Coaches Love Big Picture

News item: Coach Jim Mora of the New Orleans Saints , vexed out of patience at a news conference, bitterly castigated a questioner , saying, “You don’t know a thing about it, not one thing about it. You don’t know. You never look at films. You don’t know one thing about it. And you never will.”

We take you now to an interview between old pro Coach Bo Constrictor and the resident writer covering his team, Scoops Salinski.

Scoops: Coach, about that interception your team threw in the third quarter . . .

Coach: Interception? What interception? That wasn’t any interception!

Scoops: But, Coach! The quarterback threw the ball and the cornerback, Hardy Harhar, pulled it out of the air and ran it back to your 10-yard line!

Coach: That was no interception! They were in what we call a Guido defense and, in that situation, we have to smoke them out. That was the perfect pass in that situation. We found out exactly what kind of set they like to be in. We learned.

Scoops: But Coach! You don’t play them again the rest of the year!

Coach: Technicalities, technicalities! Can’t you ever see the big picture? Don’t you know anything about this game? It was a learning experience. We got out of the game what we wanted to get out of it.

Scoops: Coach! You got beat, 59-6!

Coach: Who keeps score in exhibition games? Besides, you think we don’t want the scouts in the stands to be confused about what our attack is going to do?

Scoops: Attack! You call minus-2 yards rushing an attack? Coach, they made 39 first downs to your 11! That’s like saying Johnstown attacked the flood.

Coach: You oughta see the films! We were improved all up and down the line. We never let them lure us out of our game plan.

Scoops: Game plan? Where’d you get your game plan, from Mussolini’s navy?

Coach: I can’t be standing here talking to an idiot like you. You just don’t know anything about it. We were establishing the run, for one thing.

Scoops: But Coach, you ran for a minus-2 yards! You call that establishing the run?

Coach: You guys and your meaningless figures! This is a game of shadings, of nuance. Did it ever occur to you we were lulling the league into complacency?

Scoops: Well if that’s the case, you sure did it. But don’t you think 59-6 is overdoing it just a little bit? What about the missed field goals? What were you trying out then?

Coach: The field goals were too close. We now know we can’t make them from 25 yards in.

Scoops: Not when they’re blocked. Were the four fumbles in the game plan, too?

Coach: Fumbles are always in the game plan. Fumbles are a fact of life. We practice the fumble play every afternoon at camp.

Scoops: Well, I don’t think you have to practice it anymore. These guys have got it down pat.

Coach: You see, there you go! You have no concept of the work, the dedication, the man-hours that go into this work. You only see the tip of the iceberg. You don’t know anything!

Scoops: I see 15 coaches working 20 hours a day. I see computers chock-a-block with audibles, game plans, form charts. I see you combing the colleges for the best draft choices, pouring out millions of dollars to collegians your computations tell you are the best in the world--and then I see you getting beat, 59-6.

Coach: Sometimes you learn from a defeat.

Scoops: One of the things you learn is that the 49ers are 53 points better than you are.

Coach: You see! You show your ignorance!

Scoops: What do you mean, ignorance? Six from 59 is 53.

Coach: You don’t know anything about this game!

Scoops: I can add. Addition used to be part of this game. Are you saying this was a moral victory?

Coach: What’s a moral victory?

Scoops: A defeat.

Coach: Defeat is all in the mind! Why, you don’t even know what an offensive coordinator does!

Scoops: Sure I do. He sends in five interceptions, four fumbles, two botched field goals and a passing game that never gets beyond your own 40-yard line. What does he do in the off-season, run Presidential campaigns for Dukakis?

Coach: Very funnee. And what does a defensive coordinator do, send in touchdowns?

Scoops: A defensive coordinator is a guy who takes 11 guys named Bubba or Tank and gets them so confused with brown right and red left they wind up tackling the field judge. All he has to do is point them at the quarterback and say, “Kill!” as near as I can see.

Coach: It must look awful easy from the press box.

Scoops: Not when your team is on the field, it doesn’t.

Coach: It’s a very complicated business.

Scoops: Vince Lombardi said it was just blocking and tackling. Maybe he just didn’t understand the situation, either.

Coach: The public doesn’t grasp the complexities.

Scoops: That’s what the captain of the Titanic said.

Coach: Well, I suppose you’ll write it the way you want.

Scoops: No, I think I’ll write it your way: “Coach Bo’s Corsairs handled the San Francisco 49ers Saturday night, 6-59. Coach Bo expressed himself as pleased that his team was in mid-season form after only one game.”

Coach: Now that’s more like it! An up-beat story for a change!

Scoops: Depends on whether they remember what your mid-season form was like last year.