfish in open ponds and asthmatic old men.

“In any event,” he said, “we can do without them.”

“The spray is so mild,” Sidduqui assured me, “it won’t even kill a fruit fly if it hits one.”

“Then why,” I asked, “are we spraying the little suckers?”

“They eat the stuff,” he said. “That’s why we put it in corn syrup. They like corn syrup. They eat the corn syrup, the corn syrup contains malathion and . . . “

He let the sentence drift off.

I write this the day after they sprayed the San Fernando Valley. To the best of my knowledge, no puppy dogs have been found dead on the lawn. No lovers were emulsified in mid-play. No kids were fried in their cribs.

But, notwithstanding a sweet-talking state, I am unconvinced it is as safe to stand under a malathion drop as it is to be sprinkled with Coca-Cola.

They said DDT was safe once and Agent Orange and cigarettes and gamma rays. All you had to do was duck and cover, or smoke through a filter.

Then we began to die.

I don’t know whether or not malathion is safe. A study taken about five years ago really says nothing about long-term effects simply because the term hasn’t been long enough.

Ecologists don’t know either. I called some yesterday and all I got was referrals. The referrals referred me to more referrals.

“In Florida,” Siddiqui said, “they’re so convinced malathion is safe, they spray in the daytime.”

“Then why do we spray at night?” I asked.

“To minimize exposure, of course,” Siddiqui said.

Oh.

Two thousand years ago the Greek dramatist Euripides said, “Man’s most valuable trait is a judicious sense of what not to believe.”

Two thousand years from now humanity may wake up and wonder why we weren’t more judicious about the chemicals we believe in today.

This may be one of the few times I’d have preferred Coca-Cola.