Even Without Bird and Magic, There’s Always Fresh Air

And they say Pat Riley can’t win the big ones.

Capping a weekend spiced with controversy, tension, dissension, violence, levity and levitation, not to mention nap-time visions by a Mailman, Riley’s smartly drilled and divinely guided Western Conference All-Stars defeated the Eastern All-Stars, 143 to 134 in the Astrodome.

Riley, who also coaches the Lakers, reportedly has been waking in a cold sweat at nights, out of nightmares where he is reading his own newspaper obituary.

“Pat Riley, 2-5 as an All-Star coach, passed away . . . “

Determined to change his own personal All-Star momentum and karma (he was 2-4 going in), Riley put his West stars through a mini-mini camp Saturday, even giving his guys five or six set plays.

To give set plays to an NBA All-Star team seems about as practical as putting dental braces on a rattlesnake, but Riley was serious.

“One memory I’ll always have,” said West backup center Mark Eaton, “will be sitting around before the game listening to Coach Riley prepare us. He was very organized, he mapped everything out.”

As a coach, what you want to avoid in a game like this is complete chaos. Or is that the goal? I forget which.

Eaton, for one, knew he didn’t want to get too outlandish.

“I wasn’t thinking of making Michael Jordan moves,” Eaton said, “I just wanted to do what got me here.”

In other words, Eaton wanted to play within himself, and at 7-foot-4 and 290 pounds, there’s plenty of room for that.

Also fortunately, Michael (Air) Jordan wasn’t thinking of making any Mark Eaton moves.

Jordan--unveiling the new line of Air Jordan shoes, which come equipped with turn signals, AM-FM stereo and retractable landing gear--went for 28 points, most of them on those drives where Air goes into the air and does a complete Gene Kelly routine.

Jordan, however, was upstaged by Karl (Mailman) Malone, the Utah Jazz forward who sometimes receives visions during his midday nap, regarding upcoming games. Honest.

I’m not sure if Malone had a vision this weekend, but he did pull aside a friend, in the locker room before the game, and say, “I feel good about this one.”

Hey, if I was 25 years old, 6-9 and 250 pounds of steel, could run like FloJo and jump like a kangaroo, I’d feel good, too.

Together, Riley and Malone jacked up the intensity level of their team in this glorified playground game.

Actually, the mood of intensity was set the previous day when the NBA old-timers--also known as legends--fought it out. Mike Newlin threw a vicious knee-tackle at Bobby Jones, and Rick Barry twisted a knee going for a loose ball.

Barry, a TV announcer who had a microphone under his uniform, presumably interviewed himself when he went down in a heap.

“Rick, are you hurt? Is it serious?”

“Well, Rick, it’s very painful, but please don’t let them amputate.”

“Thanks, Rick. Back to you, Dick.”

It was all part of the exciting All-Star weekend. Charles Barkley came to town expressing fear and loathing at having to share the court Sunday with Dominique Wilkins and Moses Malone, two guys known to enjoy taking the occasional shot.

Barkley managed to outshoot and outscore Dominique and Mo, 17 points to nine and nine, and Barkley also made some proposals for improving the game in the future.

“We should play all day and don’t have no clock, like on the playgrounds,” Barkley said. “They should play the game outside, it would be unbelievable.”

And tell Dominique and Moses the game is inside, right, Charles?

Barkley also expressed admiration for Mailman Malone.

“Some guys are so bad, before you play them you can stay out all night long,” Barkley said. “Mailman’s so good, you gotta get 10 hours sleep and eat your Wheaties.”

Mailman did play a great game, but this writer’s MVP was Isiah Thomas, the East guard who truly got into the spirit of the game. On one play, Isiah threw a 30-foot, one-bounce rim pass to three--count ‘em, three--teammates. Barkley, Mo Malone and Wilkins all went into the air at once, above the rim . . . and muffed the pass, blowing a chance to execute the world’s first three-man slam dunk.

What could have been a religious experience for 44,000 fans went down as a mere blown assist.

On another play, Isiah broke away from the pack at midcourt for an apparent solo layup, and yelled at Air Jordan, “Follow me!”

Without looking behind himself, Isiah bounced the ball high off the backboard. Jordan caught the carom 12 feet above the ground and did a half-turn backhand slammer, activating the neon “Tilt!” signs on his shoes.

On the West bench, Eaton made a mental note never to try that move.

For true thrills, that was about it, except for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s skyhook, his first and last field goal of the game, late in the fourth quarter, off a pass from Clyde Drexler.

“It was incredible,” said Drexler, obviously elated at securing his place in hoop history. “I was so happy, I didn’t know what to do.”

Kareem was unavailable for comment, dashing out of the Astrodome minutes after the final gun, in a hurry either to catch a plane or to buy a pair of the new turbo-diesel Air Jordans.

Pat Riley mentally updated his obit. Charles Barkley cornered NBA commissioner David Stern and pleaded with him to hire Patti LaBelle to sing at next season’s All-Star game banquet.

And everyone pretty much agreed with Mark (Air) Eaton, who sat at his locker, semi-dazed, and said, “It was a pretty awesome experience.”