Here’s Some Crooked Lines That Came Out Straight

Today’s Morning Briefing is devoted to excerpts from “All Star Quotes,” a collection of 2,000 one-liners compiled by Jack Cherry and published by All Star Books.

Ed Crooke, New York Giants publicist, on the weight problems of 295-pound defensive end Leonard Marshall: “We put him on a Cambridge diet, and he ate half of Cambridge.”

Bill Russell, Boston Celtics center, on why his father couldn’t retire: “He said he had given the company 30 good years of his life, and now he wanted to give them a few bad ones.”

Benny Dees, basketball coach at Alabama, on how he turned down high school star Charles Barkley while recruiting for the Crimson Tide: “I figured he’d gain 40 pounds and become a slob. Instead he gained 80 pounds and became a superstar.”

Bill Hall, Montana hunting guide, on killing a grizzly in a protected area for endangered species: “When I saw that bear coming at me full-steam, I didn’t have any trouble deciding who was the endangered species.”

Rocky Bridges, manager of Vancouver in the Pacific Coast League, deploring the eating of sunflower seeds by his players: “That’s for birds to eat. I’m afraid my players will start molting or going to the bathroom on newspapers.”

Tony Kornheiser, Washington Post columnist, on the 1984 Philadelphia Eagles: “They are worse than inept. They are even worse than un-ept. They are so far away from ept it’s a toll call.”

Scott Wedman of the Cleveland Cavaliers after a 129-79 loss to the Portland Trail Blazers: “When we were 59 points behind, I thought, ‘Even if we score 29 straight baskets, we’ll still be behind.’ That is real frustrating.”

Dwight Eisenhower, former president, asked if he noticed anything different about his golf game since leaving the White House: “Yeah, a lot more people beat me now.”

Harry Neale, general manager of the Vancouver Canucks, on the plight of the club: “Last year we couldn’t win on the road and this year we can’t win at home. I don’t know where else to play.”

John Candelaria, Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher, told that teammate Dave Parker was becoming a vegetarian: “What’s he going to eat, redwoods?”

Dave Parker, Cincinnati Reds outfielder, told that teammate Cesar Cedeno had to pay $7,000 in damages after his car smashed into a tree: “If I paid that much for a tree, I’d at least gotten the wood for my fireplace.”

Brent Ziegler, Syracuse fullback, told that he was 250th player taken in the National Football League draft: “Maybe they drafted in alphabetical order.”

Tom Newell, Indiana Pacer’s general manager, after the club finished in 1983-1984 season with a 22-60 record: “The players are disappointed. They thought 22 wins would get them into the NIT.”