Time to Grin and Bear It Over a Snack

What is this thing called food? This funny thing we now call food? Somewhere between nuts and berries and Nut & Honey Crunch, something went sour. When the mutant people of the future look back on the 20th Century, they probably won’t view the Manhattan Project as mankind’s darkest hour. I think they will realize it was the introduction of Teddy Grahams.

Throughout “the health-conscious ‘80s,” food got more and more unnatural. First, we seemed obsessed with certain test-tube flavors--barbecue, cool ranch, sour cream and onion . . . and something ominously called “original.”

Then, things got still curiouser. Food didn’t need just a distinctive taste. It needed a shape. We started eating little works of art.

We dined on dinosaurs and munched Cheddar-flavored goldfish. And now, the final power picnic: Teddy Grahams, a whole box of tiny teddy bears. Each one alike, each one with the same stupid smile on its face as bear after bear goes down Gulliver’s gullet.

It should come as no surprise that RJR Nabisco is the creator of Teddy Grahams. Naturally, the company that is selling the most junk bonds in world history has produced the greatest junk food in world history. According to the Nabisco PR statisticians, “In just five months the snack ranks third in the cookie category.”

The American Marketing Assn. recognized Nabisco’s achievement recently when it named Teddy Grahams one of the Best New Products of the Year. As it says in a company-issued “Teddy Gram,” Teddy Grahams beat out two other Nabisco finalists, Fudge Covered Oreos and Ritz Bits, to win the coveted award. The winners were selected for their “marketing innovativeness, technological innovativeness, market structure innovativeness, lasting value and societal impact.”

I am sure the societal impact of Teddy Grahams will be felt for generations to come.

If you call the Nabisco Consumer Information number (800 223-1049), you can get the lowdown on Teddy Grahams. You will learn that a half-ounce serving--that’s 11 bears--contains less than 2% of the U.S. Recommended Daily Allowance of nutrients. But here’s the good news: Only 60 calories in each serving of 11 bitty bears!

If you get out your calculator and figure that each bear is only 5.45454545 calories, that means you can eat 183 bears a day and still lose weight. (Don’t try this at home, kids.)

Teddy Grahams seem to appeal to some primordial childhood cannibalism fantasy in all of us. The desire to eat one’s teddy bear is perhaps the first oral urge. Next comes the desire to eat one’s duckie, an instinct Nabisco previously capitalized on with the introduction of tiny duck-shaped crackers called Quackers.

These developments on the psycho-gastronomic front make other historic Nabisco products such as Oreo Cookies and Bonkers! Chewy Candy and Planters Cheez Balls look old hat. Products with a religious connotation such as Devil’s Food Cakes and Mystic Mint Sandwich Cookies and Life Savers don’t seem to have the pulling powers that Teddy Grahams do.

In one Teddy Gram, headed “Teddy Grahams Writes New Chapter in Snack History,” the ad agency’s Will and Ariel Durant have reviewed the old chapters in snack history. They remind us of the religious origins of the graham cracker, which dates back to the early 19th Century. It was then that a Presbyterian minister named Sylvester Graham extolled the virtues of crackers made from coarsely ground flour. But what would he say about eating boys’ best toy?

The Teddy Gram continues: “He looks at you with adoring eyes. He listens to your troubles. . . . He’s the one true friend every child has--the teddy bear.”

Open wide--here come 183 true friends in chocolate, honey and mouth-watering cinnamon. Thanks to innovative food technology, Teddy’s a playmate and a victim.