Roar of Crowd Sorely Missing at Ram Games

Been to a Ram game lately? It’s so quiet you can hear a piece of Brie drop. Any more noisy and you’d have silence. It’s the only place in the league where you can crack your knuckles and have some guy in the mezzanine level tell you to keep it down.

Let’s face it, most Ram fans wouldn’t know raucous if a member of the Hell’s Angels explained it to them. They think being a fan means getting a new Visa card with a Ram logo on it. There’s no passion in their support, no quirkiness in their actions.

Take last Sunday’s game against the Atlanta Falcons at the county morgue, I mean, Anaheim Stadium. Except for a few pockets of true noise, most Ram fans produced nothing more than a low murmur during the entire four quarters. Babies breathe louder.

Strange thing is, these aren’t the 1965 Rams we’re talking about here. This season’s team is a surprising 5-0 and, it appears, getting better. This season’s team is the only undefeated franchise left in the National Football League.

Of course, you wouldn’t know it if you attended a Ram game. Anaheim Stadium was only three-fourths filled for the Falcons’ visit. In fact, since the start of the season, home attendance actually has decreased as the Rams’ victory total has increased. Maybe the Rams should be the ones talking about moving to Oakland.

And have you ever noticed how Ram fans treat a wonderful play? Polite applause, as if they were watching “La Traviata,” is the norm. Ram fans--actually, observers might be a better word--treat football as if it were an afternoon movie. They are the most docile people in the world.

Ram fans think the 49ers have nice uniforms. Ram fans eat at places called Expressions. Ram fans think football is something you play on your Nintendo.

A game day in the life of your typical Ram fan:

Drive the wife and kids to the stadium . . . unpack the BMW, making sure not to drag the Laura Ashley tablecloth on the ground . . . feed the kids apple pancakes . . . munch on chicken fajitas . . . sip Chablis . . . enter stadium . . . take seats on club level . . . discuss latest stock market surge with gentleman in Row 12 . . . turn on portable television . . . watch “Face the Nation” . . . notice 92-yard completion from Jim Everett to Henry Ellard . . . set up bridge game . . . remind wife to ask accountant if Ram tickets are tax deductible . . . leave game at end of third quarter to beat traffic.

A game day in the life of, say, a Pittsburgh Steeler fan:

Buy case of Iron City beer . . . purchase black and yellow food coloring for decorative Steeler body paint . . . play tackle football in Three Rivers Stadium parking lot . . . hail medic to treat knee injury incurred on parking lot . . . limp into stadium . . . take seats in end zone bleachers . . . order cold hot dogs . . . cheer crazily . . . boo lustily . . . live and die with every play . . . leave stadium exhausted . . . retire to favorite biker bar to watch replay of the game.

You think they do this sort of thing in Orange County? Are you kidding? Your average Ram fan probably rushes home to turn on the pool vacuum.

Ram fans are facing a crisis. They’re too timid, too calm. Even the Rams themselves have said they prefer life in an opposing stadium. At least, there they know that the crowd, however hostile, has a pulse.

And before you start criticizing the Rams, ask yourself one question: Would you want to play in a crypt?

Something has to be done, beginning with those horrible banners stationed about the stadium by boring Ram fans. “Pankey’s Powerful,” reads one, in reference to offensive tackle Irv Pankey. “Gang Greene,” says another, in tribute to linebacker Kevin Greene. Visual sleep aids are what they are.

A direct approach is needed. For instance, if the San Francisco 49ers are coming to town, someone should unfurl a “Die Neo-Niner Fascist Scum” banner. It’s easy to read and it conveys an unmistakable message.

Next, something should be done to beef up stadium security. From now on, nobody carrying a business trade magazine or financial page should be allowed in the stands. The same goes for Ram fans lugging in cellular phones.

And finally, a short verbal quiz should be given to all Ram fans wishing to enter the stadium. To gain admittance, a legitimate Ram fan would have to know A) the current Ram record, B) the origins of the Eagle defense, or C) one good reason why the Rams are paying Gaston Green more than Greg Bell.

Desperate measures, to be sure. But desperate, quiet times, too.